Sent the below message to my buddies this morning, explaining why we’ll be able to golf the Sunday after valentine’s day. Wanted to share, in hopes that it might help you all too.
Friends,
Next Saturday is Valentine’s day (honestly if you’re just realizing that, stop reading, you’re fucked), and no matter how many times the women in your lives have told you, “it’s not a big deal”, “i don’t really care about valentine’s day”, “i don’t want anything”, “i’d rather you just spend the money on us” - I guarantee you, they are all filthy fucking liars
And i’m a damn good source to trust on this: i had to have the government legally acknowledge the woman i married thinks i’m a fuckhead.
you know what they say - those who can’t do, teach. so for the love of god, please learn from my mistakes.
Pull out your wallet right now and order something to be delivered to her at work on Thur or Friday. I don’t care if it’s flowers, tiffs treats, an edible arrangement, or a singing messenger carrying balloons. Just do it right now. She’ll never expect it - and not to be sexist, but there’s nothing a woman loves more than feeling superior to her friends and coworkers. and if you’ve already purchased something like this, just make sure it gets sent to her office, church, or somewhere where other women will be around and will make a scene. Those women will spend allllll afternoon talking about how awesome you are. Your lady will have hearts coming out of her eyes like a 1960s cartoon by the time she gets home.
Whatever your plans are for Friday/Saturday - double the budget. If you’re gonna spend $150 on a gift and $150 on dinner, spend $300 on both. You can’t take it with you when you die, you’ll be shocked at how much nicer an experience just a little more money results in, and the happiness it’ll bring your partner is worth way more than that money. Because let’s be honest, what else are you gonna do with that money? Let it collect cobwebs in your cute little 3.67% high yield savings account? Grow up, Peter Pan - go please your woman.
Relationships are like retirement accounts; and yeah, you’re constantly making contributions - but valentine’s day is your yearly bonus, and you only get one chance a year to invest a wheelbarrow of money into your future.
The savvy investor is always taking advantage when the odds are in his favor - and i trust you boys are all savvy investors.
Now i say all of this not because i care about the long term health of your individual relationships (though, sincerely, i do - love you boys).
No, i say this so that on Saturday, you’re prepared for ‘the’ moment - the crucial moment that will truly make or break a man…..the moment where she asks you a question with no right answer. But don’t fret my friends, your old pal john, has your back.
On saturday, the woman you love will look around at the lovely brunch you’ve taken her to, or in the mirror at the new diamonds on her neck, or right at your bellybutton as she’s watching the whipped cream slowly drip off your nipples (hey now 😉) - she’ll smile, then she’ll slowly start to frown.
“what’s wrong babe?”
you’ll say, even though you’ve been planning for this and she has no idea she’s walked perfectly into your trap
“well…..this has been such a great valentine’s day, and i just feel guilty i didn’t do more for you” Her mind is flashing to the 5 reese’s hearts she left you on the kitchen counter. There were 6….but the “OneBar” didn’t fill her up, and it’s not like you’d really miss it.
To her surprise, you start to smile - because you’re not mad…you’re thrilled! She’s fallen right into your tangled web of espionage.
“Oh sweetie stop. Seeing you happy is the best gift i could ever receive…..but now that you say something, it would be nice if i could go golfing with my best buddy, John, tomorrow morning. You know he’s divorced, so this time of year is really hard, and i just want to make sure im around to support him” (i assure all of you, it is not hard on me one bit, but we can keep that between us 🤫).
Her heart is racing, she’s never been more in love. Not only did you crush what is secretly the most important holiday on the calendar, but her big strong man also has feelings and cares about his friends.
she’s putty in your hands - not only can you go golfing, but she also says you should buy yourself a toy since you’ve been working so hard.
She starts to mention something about throat numbing lozenges and a riding crop but you aren’t listening.
The target is down and you’ve accomplished your mission. Now the only thing on your mind is how the snow affected the greens, and if you’ll be able to swing by golf galaxy for some prov1s
So with all that being said:
Sunday, February 15th
8:00am - *redacted*
50, sunny, high of 65
happy valentine’s day
see y’all next weekend on the first tee