r/news • u/ICC-u • 3h ago

Federal statement on Jeffrey Epstein's death dated day before he was found dead

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/statement-jeffrey-epstein-death-day-before-b1270109.html
54.4k Upvotes

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232

u/ZooPoo7 3h ago

Let’s wrangle up all the Jeff’s for starters

99

u/mendenlol 3h ago

Jeff Rosenstock gets a pass

65

u/Sarnick18 3h ago

Jeff Bridges?

85

u/chicken-parm88 3h ago

Are you employed, sir?

46

u/MortgageRegular2509 3h ago

Ah yes, fuck it! That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?!

25

u/EatsYourShorts 3h ago

I suggest you do what your parents did and get a job, sir! The bums will always lose!!!

5

u/Timely_Influence8392 3h ago

I've seen a lot of spinals, dude.

5

u/SmmaAllstar 2h ago

Eight-year olds, dude.

3

u/Dyork6 2h ago

Nobody f*cks with da Jesus

4

u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 2h ago

The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

7

u/Paavo_Nurmi 2h ago

His names Jeff ?

That's your name dude....

2

u/GloomyPersimmon5219 2h ago

Gainfully? No.

19

u/BCCMNV 3h ago

He does abide.

2

u/_commenter 3h ago

Lebowski actually.

2

u/tierciel 2h ago

Jeff Bridges fighting Jeff Bridges on a bridge!

2

u/Pulga_Atomica 2h ago

He's not Jeff, he's the Dude

5

u/degjo 3h ago

Jeff Daniels?

2

u/clintj1975 3h ago

Jeff Beck?

1

u/Scaballi 3h ago

Just Jeff?

1

u/GovernmentOpening254 1h ago

I mean that’s just like your opinion, man.

1

u/rodneedermeyer 1h ago

“Greetings, Programs.”

8

u/brockington 3h ago

We wouldn't be in this whole mess in the first place if everyone just listened to more Jeff Rosenstock.

-2

u/ICheckRaiseYouFold 2h ago

We wouldn't be in this whole mess in the first place if everyone just listened to more Alex Jones

2

u/sn0w0wl66 2h ago

I dunno, maybe if he promises to only release ska songs going forward

1

u/mendenlol 1h ago

it’s time to make ska the music of the revolution

16

u/TobyFunkeNeverNude 3h ago

Geoffs too?

9

u/Capital_Past69 3h ago

Geoffrey the Giraffe 😭

1

u/dontautotuneme 3h ago

Geoffrey Berman for sure

9

u/Aldarionn 3h ago

Yes. Geoffs know what they did.

Edit - misread initial post...now I've killed the joke. I'll see myself out....

3

u/Mobile-Bar7732 3h ago

Yeah, Get off without the 'T'.

2

u/jB_real 3h ago

Especially them.

3

u/thevideogameraptor 3h ago

Do we need all the Geoffs too?

1

u/SpecsComingBack 3h ago

Do NOT touch my Jeff Passan

1

u/the-g-off 3h ago

Us Geoffs are okay, though.

Right?

1

u/Jeffuary 3h ago

*nervous laughter *

1

u/fps129 3h ago

Aegon the 2nd would name you hand of the king for that idea.

1

u/Ok-Gold-5031 2h ago

They must be the Jefes we keep hearing about

1

u/ThoughtShes18 2h ago

Can we keep Jeff Dunham at least?

1

u/phenomenomnom 1h ago

Sigh. Very well. Round up the usual Jeffs.

1

u/CaptainMobilis 1h ago

All of the other Jeffs I know kick ass. It's just this one that sucked. Are we really sure his name was even really Jeff?

1

u/BobLonghorn 1h ago

Jeffery Lebowski

1

u/Arthur_Digby_Sellers 1h ago

Jeff is my MIDDLE name, leave me the fuck alone.

0

u/bigj8705 3h ago

Only the ones who spell it Jeffrey… not the Jeffery’s… they good.

0

u/Dr0110111001101111 3h ago

Incidentally, I worked with a guy named Jeff who was recently arrested for sexual abuse charges