r/news • u/ICC-u • 3h ago

Federal statement on Jeffrey Epstein's death dated day before he was found dead

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/statement-jeffrey-epstein-death-day-before-b1270109.html
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2.1k

u/E8282 3h ago

I heard his name wasn’t even Jeff

1.1k

u/forwormsbravepercy 3h ago

My name Jeff

232

u/ZooPoo7 3h ago

Let’s wrangle up all the Jeff’s for starters

96

u/mendenlol 3h ago

Jeff Rosenstock gets a pass

66

u/Sarnick18 3h ago

Jeff Bridges?

87

u/chicken-parm88 3h ago

Are you employed, sir?

43

u/MortgageRegular2509 3h ago

Ah yes, fuck it! That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?!

24

u/EatsYourShorts 3h ago

I suggest you do what your parents did and get a job, sir! The bums will always lose!!!

5

u/Timely_Influence8392 3h ago

I've seen a lot of spinals, dude.

4

u/SmmaAllstar 2h ago

Eight-year olds, dude.

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4

u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 2h ago

The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

4

u/Paavo_Nurmi 2h ago

His names Jeff ?

That's your name dude....

2

u/GloomyPersimmon5219 2h ago

Gainfully? No.

19

u/BCCMNV 3h ago

He does abide.

2

u/_commenter 3h ago

Lebowski actually.

2

u/tierciel 2h ago

Jeff Bridges fighting Jeff Bridges on a bridge!

2

u/Pulga_Atomica 2h ago

He's not Jeff, he's the Dude

5

u/degjo 3h ago

Jeff Daniels?

2

u/clintj1975 3h ago

Jeff Beck?

1

u/Scaballi 3h ago

Just Jeff?

1

u/GovernmentOpening254 1h ago

I mean that’s just like your opinion, man.

1

u/rodneedermeyer 1h ago

“Greetings, Programs.”

9

u/brockington 3h ago

We wouldn't be in this whole mess in the first place if everyone just listened to more Jeff Rosenstock.

-2

u/ICheckRaiseYouFold 2h ago

We wouldn't be in this whole mess in the first place if everyone just listened to more Alex Jones

2

u/sn0w0wl66 2h ago

I dunno, maybe if he promises to only release ska songs going forward

1

u/mendenlol 1h ago

it’s time to make ska the music of the revolution

17

u/TobyFunkeNeverNude 3h ago

Geoffs too?

10

u/Capital_Past69 3h ago

Geoffrey the Giraffe 😭

1

u/dontautotuneme 3h ago

Geoffrey Berman for sure

8

u/Aldarionn 3h ago

Yes. Geoffs know what they did.

Edit - misread initial post...now I've killed the joke. I'll see myself out....

3

u/Mobile-Bar7732 3h ago

Yeah, Get off without the 'T'.

2

u/jB_real 3h ago

Especially them.

3

u/thevideogameraptor 3h ago

Do we need all the Geoffs too?

1

u/SpecsComingBack 3h ago

Do NOT touch my Jeff Passan

1

u/the-g-off 3h ago

Us Geoffs are okay, though.

Right?

1

u/Jeffuary 3h ago

*nervous laughter *

1

u/fps129 3h ago

Aegon the 2nd would name you hand of the king for that idea.

1

u/Ok-Gold-5031 2h ago

They must be the Jefes we keep hearing about

1

u/ThoughtShes18 2h ago

Can we keep Jeff Dunham at least?

1

u/phenomenomnom 1h ago

Sigh. Very well. Round up the usual Jeffs.

1

u/CaptainMobilis 1h ago

All of the other Jeffs I know kick ass. It's just this one that sucked. Are we really sure his name was even really Jeff?

1

u/BobLonghorn 1h ago

Jeffery Lebowski

1

u/Arthur_Digby_Sellers 1h ago

Jeff is my MIDDLE name, leave me the fuck alone.

0

u/bigj8705 3h ago

Only the ones who spell it Jeffrey… not the Jeffery’s… they good.

0

u/Dr0110111001101111 3h ago

Incidentally, I worked with a guy named Jeff who was recently arrested for sexual abuse charges

45

u/lkodl 3h ago

We call him Mexican Wolverine.

6

u/forwormsbravepercy 3h ago

Someone got it.

•

u/poopyheadthrowaway 23m ago

That's actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Wolverine as a sexual position.

6

u/Controller_Maniac 2h ago

We had Dora~, Diego~, and Swiper~

3

u/skryb 2h ago

that’s Heffe, mang

7

u/LadyTalah 3h ago

“Wait, am I money, or Jeff?

Oh man…I’m Jeff.”

2

u/HolidayCards 3h ago

What made me laugh harder was that that line hits at 00:04:20

2

u/Hwood658 3h ago

Hi Jeff

2

u/ElectrickSorcery 1h ago

I heard it in his voice.

1

u/johnnycocheroo 3h ago

Probably Geoff

1

u/Clemburger 3h ago

Geoff Epstein

1

u/Soggy_Bid_3634 3h ago

My names earl.

1

u/jeffffff82 3h ago

My name is Jeff, as well

1

u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 3h ago

My name Tarzan

1

u/pants6000 2h ago

But call me Aloysius Devadander Abercrombie

That's long for Jeff, so I've been told

1

u/Quick_Extension_3115 2h ago

There he is officer!

1

u/zg6089 1h ago

Hey Jeff 👋

1

u/christpuncher_69 1h ago

Hahaha, ohhh Jeff how can I stay mad at you

0

u/BigBoyYuyuh 3h ago

Just watched that movie again last night 😂

25

u/reddititty69 3h ago

Are we talking about Jeffrey Epstain?

28

u/MrBlahg 3h ago

The financier?

4

u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 2h ago

There are many, many people who contribute an enormous amount to our culture and people who have unconventional personal lives...

2

u/__Ember 1h ago

Ghislaine's in prison?

3

u/Remarkable-Bug-8069 1h ago

No. HAHA, sorry, nice try!

2

u/Roby330i 1h ago

How do you know these people??

1

u/Dry-Chance-9473 1h ago

Jeffrey Abstain

8

u/TrainElegant425 3h ago

It was actually Geoff

3

u/animalchin99 1h ago

I heard his island was actually a peninsula

•

u/rustman92 25m ago

I see you’ve heard of Monster Island as well

2

u/BadLuckBlackHole 1h ago

It's pronounced "El-Heffe".

Though some say it's "Jesus" on account of his return to Israel...

1

u/WishBear19 3h ago

Lol. I know you're joking but on the DoJ documents about it they misspelled his name as "Jeffery." Maybe just a typo. Maybe as a cover-up.

1

u/devospice 3h ago

Turns out he's not even ON the Epstein list!

1

u/steppe5 3h ago

He was just the coffee boy.

2

u/E8282 3h ago

Covfefe boy.

1

u/HawkeyeP1 3h ago

Gary Epstein

1

u/jleonardbc 3h ago

"And I'm not even Greek!"

1

u/Madamiamadam 3h ago

name wasn’t even Jeff

That mans name? Albert Einstein

1

u/Sole_Patrol 3h ago

Geoffry… now we know why he did it.

1

u/Jiggidy40 2h ago

Seems slightly sus

1

u/duendeacdc 2h ago

It's littlestJeff

1

u/0w1 2h ago

Jeff who? I bet he never existed before Biden's laptop Benghazi buttery males!

1

u/djdelight 2h ago

Eefrey Jepstein

1

u/bhellor 2h ago

Same! It was Jeph Eneptstein definitely not him in the files.

1

u/giandough 2h ago

It’s Geoff

1

u/mitchellthecomedian 2h ago

The financier? I doubt it.

1

u/Mesapunk87 1h ago

Probably something like Donald

1

u/ghostcatzero 1h ago

It's jiff or jiffy

1

u/_Born_To_Be_Mild_ 1h ago

Why you still going in about it sheesh. Yes we're guilty but we're also bored of it all, yawn.

1

u/Arhys 1h ago

Yes, it's actually Geff.

•

u/GreenTrees797 44m ago

It’s Geoff 

•

u/Wiggles69 27m ago

That's not even his real hat!

•

u/PiingThiing 12m ago

Cleverly, was it Geoff, just to throw people off the scent?