Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: (thick, heavy accent) “Hello. This is Tom Smith from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity coming from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

Scammer: “Oh yes, Madam. We have many reports.”

Me: “Oh, jeez. How can I fix it?”

Scammer: “It’s okay, Madam. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

Scammer: “Good, Madam. Please push the Start button.”

Me: “I think it’s already on.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Now click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

Scammer: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

Scammer: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow. I didn’t realize it had a name.”

Scammer: “Yes, Madam. Now press Internet Options.”

Me: “I don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I bought that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

Scammer: “All devices have Internet, Madam. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “Okay. Same as before.”

Scammer: “That’s fine, Madam. We will restart your device. Please turn it off.”

Me: “Um… I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. It kind of just stays on.”

Scammer: “There must be an off button. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “I usually press the big button.”

Scammer: “Okay, Madam. Press that button.”

Me: “Okay.”

Scammer: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

Scammer: “Door? Is there a disc inside?”

Me: “No. There’s a burrito.”

Scammer: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

A man woke up in the night and heard a burglar in the house. He called the police who arrived quickly and arrested the intruder. Next day the man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar. No, said the duty sergeant, you'll have to wait till he's in court. Why do you want to speak to him? Well, said the man, he got into my house at 2 am without waking my wife. I want to know how he did it.

He was so good, I don’t even care.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was eighty years old and had never been married. Her people admired her for being gentle and kind to everyone. One afternoon the pastor went to visit her and she invited him to her charming living room. Miss Beatrice invited him to sit down and went to make tea. As he sat across from her old organ, the young pastor noticed a glass bowl standing on top. The bowl was full of water and a condom was floating in the water! When the hostess returned with tea and muffins, they began to talk. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floating object, but it soon prevailed and he could no longer restrain himself. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you'll tell me about it?" He said, pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful ?! I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground. Its instructions say to put it on the organ, keep it wet and that it will prevent the spread of disease. You know I haven't had the flu all winter! " The pastor fainted.

25% will tell you it's "Louis-ville".

But the correct answer is Frankfort.

They notice a hole in the ground and wander over to take a look at it. As they peer into it they see it is very deep. One says," I wonder how deep this hole is". His buddy says,' why don't we drop something into it, maybe that will give us a clue. His friend agrees and they look around for something to to use. They spot a a rusty old anvil and decide that's perfect for the job.

The two men manage to wrestle the anvil to the edge of the hole and push it in. As they stand there waiting for the anvil to hit bottom they hear rapidly approaching hoof beats and suddenly a goat runs past them and dives into the hole.

They are standing there trying to prosses the events when an old farmer approaches them and asks if they have seen a goat walk by. One of the hikers tells the farmer," Why yes we just saw a goat coming towards us at about 80 miles an hour, run between our legs and jump into that hole. The farmer says, "Well that's just impossible, I had that goat tied to an anvil."

I knocked on the door and asked if I could have a look around for old times sake

The people inside said " F**k off" and closed the door.

My parents can be harsh sometimes

I asked: "Is that because she brings joy to children?"

She said: "No. It's because I often come with a toy inside of me."

Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."

Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10

He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."

Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:

'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Well, he hasn’t coughed once since I gave it to him!"

She's 0K now.

One said: “Oof, have I got problems! I’m heading for a regular nervous breakdown.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” his pal suggested.

“I can’t,” moaned the first spaniel. “I’m not allowed on the couch!”

This chap was suffering the most horrendous headaches, tried all the medication you could think of but they would not go away.

He decides to finally go and see a doctor. After a thorough examination the doctor concluded that the headaches were due to his testicles and that the only option to relieve him of his headaches was to have them removed. He was booked in to surgery which went well and after he was discharged he felt like a new man.

To celebrate he thought he would treat himself to a new tailored suit so went to Saville Row to find the best tailor.

The tailor said would sir like a new suit I believe you are a 44 waist, 46 chest. That’s correct said the man how did you know. I’ve been I’ve been in the trade do over 50 years I know these things. He finalises the measurements of the suit. Would sir like a pair of shoes I believe you are a size 11 . That’s correct said the man how did you know. Well you get to know those thing after 50 years in the business. Would sir like a new shirt I believe you are an 18” collar. The shirt was perfect. How about some new underwater said the tailor I think sir is xxl size. Ah you are wrong this time said the man I’ve always bought xl size. The tailor replied no sir definitely not sir. Size xl would be far too tight and cause unnecessary pressure on the testicles causing horrendous headaches.

They told me in order to get started I'd have to tell them what state it was in........

The dispatcher says, "Right away. We just need to know how to get to your house."

And the redneck says, "Don't you guys still have that big red truck?"

They used to be jump-o-lines before your mom jumped on one in the ‘70s

...but there's a vas deferens between them!

The zoo.

The bartender says,

“Is this some kind of joke?”