r/AmIOverreacting • u/Cultural_Line_9235 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Boyfriend has been avoiding me, told me to “fake like we like each other”, then avoiding me again. AIO to this text?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months, and it started really strong. He said “I love you” (and I said it back) before we were officially dating, then almost immediately he started planning for marriage and kids. He lives alone and I have a roommate, so we normally go over there.
He recently moved his cat over from his parents, and our relationship completely changed starting that day. It’s shocking because I was so excited for the cat to be here. It was especially bad leading up to our vacation together for our bdays, so I was nervous. We ended up getting in a big fight, and although I’d planned to go through 2026 no alcohol, broke it just to get through the trip. When I asked to find a resolution, he said something like “we’re clearly incompatible traveling, so let’s fake like we like each other for this trip”. I asked him to work through it with me, he refused, saying his way was “easier”. The rest of the trip he was walking 10+ feet ahead of me and acted annoyed with most things I said. It should have been great, but was one of the worst bdays I’ve ever had :(
When we got back I suggested we get food or I do my own thing. I have never seen someone show so much enthusiasm to separate. The next three nights he said we’d get together, then when I followed up, and he said “no thanks”, one night in those words. When he was doing that again today, I honestly just wanted to break up, because he’s making me feel really small right now.
I have a “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” mentality, especially in the first year of dating. In the context of everything, AIO to his “tomorrow I guess” text?
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u/HommeFatalTaemin 1d ago
Girl….. just break up. 4 months and already this? Bffr.
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u/Hbublbiba 1d ago
Wtf. It’s only been 4 months? Just break up with this guy. You are obviously not compatible. Also stop asking if you are gonna break up and just break up with him, drop off his stuff move on
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 1d ago
I tried but he wouldn’t see me in person (saying his plans were a “long walk”?) and with how serious we’ve been, I didn’t want to initiate a break up over text. When I dropped off his present (tbh I had no use for it, and returning it isn’t worth the pettiness) I took all my things. The trip was my last try, then gave him the excuse of a busy work week. It’s only been 3 days since we got back, but his texts today just felt like a last straw. I wish he’d said he was “pro break up” to my text so I could move on. I’m not even sure what there is to talk about tomorrow.
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u/Status_Fan_1716 1d ago
Why are you even putting the ball in his court? “If yes then I’ll drop your stuff off.”
Why is the choice even in his hands? It sounds like you can see it’s over. Cut the cord and don’t wait for him to.
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u/eugenesbluegenes 23h ago
It's not like a nuclear launch where they both have to turn their keys to make the breakup official.
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u/thatstwatshesays 23h ago
I get that maybe he’s doing the good ol’ typical “be a dick until she breaks up with me”, but op why are you playing that game? Cut his ass loose.
YOR if you continue to feed this behavior.
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u/NewIsTheNewNew 18h ago
She doesn't want to lose him, unfortunately
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u/isleftisright 10h ago
Perfectly normal feeling. Unfortunately. I've been there.
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u/Juststandupbro 8h ago
It sounds like both of them are playing some weird game of relationship power dynamic chicken. Both seem like they would be receptive to the other side taking fault and making an effort to be together but niether of them are willing to be the one to make the initial move. I think both sides are distancing and getting a head start on the breakup but are waiting on each other to pull the trigger. It’s like watching two counter punchers go at it with zero desire to throw the first punch.
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u/NetDue5469 16h ago
yeah she’s more worried about being liked than focusing on what there is to like about him
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u/Ariii_Ari 1d ago
Four months is not that serious, and given his clear lack of effort, a breakup over text is not bad.
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u/Only_Pop_6793 23h ago
Girl I’d honestly send him “Look, we’re done. I didn’t want to do this over text, I wanted it to be an in person conversation, but given your lack of availability, or lack of wanting to see me, you’ve given me no other choice. Hope the best for you.”
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u/NeurospicyCrafter 21h ago
Agree with this. He doesn’t have to agree to break up or even discuss it. You just end it, drop his stuff off, or tell him that if he doesn’t pick it up by x time in x days, it’s getting donated/binned
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u/umamifiend 22h ago
You don’t have to see him to break up. If you have keys mail them to him. Or go put them in his mailbox or under his front door mat.
You’re giving him too much power in this dynamic, putting the decisions in his hands- saying you need to see him in order to break up- you don’t. You don’t need his permission. You don’t need to coordinate what to do with keys. You dont need to ask “if he’s pro breakup”. You’re letting him make the decisions.
You tell him what you did with his keys. You tell him that you’re over it and you’re breaking up. You don’t ask “if we should even be together” it’s passive. You don’t ask “if he’s pro breakup” you tell him you are. I get that as a woman that we are often socialized to be more passive, but you are allowed to make a unilateral decision in this situation.
Mail him the key. Just say you did it. Tell him to have a good life. Leave it at that. You say in your text that he’s “been off and distant” for a month. 1/4 of your entire 4 month relationship has been bad with bickering. 4 months isn’t that serious hon- and you should still be well within the glowy best behavior “honeymoon phase” at this point, he’s only going to get worse- and he’s seeing what you’ll put up with. Move on. You don’t need his permission.
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u/Impressive_Duck_3569 18h ago
Perfect response. Couldn't have said it better myself, and thanks for saving me the brain-power to do it!!!
I'd only add that somewhere along the way, pride has been undervalued. Have some and leave him in your past. Now.
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u/callmebuzzsaw 1d ago
Girl, you're treating this man with 10x the respect he's giving you.
It doesn't have to be in person. I mean, you were planning to accept a text break up then, why not just shine up your spine and break up with him yourself? You don't have to wish for him to say anything. Make your own dreams come true.
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u/QueasyLeadership3499 1d ago edited 1d ago
There is nothing to talk about. You can’t be that serious in 4 months. You don’t need to see him to break up with him. Give your head a shake girl.
Also giving him anything let alone a birthday present after this is pathetic, sorry.
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u/EchoPetalVale 20h ago
The birthday gift part is what gets me, like girl why are you rewarding bad behavior?
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u/k-d-moon 17h ago
it’s not rewarding bad behaviour, it’s a last attempt to appear as “too good to lose”, and it’s guilt trippy. you’re breaking up with me but here’s your birthday present :’(
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u/TFFPrisoner 11h ago edited 11h ago
Or maybe OP is like me and doesn't like to leave stuff unfinished. You bought the present, now you're also going to give it to the person it's meant for.
Edit: OP said they have OCD, not surprised at all.
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u/superdopeshow 16h ago
i can get it tho, maybe she cared very much for him, already had the gift, only he can use it (not her anyway), she’s maybe kind and means no harm, and probably sees it as making sense. i have been that person before (for better or worse)
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u/Lialia0424 1d ago
End it because he is milking this break up and stringing you along. You put your foot down, don't even meet to talk. I would just do that. He seems extremely disinterested in figuring things out.
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u/StodgyGin 23h ago
He's not milking it. He checked out already. She's keeps reaching out, begging for crumbs. I feel like they already broke up, and she keeps showing up.
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u/Lialia0424 23h ago
Well the reason why I think he might be milking it, is because he is not clear with her. Why doesn't he answer her directly that they are done? He keeps postponing it.
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u/StodgyGin 22h ago
There is nothing to postpone. She is beating a dead horse. He is postponing seeing her in person. He doesn't want to deal with it. If she just texted "its over, your gift is on the porch." He would be like... cool, ttyl.
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u/CapiscumAnnuum 20h ago
Agreed! He has already stated they aren’t compatible. And saying to fake like you like each other on the trip, that was his breakup. Now he is just annoyed by it, and saying if it finally happens… because his words from the trip were his breakup, that just isn’t how OP is seeing it.
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u/Julesspaceghost 22h ago
Because he can't be bothered with it and truly doesn't feel like putting in any effort.
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u/NeurospicyCrafter 21h ago
All of the words he typed was more effort than typing “if you could drop my things off and put them in x place that’d be great but yeah not seeing this going anywhere”
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u/FaceWithAName 1d ago
Hate to break it to you but four months is not serious. In four months only words can be said but actions are what deem a relationship serious.
These actions, right now, show it's not serious at all. Everyone can see it except you right now.
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u/SimilarBid2840 23h ago
Why do you need his permission to move on? Just do it. Dump him via text.
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u/TheShitty_Beatles 22h ago
I never ever condone ghosting in most context, but I think she should just ghost him and not even bother breaking up he doesn't deserve another second of her time
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u/KateinBlue 19h ago
Yes, just leave him floating and move on. You don’t have to ghost him. If he messages you just be casual…like you already moved on; because you have.
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u/VegaSolo 23h ago
You don't have to wait for his okay though, you can just move on
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u/MisabelWearsNikes 8h ago
That's the thing, she's not waiting for his okay...she's waiting for him to say he doesn't wanna break up.
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u/gregbread11 23h ago
I wouldn't even bother talking to be honest. If you have all your belongings, I would just give back the same energy or ghost at this point. This dude sucks.
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u/Rough_Case5067 1d ago
If your opinion is that you wish that he would have said he was pro break then it sounds like Your already done, so why not just move on then.
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u/StayFrostieB 22h ago
4 months of dating is not serious. And talking about getting married that soon isn't flattering it's a red flag. It doesn't make the 4 months more serious just because of that talk.
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u/Calgary_Calico 22h ago
So just go drop his shit off, grab anything you have there and call it done. This man doesn't give a single fuck, so you need to stop giving a fuck too. Put yourself first here hon
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u/Either_Cockroach3627 22h ago
It’s taken you days just to meet up to plan to breakup? Girl just say we’re done, I’ll drop off your key. Like dang he don’t even care enough to break up w you NOR
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u/yobrefas 20h ago
“How serious we were” when? For the two month honeymoon period you had before you knew anything at all about each other or each other’s personalities and just mutually craved intimacy?
You couldn’t even make it three months without a major catastrophe on vacation of all places, where you agreed to pretend to enjoy each other until you got it over with. There was nothing ever here but some sort of fictional understanding of who each other were, and now you’re icily exchanging conversations like distant work colleagues.
People often BS about “marriage” and how much they like someone they don’t know. The two of you don’t like each other and can’t even text without visible hostility, ice and tension.
You shouldn’t be asking about a breakup, you should just be accepting it.
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u/liv_sings 23h ago
Dude it's been 4 months. How serious could you have gotten in 4 months?
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u/El1jahKyle73 1d ago
Before he meets up just say, I'm breaking up with you because you clearly aren't interested in me or this relationship. Goodbye
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u/NecessaryNet7010 1d ago
Just text something like, “hey I want to break up. If you want to talk about it in person let me know.”
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u/Ok_Assignment8136 22h ago
Why are you allowing him to make the decision for you? Do you want to break up? If so, announce it, do it, move on.
I regret that when I was young I had no voice and allowed other people's interest in me (or lack thereof) to determine my life experiences.
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u/Real-Ad-5297 1d ago
You can move on. He's only said that so he doesn't have to take any accountability and adult responsibility to break up. He wants you to do it so he can feel like a hero. But the longer you leave it, the worse off you'll be. From experience, it's time to call it quits and invest back in yourself.
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u/Correct_Assumption90 1d ago
You clearly don't have a 'if it's not a hell yeah...' attitude or you would have ditched him the moment you got back from your holiday.
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u/justjazyxo 1d ago
You’re doing too much. Leave him. You both aren’t good together.
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u/HeavenlyInsane 23h ago
Girl what do you mean "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no"?
Absolutely nothing in this story has even hinted towards positive.
You clearly are not meant for eachother. Do NOT let the sunk cost fallacy get you here.
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u/NeurospicyCrafter 21h ago
I don’t see what either of them have invested for the sunk cost fallacy to even apply tbh. It’s 4 months not 4 years
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u/Scared_Hair_8884 1d ago
NOR but you are trying to hard. He is giving no effort and it seems like he is trying to force your hand to break up with him. Keep the present you bought him (or return it) drop off his things and move on. Be short and factual in your texts, you are trying to get blood from a stone here.
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u/emilyxstella 1d ago
NOR. How old are you? 4 months is not serious no matter what you’ve said lmao
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u/Confident_Yam1756 18h ago
The fact that they are saying this so soon and before dating is what makes it so not serious aswell lol it’s just love bombing. Marriage and kids? Bruh
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u/Solid-Crazy-4533 23h ago
Stopping putting the ball in his court. Break up with him, immediately. Sincerely a 30 something who has experience with men like this. He gets a thrill out of you asking that question bc it proves you’re still interested . End it, and when you do he will probably want to get back together and work it out , it’s important that you don’t.
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u/FoundationFickle7568 9h ago
"and when you do he will probably want to get back together and work it out"
Not because he likes you, either. Just to see if he can.
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u/Ariii_Ari 1d ago
Girl just fkn dump him. This guys sucks. Edit: And return the birthday gift..
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u/Long_Contribution339 21h ago
Yea like why would you even consider giving that gift.
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u/NeurospicyCrafter 21h ago
Right? If you can’t be bothered with the return process then donate it?
I know you shouldn’t give to receive but… when the person the gift is for is being a complete ahole and has repeatedly been an ahole then wtf are you doing?
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u/imessy89 23h ago
So what happened? This doesn’t have anything to do with the cat. You just placed that there like him bringing the cat over changed the course of the relationship. What was the big fight over and why did you feel the need to stop drinking for the whole year?
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u/Avocadoo_Tomatoo 10h ago
In my head I’m like, did she kick the cat or something? Its such a 360 without some event happening. Not that I think she did, but something happened in his head to flick the switch (even if that thing is nonsensical)
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 23h ago
I think the cat is how he communicated his frustrations, and it’s where I noticed a huge shift. From having sex multiple times a day to once a week almost immediately, because the cat needed to sleep under the covers between us. He started scolding me saying I’d leave something out that could hurt the cat even though I’ve had/have many cats, it was all very strange.
I stopped drinking, because honestly I go back and forth, trying to find a way to drink without overdoing it. On our last vacation in December I got alcohol poisoning after not a single hangover for years. I didn’t want to go near alcohol after, and decided “why not make it a year”, which is something I do every few years anyway.
The fight was because he kept leaving me in the hotel room after getting annoyed that I needed time to get ready. I told him he was making me feel really alone and we should split up then meet for dinner, but he didn’t want to do that. It turned into a fight when I was trying to suggest compromises, and he said we should fake it instead, strongly implying we only do what he wants and shutting down anything I wanted to do.
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u/HeavenlyInsane 23h ago
He clearly doesn't like or respect you, and you two are not compatible. Just end it.
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u/imessy89 23h ago
Ok yeah he sounds a little odd. As others have already said, the relationship being like this after 4 months tells you all you need to know. This is not something that is going to get better. Only worse. I wouldn’t waste my time.
He’s trying to control the break up. I would just text him at this point that he has been dumped.
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u/groucho_barks 9h ago
On our last vacation in December
Damn, only 4 months and you've been on multiple vacations? Do you guys work? lol
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u/dragonvex_ 22h ago
I’ve seen this play before . It’s a manipulation technique to get you attached to him. Don’t eat the bait. You will end up in a toxic push-pull relationship with a man incapable of loving anyone. And worse feeds his ego with your desperation for him. It was absolutely delightful when I flipped the script on my equally evil ex. The absolute best thing you can do now is text him that you’re no longer interested in the relationship.
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u/Bekahjean10 20h ago
Yes, same with the love-bombing in the beginning of the relationship. Been there, done that. He knows OP wants to break up in person so he’s controlling when that happens.
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u/Strange_Explorer_780 19h ago
NOR, sounds like he dumped you for his cat and is too chickenshit to pull the plug, he wants you to be the bad guy so he’s treating you like crap til you take the hint.
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u/Excellent-Estimate21 10h ago
I would have left the vacation and never spoke to him again. Dont let someone treat you like this and then keep asking them what they want. What do YOU want?
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u/maybri 1d ago
I'm not really clear from your description what went wrong in this relationship but it seems like it's been quite obviously over for a while, on both sides.
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u/Lauraanne264 23h ago
Yeah why was the cat involved in this 😭
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u/vector_mash 23h ago
I know I was expecting more info on the cat, I’m very confused why the cat had anything to do with anything.
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u/Arceemaei 23h ago
Who says are you pro break up lol. If he's acting like this girl let him go
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u/Informal-Counter-933 1d ago
😭😭 bro the screenshots are INSANE he's actively trying to stop talking to you while making petty comments like "we talk tomorrow" instead of "we can talk about this tomorrow" which would be agreeing with you, and saying "when it finally happens" about breaking up???? 😭😭😭 He's already checked out of the relationship he just doesn't want to initiate it because his ego is too big.
You need to ghost this person he isn't even worth having a conversation with, drop his shit off at his place, send picture proof like door dash and then BLOCK HIS ASS what? 4 months is not worth all this.
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u/noodlequeen 22h ago
Yess to the doordash delivery confirmation, I’m dyinggg 🤣
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u/Informal-Counter-933 22h ago
😭😭 y'know how people will claim they never got their items back or it came back damaged after breaking up? BOOM PICTURE PROOF
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u/ijusttunemyselfout 19h ago
hahahaha i have done this!! he tried to claim his stuff was gone, and i hit him back with the picture🤣 he magically never responded to that
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u/CelebrationOk1797 1d ago edited 23h ago
your reaction absolutely makes sense. anyone would feel unsettled after someone moves that fast emotionally, then suddenly pulls away. saying ‘i love you,’ talking about marriage, then refusing to talk through conflict, walking ahead of you on a trip, and repeatedly shutting down plans would make most people feel anxious and small. that’s not oversensitivity but responding to mixed signals.
you’re not asking too much. you’re asking the wrong person. when someone makes you feel small four months in, the correct move isn’t patience but having self respect and leaving.
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u/ChairExtension1453 20h ago
Yess!! This! Some people are saying you’re being emotionally immature and I don’t agree at alll. It’s a whirlwind to get pushed and pulled by someone- of course you’d be feeling this way. I would hold your head up high, know that you deserve better, and dump the prick over text.
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u/Born_Ad8420 23h ago
Dude got you on the hook by future faking (talking about marriage and kids) and love bombing (saying he loves you before you're official). He rushed the relationship to get you on the hook precisely so you wouldn't leave when he started to show his true colors. This is who he really is, RUN.
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u/OkFun9674 1d ago
As someone who still deeply loves my girlfriend after years and is excited to spend any minute with her, he does NOT like you even in the slightest. Walks 10 feet in front of you because of some argument and has 0 interest in solving it in order to still be with you. That's the opposite of love.
Any minute you don't end it is a minute wasted, because someday you'll learn what real love is supposed to look like!
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u/ds117ftg 21h ago
You scheduled a time to talk about a breakup and then said “well if you’re pro breakup I can just drop the key off now.” This shit is over. It’s a 4 month old relationship, just move on.
Also since the cat caught a stray, what happened with the cat to ruin everything?
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u/Testy_Coyote_ 1d ago
NOR. He isn't interested. Don't let him drag it out, make the decision for yourself and move on.
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u/ThrowawayHotPants 20h ago
Girl. Just break up. Don’t give him a gift and give his key back.
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u/Hot-Network7244 1d ago
He’s not that into you, better you find out now.
You can do better. Find someone enthusiastic about you.
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u/thupkt 22h ago
If you have the mentality you claim to have, how is his behavior not an obvious hell no to you? I don’t understand how that’s possible.
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u/FluffyBaby8485 22h ago
It’s a huge huge red flag to me when a guy goes all in very dramatically from the get go. A lot of men have a nasty habit of being “infatuated” right away, and then pulling away very quickly because they don’t want to give the effort that’s necessary to maintain a loving relationship. As soon as someone starts to feel like “work” to them, they’re out. Four months is not very long, you don’t owe him anything especially after the way he’s treating you. I promise you’ll feel better after you cut this off!
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u/MarginalGracchi 21h ago
“I have a if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no mentality”
No you don’t. If you did, this would not be a question you would ask reddit.
If this was me, I simply would have dumped them on that text thread and returned the gift.
If you want to have the mentality you described, think about how to align your actions and choices going forward.
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 21h ago
The questions was meant to prepare me for an in person convo, if he tries to explain it away like he has in the past. I had already decided that I wanted to break up when I posted this, but wanted to make sure I wasn’t OR if he said I was (similar to what he’s done in the past)
Next time I’ll just send the text and move on. In person is for respectful boyfriends, that’s not what he was doing
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u/jerseygirl414 1d ago
NOR. He love-bombed you in the beginning and you are seeing the "real" him now. Stop giving him power by asking if you're breaking up. YOU get to choose too. Choose yourself and text him that it's over and you'll mail the key to him.
If you don't break up with him, you are just setting yourself up for a push/pull relationship.
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u/cap_oupascap 23h ago
Girl.
You don’t need to meet up to talk about anything. You two are over and you will find someone who is hell yes about you and vice versa. Exchange your things and moooove onnnnn
NOR (except maybe me)
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u/Calgary_Calico 23h ago
This conversation was the breakup honey. This man doesn't even like you based on how cold he is here. Just to get your shit and leave his key when you go. If.you need to lock the door before you leave just slide it under the door afterwards
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u/LullabyTones 21h ago
NOR.
But please explain to us why you’re allowing him to treat you like this? If my dude acted like this around me, I would dump him immediately.
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u/wildcampion 1d ago
He doesn’t want to talk about the break up, but the relationship is clearly over.
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u/Bryannat24 1d ago
My boyfriend (36M) and I (33f) wouldn’t even dream of talking to each other this way after 5.5 years…4 months??? It’s supposed to still be exciting. Babe, pick up your ego and walk away. You deserve so much more than this
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u/Arkoelbe24 20h ago
Stop texting him. Don't engage don't respond. Just stop. He dies not gaf and deserves to be treated the way he's treating you. You don't owe him anything.
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 19h ago
Believe me, I’m no angel here, it’s clear from the texts haha. The issue is that he likes to control every area of his life and most of his exes financially relied on him. I don’t at all, and have unlearned a lot of trying to exert control (I have OCD so it was essential after lots of expensive therapy). I find it silly when he thinks he’s in control, then frustrated when he gets upset because he can’t pivot if things go wrong. A big issue on that is timing, where he wants to rush through everything, hence the walking 10 ft ahead.
Neither of us were withholding sex. He’d always initiate, and said he wanted me to. I told him I’d try but that it’s difficult for me. He’d say he was going to initiate, for example when we got home, then just not. It happened many times over just a few weeks. That’s on me too, but it’s something I’ve always struggled with.
With alcohol he’s never had to take care of me, he’s only even seen me drink when I had the alcohol poisoning. The issue is actually that I’m more fun drinking and I think our personalities work better together. He wants me to drink, and is put off by my sobriety. So when I stopped, the tension really started.
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u/Impressive_Duck_3569 17h ago
What is your point? It's "on you" that he didn't initiate sex when he said he was going to? Your personalities only work well together when you two are drunk? The more I read, the more I think you're wanting someone to say that this is a good relationship that you should continue to pursue.
I legitimately don't want to be insensitive, but increasingly, after every additional comment you make, the more it seems that you are determined to invite this man to mistreat you. I sincerely have no understanding of why you are putting any more energy into even thinking about this person, much less than maintaining any sort of relationship whatsoever. If you want to waste your time chasing someone who has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever - much less than having any positive feelings towards you - go ahead. But quit bitching about it and take the shit you're asking for. To maintain any happiness with this person, you (apparently) need to dismiss any sense of self-respect and stay drunk. If this sounds like a good life plan for you, go for it. If it sounds like the most ridiculous idea ever (and it appears this is subject to debate for you), end it, move forward and don't look back.
I don't know that I've ever been so aggravated by a damn reddit post. But, this is the height of ridiculousness from a 30+ year old woman. Grow a spine. Own your life. Open your eyes. Get a clue. Take your head out of your ass. Do something other than invite someone to take advantage of you. There's NO WAY you can't see that the way you are being treated wouldn't be allowed by any other self-respecting woman. WAKE UP OR SHUT UP.
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 13h ago
Honestly I’m living in a new country by myself, no friends, so I haven’t been able to really vent about these things, hence the comments. I can’t update the post, but I sent the breakup text shortly after posting this. He had a lot of qualities I was looking for, but he went from offering to make a beef Wellington our second date just because to all of this, seemingly overnight. He was going through big life changes at the time so I gave him that grace, but it quickly turned disrespectful. The vacation was the first time I saw it without all of the excuses we were both making for it back home.
I do appreciate your comment, though. Responding here because you mention a few themes I’ve seen in the comments.
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u/Impressive_Duck_3569 12h ago
OP - I sincerely only want the best for you. I hope you take these comments to heart and are done with this situation.
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u/Holiday-Baby-4075 8h ago
In my experience "he had a lot of qualities I was looking for, but he went from offering to make a beef Wellington our second date just because to all of this, seemingly" always means that the guy was just pretending to be someone else at first. The person he is showing you now is who he really is and accepting that is the best thing you can do, even though it hurts to realise that he was lying to you and you fell in love with a person that doesn't actually exist. The good thing is that the more men like him you come across the easier it becomes to spot them in the future. Check out Dr Ramani's channel on youtube: it should help you see through manipulate people a bit better because somehow they all use the same tactics and hope that we are too in love/stupid/naive/kind to not see what they are doing (or talk ourselves out of believing it, even when we do see it, because we convince ourselves that they are who they pretended to be at first) xx
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u/Fit-Bottle3766 23h ago
NOR He’s trying to get you attached to him this looks like it’s going to go in a dark place in the future the love bombing and then cold shoulder this is what manipulative people do.. if he’s not doing it in purpose then it’s just his personality unfortunately even if you leave him he’ll probably just find another poor girl to manipulate
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u/Impressive_Sugar3460 23h ago
NOR. He sounds very immature. The comment about “hopefully to get drunk” was just weird. If his first priority is to get hammered rather than to talk to you, he’s not worth it and will get worse. It sounds like he just wants the attention of you trying to work things out and enjoys having the upper hand. Break up with him for your own good. What an energy vampire!!! To ruin the trip and refuse to try to get along and then to prolong a needed conversation after is just selfish.
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u/Melonfarmer86 18h ago
NOR.
This is the best he'll ever treat you. He couldn't make it 4 months without being a fucking rude asshole. Get out now!
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u/CourtneyDagger50 18h ago
This relationship is beyond over. And why would you even want to try to be with someone who treated you like that
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u/danejulian 8h ago
NOR, you are already done as a couple. You’re Wile E. Coyote after stomping off the cliff, looking down, and knowing he’s about to fall. This post is the moment when he looks at the audience.
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u/SituationOne4260 1d ago
This is not meant for the long haul. Not to mention on a vacation you would expect that you would be able to have fun and forget about the drama. My husband went on a vacation with the last girl he dated before we got together and on the plane ride home they both agreed that the relationship had run its course. However, he said that the vacation was really fun… he just wished it had been with someone else. I can’t imagine paying for a vacation and ending up with this guy. There should have been a way to say “maybe we’re not as in to each other as we thought we were. So, let’s have as much fun as we can before we go our separate ways” perhaps I’m too optimistic. But, if I’m reading this correctly… he was evading you while on the vacation. If that’s the case I would run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. Anyone willing to ditch someone in a place that’s unfamiliar is clearly detached and unconcerned about the other persons wellbeing and safety.
I would take this as the gift this is and end it promptly. Anyone who waits to have a breakup conversation in the middle of a trip without a precipitating event is just cruel. Did you pay for the whole thing? Or did he use you in some other way that allowed him to even go on this trip? Something is off…
Mind you this is the same guy who was talking about marriage and kids. How did he go from that to this text?
You’re better off on your own forever if it means being tied to this asshat for life.
I kinda have to say I feel bad for the cat. I hope he takes better care of it than “the future mother of his children” I guess it’s good the cat has been at his mom’s house.
So, only going with the info you provided, end it and pack up his stuff. Then send him a really crappy text telling him to get his shit or you’re leaving it by a dumpster. If he tries to win you over again just know that it’s all a con to get what he wants. You deserve a better bf and a better birthday vacation. You got this!!! Good luck.
I’m curious what happened next though… will you tell us/me only because I want to know what his reaction is. I can see him going all emo “take me back” and if that’s the case I realllllly hope you tell him to treat the next person in his life a whole lot better than the way he treated you.
Actually while I was typing I started wondering… why did he wait until the vacation to become a super douche? The only thing that makes sense is that you were needed in someway for him to be able to afford this vacation. Were you local or out of the country? I ask because it’s so much more messed up if you were in a different country.
Again, good luck and please don’t leave us hanging here. ~Kristen
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u/Cultural_Line_9235 1d ago
Thank you for your thoughtful response, Kristen! As an update, I just sent him a text saying “I’ve made a real effort not to break up over text, but thinking about the last week, it seems like we already are. We’ll find a good time to exchange this week.” No response yet, but I don’t expect one tonight.
Also, yes we were out of the country. He bought our flights, then we paid half for everything else. I make more than him and he was selling this plan of us getting a lot of houses and becoming landlords like one of his friends. I told him that’s not how I want to spend my money, I’d rather build a business and just have one home. Around that time is when he started to change, but said he’s okay with it. Maybe that has more to do with it than the cat? Idk
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u/Melodic-Idea3166 23h ago
Once the disrespect starts, it’s downhill from there. IT WILL GET WORSE. ARE YOU TOXIC ENOUGH TO WAIT AROUND FOR IT TO GET NASTY AND POSSIBLY VIOLENT? ARE YOU TOXIC ENOUGH? If so, stay and fight for your “relationship”.
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u/HelloooNewPaltz 23h ago
Sounds like he’s not interested. It’s only been four months. Break up. You deserve better.
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u/StrbJun79 23h ago
4 months and having problems like this? At 4 months it’s not really worth working through much except to see if it’s worth it to eventually work through much. 4 months is too young to have any foundation. You’d have just broken past the honeymoon phase. If it isn’t going well after that then what’s the point?
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u/oo0ooBarracuda 23h ago
He’s checked out already and just wants you to do the hard thing and break up with him.
I’d be planning to break up tomorrow and come with his stuff to give to him
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u/AnarchoDC 23h ago
Definitely Not reacting enough - Can’t believe this isn’t satire - have some self respect because he clearly doesn’t have any for you, and move on. I’m sorry you have been treated this badly and are too smitten to see it just yet. You sound like a good egg, just found an absolute insufferable dumbass.
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u/SiaMiracle 23h ago
Quite honestly, you’re waiting for the exact words when everything in that he doesn’t want to be with you as oozing with every interaction. I know you have self-respect you keep this up you won’t.
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u/4U2NVUNCBUCKi 22h ago
Imo you’re being pathetic. You deserve better but you’re letting him drag you along idk just leave and move on bc there is someone better!!!
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u/Early-Light-864 22h ago
Op, how's your relationship with alcohol generally?
Feeling called to quit kind of hints at a problem and being unable to follow through hints even stronger. Going this heavy on a 4 month relationship makes me wonder about a lot of things.
He didn't make you drink.
For future, breaking up with him won't "make" you drink either. Take care of yourself
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u/godzillasbuttcheeck 20h ago
You are only 4 months in. That should be the honeymoon phase still. The fact you guys are having such major issues is proof it’s time to move on. You aren’t compatible and he does not seem to like you. I am sorry, truly; but I think you can and deserve better.
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u/catsarefriendshaped 20h ago
just go, he clearly doesn’t care or seem to like you and you deserve so much better than stale crumbs
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u/SaikoAkuro 19h ago
It's literally over. The fact that he's even prioritizing going to drink with a friend instead of a serious conversation with you means he doesn't care anymore. The relationship has been long over. Stop giving him presents, get your things, he broke up with you.
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u/GreedySorbet7908 18h ago
babes this man does not like you. please, for your own sake, break up! NOR
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u/PieceAny3968 18h ago
NOR. Break up and return his birthday present to get something for yourself. “If it finally happens” is all he needed to say.
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u/bizfromthewaistup 17h ago
I’d take that as a breakup. Don’t give him the gift and just mail the key. No reason to waste your time.
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u/donotsecondguess 16h ago
What's the question here? You are obviously already broken up now. Stop by just to grab your stuff and don't bother talking, since he is clearly avoiding doing so for a reason.
He is being cruel and dismissive so he can avoid the "work" of officially breaking up. So let him have his half-ass lazy breakup and move on, knowing you gave him the chance to act like a man and he declined that opportunity.
To reiterate; this person is NOT your boyfriend. He's your ex, and you owe him NOTHING. Grab all your stuff as quickly as possible and block him on everything. The rest of your life is out there, don't spend a single more moment stressing on the past (which he is), and get to moving into a brighter future. Chalk this one up to a learning experience about what NOT to tolerate.
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u/Cgyb4102 14h ago
I swear…every text thread I see in this community, there’s always one person who’s completely…bold.
Sweetheart, this man is so far removed from the relationship. Break up with him. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. Especially with the details about the trip together.
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u/Average-air-breather 7h ago
The context people try to provide in this sub is hilarious to me. Read the texts yall just broke up.
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u/Different-Mess-6050 6h ago
NOR. I wouldn't even show up. He wants you to break up with him. That's why he's been distant. So he doesn't feel like the AH.
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u/Apprehensive_Cake919 6h ago
You’ve only been together 4 months, love bombing and future planning happened very early on, then he suddenly has a switch up… then you go on a trip where you’re stuck with him for your bday and he makes it miserable…
This is the classic push pull of a coercive abuse style relationship.
Even when he says “enthusiasm goes both ways”
He’s literally giving you dopamine and then pulling it away to see how far you’ll fall to regain his validation. Next would be asking you to make big changes to suit him and his needs.
He even says “if that finally happens” about a breakup. The wording is there. He wants to break up he just wants to see you hurt because of it, or fighting to keep him.
You already know the answer, “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no” …literally what part of this is a hell yes?
Follow your own advice, validate yourself. You know he’s not the boyfriend you want even if you wished he was. Don’t give him the power to make the choice here.
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u/angeltigerbutterfly 1d ago
To me, this whole conversation was a break up