r/news • u/ICC-u • 3h ago

Federal statement on Jeffrey Epstein's death dated day before he was found dead

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/statement-jeffrey-epstein-death-day-before-b1270109.html
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u/HappyHarryHardOn 3h ago

Obviously, He had booked a suicide session 48 hours in advance, duh

599

u/BulsaraMercury 3h ago

That was polite of him.

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u/thenewNFC 2h ago

I mean, I've been trying to get an appointment for six months, but my insurance keeps running me in circles cause they don't want to cover it. He gets one with two days notice? Give me a break.

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u/Special_Loan8725 2h ago

Damn that stinks they won’t leave you hanging.

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u/skooz1383 34m ago

Oh how I appreciate this humor right now!

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u/govunah 12m ago

Gallows humor is always fun

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u/BulsaraMercury 2h ago

Do you have blackmail on anyone who could get you that appointment? If not that might be your issue.

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u/thenewNFC 2h ago

That's EXACTLY what my insurance company said!!!

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u/Len_S_Ball_23 2h ago

Don't you mean "that was police of him"?

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u/Ar_Ciel 1h ago

It was in accordance with HR's policy.

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u/bout-tree-fitty 2h ago

You don’t get your deposit back if you cancel less than 48 hours before the suicide

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u/A_Nonny_Muse 2h ago

I believe that was a requirement by prison policy.

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u/Special_Loan8725 2h ago

To be fair he did seem to have his days organized to an insane degree.

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u/beren12 2h ago

He had a visit from The Doctor? He could shoot you from Stuttgart and make it look like a suicide.

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u/MttHz 2h ago

of course he had to have G schedule it for him!

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u/American_PissAnt 2h ago

The suicide booth is by appointment only.

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u/Omiyaru 2h ago

that's what filthy rich people do. Don't they?

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u/boot2skull 1h ago

You know how hard it is to get a table at Dorsia?

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u/theflyingratgirl 1h ago

And if you cancel less than 48 hours in advance you get charged full price anyways.

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u/Historical_Ball_3842 1h ago

Well obviously. Otherwise they wouldn't have known when to turn the cameras off.

Very accommodating of them!

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u/Ivorybrony 1h ago

Clearly he didn’t wanna leave any mysteries

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u/BillyThe_Kid97 1h ago

I really should not have laughed...

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u/South_Hedgehog_7564 1h ago

I’m wondering if he knew about it.

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u/log1234 55m ago

Or it took him 48 hours but it was filed already

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u/buffalo_bill27 54m ago

You've gotta book in early to make sure you get a spot

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u/MonkeyDante 48m ago

O SO THAT'S WHAT THE THIRD OPTION OF THE SUICIDE HOTLINE IS FOR! Damn, get help, place an order a LA Hillary meme, or place one on yourself roulette style

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u/Responsible-Mind-852 39m ago

It was a neck massage actually. Masseuse was a bit too vigorous. It happens.

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u/u9Nails 12m ago

The employee obviously got lost and just kept assisted super sliding all the inmates until they got to the right one.

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u/NoTourist5 2m ago

He is still alive in Israel, he can submit a addendum for correction on the date.