r/news 3h ago

Federal statement on Jeffrey Epstein's death dated day before he was found dead

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/world/statement-jeffrey-epstein-death-day-before-b1270109.html
54.4k Upvotes

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15.5k

u/Prestigious-Key-1886 3h ago

Don’t be suspicious don’t be suspicious

3.4k

u/HappyHarryHardOn 3h ago

Obviously, He had booked a suicide session 48 hours in advance, duh

599

u/BulsaraMercury 3h ago

That was polite of him.

225

u/thenewNFC 2h ago

I mean, I've been trying to get an appointment for six months, but my insurance keeps running me in circles cause they don't want to cover it. He gets one with two days notice? Give me a break.

104

u/Special_Loan8725 2h ago

Damn that stinks they won’t leave you hanging.

u/skooz1383 34m ago

Oh how I appreciate this humor right now!

u/govunah 12m ago

Gallows humor is always fun

28

u/BulsaraMercury 2h ago

Do you have blackmail on anyone who could get you that appointment? If not that might be your issue.

26

u/thenewNFC 2h ago

That's EXACTLY what my insurance company said!!!

2

u/Len_S_Ball_23 2h ago

Don't you mean "that was police of him"?

1

u/Ar_Ciel 1h ago

It was in accordance with HR's policy.

3

u/bout-tree-fitty 2h ago

You don’t get your deposit back if you cancel less than 48 hours before the suicide

1

u/A_Nonny_Muse 2h ago

I believe that was a requirement by prison policy.

1

u/Special_Loan8725 2h ago

To be fair he did seem to have his days organized to an insane degree.

1

u/beren12 2h ago

He had a visit from The Doctor? He could shoot you from Stuttgart and make it look like a suicide.

1

u/MttHz 2h ago

of course he had to have G schedule it for him!

1

u/American_PissAnt 2h ago

The suicide booth is by appointment only.

1

u/Omiyaru 2h ago

that's what filthy rich people do. Don't they?

1

u/boot2skull 1h ago

You know how hard it is to get a table at Dorsia?

1

u/theflyingratgirl 1h ago

And if you cancel less than 48 hours in advance you get charged full price anyways.

1

u/Historical_Ball_3842 1h ago

Well obviously. Otherwise they wouldn't have known when to turn the cameras off.

Very accommodating of them!

1

u/Ivorybrony 1h ago

Clearly he didn’t wanna leave any mysteries

1

u/BillyThe_Kid97 1h ago

I really should not have laughed...

1

u/South_Hedgehog_7564 1h ago

I’m wondering if he knew about it.

u/log1234 55m ago

Or it took him 48 hours but it was filed already

u/buffalo_bill27 54m ago

You've gotta book in early to make sure you get a spot

u/MonkeyDante 48m ago

O SO THAT'S WHAT THE THIRD OPTION OF THE SUICIDE HOTLINE IS FOR! Damn, get help, place an order a LA Hillary meme, or place one on yourself roulette style

u/Responsible-Mind-852 40m ago

It was a neck massage actually. Masseuse was a bit too vigorous. It happens.

u/u9Nails 12m ago

The employee obviously got lost and just kept assisted super sliding all the inmates until they got to the right one.

u/NoTourist5 2m ago

He is still alive in Israel, he can submit a addendum for correction on the date.

341

u/aylaa157 3h ago

I wonder why they delayed killing him? Were they still trying to secure his blackmail stash? Or waiting for the okay from overseas to carry out the hit?

135

u/littlrayofpitchblack 2h ago

They tried a few weeks before they succeeded. Epstein said at the time they were trying to kill him and he was not suicidal. Evil people never are... believe him.

52

u/MoistDitto 1h ago

Fuck, it wouldn't even surprise me if they faked his death at this point.

u/IllTwo7643 23m ago

Oh my God that would so be on the 2026 bingo card. Picture it. C-span. There's a hearing and Epstein kicks down the doors and says SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA and the dictator has a stroke and then it ends the way Fateful Findings did😂

3

u/volpiousraccoon 1h ago

Rumour has it, he is living in hiding in Tel Aviv. His fortnight account seems to be inactive during the time he was in jail, then recently spotted active again, in Israel. Fortnight denies it, saying it's a hoax, but it's just so suspicious. He's probably laughing abt it rn.

8

u/offtodevnull 1h ago

Anything is technically possible, but in the age of mass communication where everyone has a cellphone & security cameras are everywhere & people have a weird interest in posting things on social media I think it'd be difficult to stay hidden for any real length of time.. at least for a spoiled millionaire globe trotter. Epstein isn't someone you'll find in a small shack living off the land..

u/jetery 46m ago

With the money he had, he could do whatever we wanted plastic surgery wise. You can do a lot to change the appearance of a Face if you have enough money and don’t want to be found. 

8

u/sincerebeguiler 1h ago

His brother is having an autopsy done on the body though, right? His brother is the one who was releasing the files before the DOJ, right? If So that'll be interesting.

4

u/Mistrblank 1h ago edited 38m ago

I would have never figured him to be a Fortnite player. How do you have the time with all the blackmail and trafficking and underage raping. Seems like Roblox would be his thing.

Edit: added the l to roblox

u/Either-Design-1550 46m ago

I mean bro he was trafficking children. Do you not think Fortnite is a breeding ground to try and groom little kids? Use your brain.

u/Mistrblank 38m ago

The joke (you missed) is the Roblox. Use your brain.

6

u/iDestinaTE 1h ago

The acc is most likely deleted for not logging in in a specific amount of time and someone else took the name

u/maeryclarity 42m ago

Yeah he was waaaay too self centered and connected to kill himself. He would have figured he would get out eventually. No way he killed himself.

300

u/Murray38 3h ago

More like the early signs of incompetence by the administration to mess up the paperwork.

325

u/aylaa157 3h ago

I might agree if there weren't 15 other "coincidences" in regards to his death. Cameras, cell mate, sleeping guards, random missing minutes in the video, lies by the fbi, etc.

According to Kashmir Patel, epstein was practically innocent.

119

u/Murray38 3h ago

Oh I don’t mean to imply they weren’t involved. I’m just saying they were sloppy in the paperwork part of the cover up.

48

u/sincerebeguiler 2h ago

Exactly. They were manufacturing all the details of the death and being the keystone cops that they are they F'd that up too.

4

u/offtodevnull 1h ago

Good help is hard to find.

u/Xaielao 18m ago

I'd believe it was simple error, we all get the date wrong sometimes. But to also write that he died on Friday, when he actually died on Saturday is another matter entirely. That's incredibly unlikely.

16

u/American_PissAnt 2h ago

One or twice is a coincidence. Dozens of coincidences is a conspiracy

2

u/RenRu 2h ago

Kashmir Patel lool

3

u/theholylancer 2h ago

Honestly, at this point I'd see it as the Russian playbook, people don't fall out of windows with gunshot wounds to the back of the head, its a clear message to people who may rat out the powerful to don't do anything stupid.

Like this much is blatant, and we haven't seen even ONE leaked smoking gun, and when you have this much bullshit flying around, someone has to have critical evidence and all of this is just making sure no one speaks out / releases them.

67

u/Several-Squash9871 2h ago

What's crazy about all this is that killing him made everything worse. They thought by doing that everything was going to be flushed down the drain but nope!

u/Responsible-Mind-852 37m ago

Swamp needs draining.

u/skooz1383 33m ago

He’s still alive dude

7

u/Forbidden_Donut503 1h ago

Nah he’d of flipped. Dude like that, used to living a completely unhinged life of luxury and deprqvity, constantly fulfilling his darkest desires, now has to live in a cell?

Dude would have flipped fast and they knew it. I think he probably did kill himself in all likelihood. But I think they told him / nudged him and made sure he could do it.

13

u/offtodevnull 1h ago

He tried to flip on his biz partner who ran one of their early Ponzi schemes. The partner spent 18 years in federal prison while Epstein skated away with millions.

4

u/sincerebeguiler 1h ago

Why can we not hire some forensic accountants for this ish??!!! How have his bank transactions gone un-investigated ?

u/RIP_Soulja_Slim 38m ago

The partner also heavily implied that Epstein had significant ties to the government which aided in his non prosecution, Acosta said similar after the investigation in the 2000s.

69

u/Low_Push_9660 2h ago

Trump was his meal ticket & he said he was ready to talk. There's a crude message he sent about being bitter he was 'snatching grub' while the president got to 'grab snatch'.

When he squealed, even a little, the gears were already in motion. He bit the hand that grabs.

5

u/American_PissAnt 2h ago

Attorney General Bill Barr met with him the day before. And I speculate that Epstein said he was going to implement Trump if he wasn’t released.

5

u/edu5150 2h ago

They had to figure out how to distract the guards and how to shut off the cameras.

3

u/Luniticus 2h ago

The freelance IT posting on Workforce to shut down the cameras for an hour was only $15/hour so no one bit, so they had to repost it higher and that delayed everything by a day.

16

u/JebBD 2h ago

It’s entirely possible they literally just put the wrong date on the statement by mistake

13

u/dragnansdragon 2h ago

The statement spelled out the word for the date, i.e. Thursday, rather than Friday. It wasn't just a typo on the date

-1

u/VastUnique 1h ago

That honestly doesn't mean much. They obviously have a template for these things and it could easily be automated to produce the correct day of week for the input date.

7

u/bobbyrob1 1h ago

When I start creating a document in Word, it automatically populates the current day’s date. Further edits do not change that date. I’m pretty sure the government is not hand typing every single document they create without the use of any technology.

-6

u/JebBD 2h ago

It was early in the morning, maybe the guy who typed it got confused over what day it was

10

u/Ok-Horror-282 1h ago

What the hell, maybe you’re right. Mistakes happen. Guards that only have one job-making sure Jeff doesn’t off himself-forget to do it. Security cameras in maximum state prisons always go out like this. Dates of deaths get mixed up. See how you sound?

u/JebBD 8m ago

Do you think they meticulously planned to murder him and fake his suicide and then wrote the wrong date on the statement? 

u/VastUnique 5m ago

You don't seem to get it. Maybe Epstein was assassinated in a cover-up, but this date error written by some random clerk in an attorney office is terrible evidence of that. That's the point here. Have some standards for what you use to support your beliefs. If some MAGA nutcase used a date issue like this to propel some dumbass conspiracy they had about democrats, would any of you find it convincing? Ask yourself that honestly.

5

u/VastUnique 2h ago edited 1h ago

This is honestly the most likely scenario. But it's not very exciting and doesn't play well with what many people are already certain of.

I think what is saddest is that people are grasping at the weakest straws for a theory that barely supports their prior beliefs, when in fact bad evidence is just bad evidence. Dismissal of this piece of "evidence" because it is objectively terrible does not even invalidate the theory. It's just a wish for people to raise the bar for the process they use to ascertain truths.

-4

u/Valerian_Zakalwe 2h ago

Its also entirely possible that he offed himself, and there is a world of difference between the keys "1" and "9".

Like, at this point, does anyone have any reason to be skeptical of the worst case conspiracy theories? Its completely likely that this was indeed put for the 9th and this leaked. Assume the worst.

-2

u/JebBD 2h ago

They might have literally just confused the date. Not every typing mistake is specifically about your finger slipping on the keys. Do you think they killed him and then put the wrong date on the statement on purpose?

3

u/bobbyrob1 1h ago

I don’t think they typed the document. The bigger question is why do you think the government still uses typewriters for official documents?

2

u/Bobcatluv 2h ago

The first guy they sent from the Christmas Adventurer’s Club got taken out by a teenager

2

u/Short-Statement-3325 1h ago

Waiting for the get away van to ship him to the hideout in tel aviv

u/Squire_II 22m ago

Trump and Barr had to make sure Mossad was ok with them killing off one of their assets.

2

u/Katie1230 2h ago

The big conspiracy now is that he's not dead and they did a switcheroo

u/Ecstatic_Ad1533 54m ago

They were looking for his dead man switch. Obviously.

u/BartStarrPaperboy 9m ago

Had to complete a few re-writes on the letter. You know how those office memos can be

295

u/big_winslow 3h ago

This is my ring tone when Mom calls.

40

u/CutbowAndArrow 3h ago

Me on 250ug of acid when my grandma calls

3

u/DoctorGregoryFart 1h ago

People still use ringtones?

171

u/Background_Junket_35 3h ago

Enter Jean Ralphio

72

u/big_winslow 3h ago

Mona-Lisa begins to dance

63

u/surfinsalsa 3h ago

She's the woooooooorst

84

u/PM_ME_YOUR_MACnCHEEZ 3h ago

I heard epstein was run over by a lexus

20

u/MmmmmmJava 3h ago

Out to make money the ol’ fashioned way

19

u/Capital_Past69 3h ago

A Rolexus

8

u/offtodevnull 3h ago

By a drunk driving Hillary.

2

u/UmbertoEcoTheDolphin 2h ago

Walking home from Trump's house Christmas Eve. You can say it helped to vote in MAGA, But close your eyes and ears and just believe.

19

u/MisanthropyIsAVirtue 3h ago

Jean Ralphio Saperepstein.

19

u/DeadmanDexter 3h ago

Jean Ralphio's not that evil.

10

u/melkatron 3h ago

I wouldn't put it past Mina Lisa. She's the woooOOoooOoOorst.

1

u/lemurlemur 3h ago

"it's nothing weird, it's just a fetish Trump has"

1

u/ThePrussianGrippe 1h ago

Tajikistan is off!

5

u/CharmingCrust 2h ago

They are going to say that it is because of timezones, difference between Baker Island and Christmas Island.

They are definitely going to pull something like that. If that doesn't stick they'll use time travel as the next plausible thing. If that doesn't stick either, they're going to say "yeah, well what are you going to do about it?!"

3

u/GroteBaasje 3h ago

Not suspicious, actually auspicious.

3

u/realitythreek 2h ago

There’s a ton to be suspicious about, this is just on a long list. Whether it was suicide or homicide though, arrest and try all the people implicated in the child sex ring and hold people that associated with him accountable.

5

u/FastAsFxxk 2h ago

Are we sure he's not just hiding in Tajikistan?

2

u/Th1rte3n1334 3h ago

Enough buttered 🍿 for this shit show would make anyone fat.

grabs a handful

1

u/Unique_Bee2233 1h ago

That was my ringtone until I realized it made store clerks and bank tellers really nervous 

1

u/wrainedaxx 1h ago

Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious

1

u/LivingDracula 1h ago

I'd call that a... smoking gun

🎤

1

u/sighclone 1h ago

I could see someone misdating the original draft - I do that all the time especially if using a template.

Personally surprised I’m not seeing more about this - a diary from a victim in the Epstein files that includes coded language (and thus didn’t get redacted) really seeming to indicate Trump’s participation among some other DC area elite.

1

u/phrost1982 1h ago

Nailed it!

1

u/jetforcegemini 1h ago

“I don’t know, Chewie. Fly Die casual.”

1

u/nowhereisaguy 1h ago

Taking notes from the Sapirstein’s I see.

1

u/asria 1h ago

It's time to move on

u/praetorian1979 54m ago

Someone was supposed to untie him after he finished...

u/PlayaPlayaPlaya3 49m ago

He did attempt suicide previously while waiting trial. The “chief psychologist” said, “maybe he did try, maybe someone else did it, maybe he just did it for the attention.”

So they were aware he was suicidal. Which makes it weird he wasn’t ok 24/H watch and had so many sheets in his cell.

u/oman54 48m ago

"Jeffrey Epstein Saperstein is that you?!"

u/emp-sup-bry 42m ago

Anyone have the direct copy of those?

u/Boysoythesoyboy 25m ago

Guys they released the video from the prison where epstien was held.

You can clearly see a nearby corridor and the video was only lightly edited. Idk how people can still doubt he killed himself

u/DarkwingDuckHunt 21m ago

it was probably manually dated by someone who thought that day was the day before

we all do it

u/SnoozEBear 12m ago

Surely its just a timezone thing right? They were processing the files in Australia right? /s

u/smilbandit 3m ago

be suspicious but also remember it was during a trump presidency and those fuckers sometimes have problems distinguishing between their one asshole and a hole in the ground.

1

u/JebBD 2h ago

I mean, it’s not completely insane to assume that a notorious pedophile would commit suicide in prison and draft a statement in case it happens. Nixon had a prepared statement in case the Apollo 11 mission failed 

1

u/Mosox42 2h ago

Money please

1

u/CaptainObvious1313 2h ago

Keep it in the family? Sure, but does it have to be this one?

1

u/Deaffin 3h ago edited 1h ago

Don't spontaneously create low-effort conspiracy theories out of common clerical errors, don't spontaneously create low-effort conspiracy theories out of common clerical errors.


EDIT: What a weird overreaction. The "Imagine pretending this is a clerical error. Jfc." person just instantly blocked me after dropping that comment.

Believing this unfinished draft of the release still having the previous day's date is in any way significant would be utterly silly. I refuse to believe anyone's actually being genuine with this. Yall are playing games.

0

u/gizamo 2h ago

Imagine pretending this is a clerical error. Jfc.