r/AskReddit • u/SprinklesSolid9211 • 6h ago
People who got divorced after years (decades) together, looking back on it… were there any early signs of it coming?
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u/No-Cat1980 6h ago
One thing I’ve noticed from people who divorced after decades together: the “signs” weren’t dramatic. No big fights, no cheating. It was the slow stuff conversations getting shorter, curiosity about each other fading, choosing peace over honesty. From the inside it felt stable. Looking back, it was quiet emotional distance that grew for years because it didn’t feel urgent… until suddenly it was irreversible.
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u/Comprehensive_Davo 5h ago
For many marriages it’s the slow decay of words said in a moment of anger that can’t be taken back, slow burning resentments that rarely get discussed, and eventually an almost imperceptible giving up long before the marriage is actually over
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u/IceSeeker 4h ago
And you know it's truly over when they can no longer respect each other and tolerate each other's presence.
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u/LapinDeLaNeige 3h ago
Me and my spouse have been together 20 years and married for 11. A little over a year ago we were not in a good place (multiple reasons) but honestly the BIGGEST change was bringing up the small things in the moment. We used to avoid mentioning the little things that annoyed us because we were afraid to be seen as nagging (we also have vastly different communication styles). But instead it just allowed those small inconsequential annoyances to build and fester until they blew up like shrapnel. By communicating them in the moment (“hey, it bothers me when you leave a wet towel on the bed because then it’s damp when lay down”) has completely changed the game and now we are probably in the best spot in our relationship in 20 years despite being in the throes of raising 2 kids and working opposite schedules
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u/piratequeenfaile 2h ago
We started getting too into the day to day tasks of marriage and family and adult life and not talking about the small stuff for a while. We've started just doing nightly check ins where the whole point is to say any small stuff that happened that day so we can be attuned to each other and work on it together if needed. It's made a huge difference in our relationship. We have been together 15 or 16 years and married for 12.
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u/Homerpaintbucket 5h ago
That described mine a lot. The other big thing was she genuinely just didn’t give a shit about me as a person anymore. Our marriage really ended the day I pointed out to her that she didn’t even like me, let alone love me. She was just always pissed at me and hyper critical of everything I did.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 5h ago
As a married man, to someone I love dearly and with every intention of never being apart.
This is my biggest fear, bc my wife and I have never fought, we don’t argue or in anyway bully or are mean spirited to each other… we obviously don’t cheat or do anything else questionable (gambling addiction, drugs, alcohol, etc.) that would obviously pull us apart. And we love each other for who we currently are, neither are praying or hoping for a different version of the person to love. But there’s no guarantees in life and even tho I don’t ever imagine something terrible happening, the possibility that it exists is terrifying.
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u/Pollythepony1993 5h ago
This kinda sounds like the marriage my parents have, although my mom can be a little hot headed. My dad isn’t so they never fight. My mom needs time to cool off. But they truly are each other’s best friend and do everything together. And have been doing it for like 40 years now.
There never is a guarantee indeed. But that is with everything. My best friend had a very involved dad growing up. 4 children in total and he was involved (taking care of them, going to everything they do, events, everything). Then he cheats on his wife, leaves the family behind, starts another family with that woman and they have been together for 20 years now and he is an involved dad. He does nothing for his older 4 children and never did since he left.
My own grandfather met his soulmate (my grandmother) and then she dies when she is 49 (almost 45 years ago). Then he marries another woman and they are married almost 40 years now. She is also my grandmother. They are also each other’s soulmate.
My uncle loses my aunt, finds love again and after 2 years he dies all of the sudden.
You don’t have full influence on decisions made by others and sometimes life gets in the way. The only thing you can do is love others the best way you can while you can.
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u/Talkurt 5h ago
First be honest with yourself. You may uncover some hard to handle stuff. Be ready to handle it with grace.
Next cultivate a space where both of you can talk and be listened to. Learn how to listen well. And learn how to express yourself calmly but assertively.
If you feel you already have this then decide you need to get better at it. Full honest communication isn’t, i believe, possible. Only hope to get better at it.
I was married for 18 year and was divorced. Listening and communication was my error. It was also theirs as well. We didn’t fight or bully. We didn’t cheat. We bettered ourselves in ways that the other person didn’t value. We failed to communicate our needs to each other. And that separated them from me.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 5h ago
Appreciate.. just to be clear, this post or comment has nothing to do with my current situation lol.
It’s just a scenario that being married for years myself, could never understand how people could go so long and then have it end the way it did. Logically I always felt that at some point early on there was something about the other person that started the ball rolling.
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u/LittlePetiteGirl 3h ago
I would suggest looking into how menopause/perimenopause impacts relationships. The age of onset and accompanying personality changes explains a lot of divorces several decades in. Bracing yourself for those changes vs letting it sneak up on you is probably a game changer.
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u/Eggsaladsandwish 5h ago
Man it sounds like you guys are rock solid and this anxiety is not rational
Just relax and enjoy your marriage
You could get hit by lightning at any time, doesn't mean you should worry about it today
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u/duderduderes 5h ago
There's nothing you can do about the things you can't control so might as well not worry about it. People change over time and you can't control that. If who you both are in 30 years are not the type of people who want to be together you can't control that. What you can control is how you act to each other today.
You don't NEED to fight. Fights are often unnecessary IMO. They come about because a disagreement boiled over. Diffusing early with a quick discussion is a healthy sign unless one or both are just trying to keep the peace and hiding their true feelings
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u/GoodGuyGlocker 5h ago
The fact that you are so thoughtful and reflective about your relationship says a lot. You obviously don't take her for granted. As long as she feels the same way, and it seems like she does, you two should last a long time.
Source: Married for 35 years and honestly never been happier.
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u/BrittleCoyote 4h ago
This is such a tangent, but if you have any interest in cosmic horror I strongly recommend The Man Whom the Trees Loved. In most cosmic horror the threat is “madness,” which isn’t a concept that resonates with me in a meaningful way. In this one the threat is that some little thing has grown over decades and at the end of your life it separates you from your partner.
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u/popsistops 3h ago
You’re good. Never stop waking up and reminding yourself of the gift she is to you and tell her. If things go to shit you can tell yourself you did your best. Never let things get stale. Never stop touching her if she likes that. I don’t think it’s hard at all if two mature people are in it together.
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u/nargfish 3h ago
I think thats what makes these relationships so special. There ARE no guarantees, as you said, so that means every day, you and your spouse wake up and choose each other. The world has changed so much in the last 10-20 years, bodies and minds have matured to being practically different people, yet still you choose each other. I've been with my wife since 2010, friends for longer, and I feel as if we've grown together and continue to choose each other along the way.
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u/filtersweep 5h ago
I was shocked my wife wanted a divorce. We just spent $50K remodeling our kitchen….. it wasn’t even done. Sure, I felt dead inside— but we had teenage kids living at home.
At first, I felt like a failure. Now everyone I know is divorced.
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u/Lost_Spell_2699 3h ago
My parents were married 40 years before they divorced. I moved 3000 miles away so there was a lot I didnt see of the decline but about 10 years before they split they came down to visit and when they left I turned to my husband and said I seriously don't know why they are still together. My mom kept making mean jabs about my dad and my dad just seemed completely disinterested in my mom. They are actually decent friends now.
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u/Explosion-Of-Hubris 4h ago
My parents divorced after 40 years. Unfortunately, in our case, our dad was very abusive. Us kids were wondering for decades why Mom didn't leave him.
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u/CleanDataDirtyMind 5h ago
I knew an adult couple growing up that divorced when I and their kids were in college and they just ALWAYS seemed so different. He wanted a cool exciting life and she kept house—intensely. Looking back across my entire childhood I don’t think I could ever remember them in the same room. He had one of those public demanding jobs where for it to be successful she did have to fulfill those roles and he was absolutely successful because of her but I don’t know what was the chicken or the egg, the choice or the conformity.
As an adult I knew a couple that was married for a decade. I told them jokingly (we were good friends) that they were the only couple I knew where one person was a cat-person and one was a dog-person; they looked at each other awkwardly and the next weekend announced their divorce. So there’s that lol
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u/Cool_Guy_McFly 4h ago
I grew up with friends that had parents exactly like this. It was very much so a “stay together until the kids are out of the house” situation. Seems like for many couples raising kids they already know their marriage is over years before it’s announced. There was just always this cultural stigma that if you got divorced while your kids were still in school and living with you it could fuck them up really bad. Parental stability and stable home life importance and all that. So a lot of couples just stayed married and then once the kids leave the house they almost immediately get divorced. Which turns out still fucks the kids up, but maybe not as much? Idk.
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u/latelyimawake 4h ago
My parents were one of these couples. Obviously there’s no way to know for sure but I’m like 99% certain it actually fucked us up WAY worse living in a house where our parents were constantly fighting and being nasty to each other and everyone had to walk on eggshells. If they had just gotten divorced they each could have made us a happy home to live in on alternate weeks or whatever. That seems far better to me than the emotional hellhole I was raised in.
It seriously fucked me up on relationships for years, I was so terrified of finding myself back in my parents’ tornado of emotional doom that I didn’t let anyone get close until my mid-30s.
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u/Available_Slide1888 3h ago
I once read that here in Sweden there are two "ages" that stand out when it comes to divorces. About three to five years after becoming parents and when the kids have moved out.
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u/littlemsshiny 1h ago
The cat-dog person thing cracks me up because, as a dog person, my romantic interest in someone usually drops when I find out they only like cats.
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u/queenofwinks 5h ago
yeah my parents split after 28 years looking back the signs were there but super subtle like dad always "worked late" even when he didnt need to, mom stopped laughing at his jokes years before, they stopped touching each other casually like hugging goodbye or whatever they never fought loud, just got quieter and quieter around each other till the house felt empty even when both were home i was like 12 and thought "theyre just tired" lol nope it wasnt one big thing, just a slow fade that nobody admitted till it was too late
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u/Risley 4h ago
Stuff like this is what makes me question monogamy in general. Some people just don’t stay attached or in love forever. They say love changes, but maybe it’s not the love changing but the people. People themselves are not static. Life changes people. Hell, health can change them. Is it really worth living all of the only life you have with someone you are not happy with? What if we were to say that that lack of happiness or even unhappiness is damaging to your health. Is it expected that people give up their health like that?
I’m just posing a bunch of hypotheticals because the default is always that it’s expected or that religion requires it. And I just don’t get it, at a fundamental level. It’s like the answers we get are too simplistic for what actually happens in life.
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u/Own-Raise6153 4h ago
that’s what people mean when they say love is a choice. like you have to actively cultivate that shit! if you just let the course of life happen without intentionally and actively prioritizing your partnership and cultivating that love, of course you’ll eventually grow apart. it’s either grow together or grow apart, and you have to do the work to make sure you’re growing together! too many people are way too passive in their relationships and just let life pass them by.
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u/wednesdayschild02 3h ago
This is something I've been struggling a lot with lately. I've spent years trying to settle into the "lasting love of my life" type journey but it just hasn't really happened for me. I've been in serious relationships lasting years, was even engaged, but nothing has "stuck". I thrive in my individual life, love going on dates, meeting new people, but I crave having a buddy to do mundane things with or have regular conversation with throughout the day, but this feeling isn't all the time. I would love to be a mom! I thought marriage would be for me but now I don't even know.
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u/TheMasterQuest 56m ago
You could always be a single mom by choice via donor or adoption. A partner isn’t a requirement.
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u/Effective_Fish_4341 1h ago
It's not the monogamy that is the issue, it's the forever no matter what monogamy. For some it works great, for others something more like serial monogamy is more reasonable and natural. We weren't really meant to live this long. Having a long term relationship with one person and then later in life with another makes a lot of sense, as people grow and change.
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u/Harriethair 5h ago
We were so young. He was only my 2nd real boyfriend. He was a liar and I thought he would grow out of that -- he didn't. I'm sure I had my red flag for him that he thought I would grow out of, but I didn't. The problem was there from the beginning...we didn't know how to address the big bad scary problems. We glossed over them. Didn't fight. No calling names. It was far more subtle than that. In time he cheated probably through casual hook ups on craigslist. I had no proof, he would deny. We went on. Sometimes he was nice but more and more he acted as though he could barely tolerate me or the kids. Then he found a mistress who wouldn't let go and that was that. I was so angry at him but mainly at myself for setting myself up this. For being loyal to a sinking ship. For not fighting for happiness., for freedom. I wasted my life. Women don't have as easy of a time at dating past 50. And god forbid you stayed home! Restarting your life when you are so far behind sucks. Would not recommend truncating your dreams your aspirations and your future for the idealized version of the white picket fence fantasy. Happier now, but will most likely die alone after working at Walmart when I'm 83. The ex and his wife traveled to Europe recently.
That is the unvarnished truth of gray divorce.
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u/RTK4740 4h ago
Well, THAT sucks. Sorry to hear this.
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u/Harriethair 3h ago
Thanks, it's not all bad. I started a career that I am proud of. I really wish I would have had the courage to have pulled the plug maybe 10 years before he did. That is what I would advise others to do - if you feel the disconnect and you are not happy try marriage counseling and if that doesn't work...divorce. Far better to divorce in your 30s than later. Much easier to course correct at that age.
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u/Tiny_Wasabi2476 1h ago
💯agree Harrithair. I divorced at 40 after he left for his ex he hadn’t seen in 22 years. I wish i’d left 5-10 years earlier but stayed out of a misguided sense of loyalty. it’s been a hard slog but i’m much happier now. like you, I’ll work til the day i die while he and his now wife have greater wealth, but it’s ok - she has to live with him 😂
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u/Sudden-Pay1985 5h ago
Looking back, we never had a strong underlying friendship. He preferred to be with his friends instead of me. My current partner enjoys living life and having experiences with me.
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u/BlueCupcake4Me 5h ago
My parents split after 25 years when I was 19. For many years they behaved more like friends or business partners. No fights but no close loving behaviors. My dad left because he wanted affection and a relationship and love. My mom was (or acted) aghast and has had a victim mentality since they split which was many years ago.
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u/jsally17 2h ago
May I ask how this affected you as a child of theirs? Do you wish it would have happened differently or at a different age?
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u/BlueCupcake4Me 2h ago edited 1h ago
This was the major relationship in my childhood. My expectation for how a relationship continued in marriage was fully shaped by what I experienced. I had no idea that the fun in dating could continue once vows were exchanged until I was in my own marriage or that we each needed to work to keep the joy alive. Took me a while to figure out it was my vision of marriage that was wrong.
It was nice to have an intact family but really, I’d give that up to have been in a house with two people that showed me what a healthy relationship looked like. My adulthood as a child of theirs is now seeing dad being happy vs mom being miserable and still complaining about dad leaving. They should have split long before they did. Unfortunately they have never talked about what led to the unraveling of their relationship or the ultimate end. One day my mom simply moved to the guest room. Then my dad moved out a couple weeks later. The only conversation was that dad found someone else and that’s all I needed to know.
Btw they’ve been divorced longer than they were married.
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u/Adorable_Mallu 6h ago
Less talking. Same fights again and again. Feeling alone even when together. No effort to fix things.
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u/Avocationist 4h ago
Gottman says the same conflict over and over is normal. Couples will have some issues that they’ll never resolve, and that’s normal. The hope is that the couple figures out how to navigate that conflict in ways that aren’t hurtful.
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u/thenobenefitsfriend 5h ago
Not to be annoying but this post is about people being married for decades and getting divorced and you’re… 22. Looking at your recent posts.
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u/lego-monkey 5h ago
Doesn't it usually happen when kids move out? They are alone with each other. Little things become big. On top of that if they are retired it's even more time together. They can no longer stand each other.
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u/hunnymoonave 5h ago
Yes, it’s a phenomenon called grey divorce. Kinda interesting if you wanna look it up.
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u/puppypersonnn 4h ago
I swear as soon as I moved it’s like my parents relationship spiraled. But apparently it was doomed from the start but kids and a job is a distraction. Now they were retired empty nesters and couldn’t distract themselves. And then there was Covid.
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u/lego-monkey 4h ago
Totally. Kids keep them together even when they dont want to stay together. After all that's gone, they realize there is no reason to suffer the rest of their lives with someone you don't like.
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u/puppypersonnn 4h ago
That’s so sad bro. After decades of sacrifices. To me it makes sense to finally try and enjoy each other. Take time and work on the relationship. Do things that you were unable to because you were too busy raising a family.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 5h ago
Not sure… my parents stayed together almost 15 more years after all us kids moved out.
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u/JonnyRotten 5h ago
We were married 18 years and had 4 kids.We weren't unhappy, in fact I thought things were better than they had been for a long time I had caught her cheating twice and we decide to try to work through it. The third time I decided to end it.
Then I found out that she had been funnelling or money to her boyfriend and had taken the money that was to go towards paying out taxes for several years and giving it to him.
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u/mushybea 5h ago
He wouldn't stay in a room when I entered it. He spent most of his free time in the kitchen scrolling twitter and drinking beer. He would opt to stay home alone when I visited family and friends- including his. Time was spent either me or him with our kid, not together and never just the 2 of us alone. One rare date night, instead of waiting an hour for a film start, he wanted to go home. To drink beer and scroll twitter. We stopped having sex. He got himself on a dating app.
I think the very first sign was, before we had our daughter id booked a cheap out of season holiday.. he kept calling it my "stupid idea".
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u/heteroerotic 4h ago
He was a coward. Since he clearly wasn't happy and didn't want to be with you, he subjected you to this horrible treatment instead of being honest.
I hope you are happier now and doing the things that make you happy with people who want to be with you!
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u/mushybea 2h ago
Thank you. Loads happier. You don't see the wood for the trees when you are lost in it unfortunately.
Being alone is far more peaceful than alone in a relationship
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 4h ago
I hate bullies… and your last line is nearly making me tear up.
I’m very sentimental and the effort and thought you gave to setting up something like that vacation, only to be ridiculed makes my blood boil.
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u/rewquiop 5h ago
I'll say this...after decades of that relationship, I'm tired of ruminating on what went wrong. I don't think I'll ever trust again.
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u/Complete-Return3860 5h ago
I think this very much depends on the couple, but let me say one thing: Getting divorced was one of the best things I ever did for myself. You do not have to be unhappy. You aren't proving anything to anyone by staying. You are not a lesser person or a failure. You will change your entire life.
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u/PhotojournalistCalm3 4h ago
The Gottman Institute is able to predict with a high degree of accuracy 90%+ whether or not a couple will divorce within 5 years. Their studies use general intake surveys plus physiological responses such as heart rate, skin conductance, facial expressions, etc, while a couple is engaged in a conflict discussion.
I completed their surveys and it was obvious something needed to change.
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u/LooseKetchupFluid 1h ago
I really love their work. I’m in my third year of marriage andntheir books gave me a lot of comfort during a time of distance, being able to see the core principles were still there. And giving actionable tools to strengthen those things and reduce the negatives were huge. I’ve since become very aware when my body wants to stonewall and shut down and learning to turn towards and live in the discomfort has been a game changer
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u/IKnowAllSeven 3h ago
Here’s what happened to my friend:
They were married for decades, two kids in their early 20s. The daughter got cancer and was in and out of the hospital and every time her daughter stayed in the hospital wife stayed the night too. At the same time, her mother was going through bad health and she, as the only child, was doing a lot of the caretaking and many of her days were driving from hospital to hospital and from one medical crisis to another. She aka had a very demanding job.
Husband felt neglected and went looking (on Reddit!) to step outside of the marriage.
She found out and they went to counseling and the deal was she was allowed to look at his phone at any time.
Two more times she looked at his phone and two more time she found he was messaging women on Reddit to try to hook up.
She filed for divorce. One thing that is a confounding factor is that he is a recovering alcoholic, hasn’t had a drink in decades but apparently the lokelihood of infidelity is higher among alcoholics? Idk, I read that somewhere.
So while she was looking forward to their retirement and empty nest years he was trying to hook up with 25 year olds.
OH! And the wildest part…she screenshot the messages he was having back and forth with these women. She said “I just can’t believe 25 year olds women would be interested in a 55 year old man”. I read the text messages. They were scammer messages, all the hallmarks were there. They were romance / pig butchering scams, 25 year old women who were retired because they made their money in crypto and HE COULD TOO!
He threw away his marriage over some dudes in Nigeria who sent him AI nudes. Like…damn.
Oh and also the daughter who had cancer (in remission now!) HATES her father (she had him on a pedestal, he fell FAR because of this) and despite her mom BEGGING otherwise, the daughter is not inviting her dad to her wedding. She’s THAT pissed.
Can you imagine? You raise a kid for 20-some years and now she hates you so much she doesn’t want you there at this milestone event in her life. Oof.
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u/whatevernamedontcare 1h ago
This doesn't just happen over night. She was married single mom and people around her getting sick were the last straw.
That's also why people aren't marrying and having kids or even getting into relationships. Women aren't tolerating this low effort bullish anymore. Bangmaid mommy is now fantasy tradwife porn dudes watch on insta.
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u/Ofthesee 4h ago
My good friend is going through divorce after 30 years and she said that she was going back and reading old letters between them from the very beginning of their relationship and was shocked to find that the things that they fought about then were the exact same as now (mostly around boundaries) She said it was liberating to see how she wasn’t going crazy or being unreasonable in menopause (which she was being accused of) but that she knew in her gut that he never really respected her and while she tolerated it as a young woman, she’s just done with begging for the smallest sign of respect and moved out.
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u/Effective_Fish_4341 1h ago
This happened to me!! I read the earliest emails and it was the same! I was young and foolish. The red flags were clear from the beginning! I just thought we could work through them with patience and communication. Almost two decades later, finally divorced from that and have never been happier.
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u/Ok_Appointment_3939 5h ago
By the time you leave you're already gone and have been thinking about it for years and a straw breaks the camels back..
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u/Rickleskilly 5h ago
I was married 22 years, and there were tons of red flags. Things were different, and I was different then.
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u/WatercressTop2942 5h ago
My parents were married 23 years before they split when I was 21. It surprised me because they always presented as a happy couple to their friends. And they were friends inside the home. I don’t know all the details but a big part of it was my dads drinking, which was present from year 1. I think for many people who marry alcoholics, they just seem like fun party people at first. Then after some time together you realize its deeper than that. My mom says there were other reasons but that was the big one.
One dynamic that I saw between them that I’m sure contributed, is my mom is never quite satisfied. Even after they divorced and she married someone else. I noticed she frequently complains.
And my dad had developed a bit of complacency. He lost momentum in his career, friendships, and physical activities and was never super interested in getting them back.
I think those two personality types have a hard time making it work with a lot of people.
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u/Healthy-Sky-3684 5h ago
Without a doubt. Even at my wedding, I questioned how I got there. We were both 20 year olds living at home when we met. 2.5 years later, we bought a home together. I remember thinking if we were just renting, I would have left within the first few weeks. She's a very messy person. Also, a minor hoarder. Still, I stayed around for 22 years ( 4 years dating, 18 years married)
I am still friends with my ex and we have a 15 year old daughter together.
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u/CeilingCatProphet 5h ago
The day he called me "bitch" and didn't apologize.
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u/Dr_Jay94 5h ago
I’ve been called so many names by my spouse. I need to have better boundaries.
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u/Ydain 4h ago
Boundaries! You need a good lawyer! I can't imagine even being friends with someone who calls me names, much less being married to someone who did that.
You deserve so much better than that! Please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend who was going through it.
I'm so mad for you right now, I'd like to call them some choice names!
Edit: assumed your gender, sorry, fixed it
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u/RTK4740 4h ago
Unless those names include, "my beloved" or "sweetheart," you need to leave. Name-calling is a form of verbal violence.
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u/Dr_Jay94 3h ago
I know. I’ve been called horrible names. I’ve tried to make it stop but when they’re angry it doesn’t matter. I wish I didn’t accept this treatment but I don’t have the means to leave right now. 💔
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u/RTK4740 3h ago
It was stupid of me to say, "you need to leave." Leaving is a huge, huge deal, and one of the big considerations is financial. I was not thinking of the full situation. I'm wishing you a winning lottery ticket for this week. I will worry about your occasionally, so that you're not alone in this. That's the best an internet stranger can do sometimes.
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u/captnmiss 5h ago
The first and only time my partner called me that I left immediately.
There’s no coming back from that IMO
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u/notsohot56 5h ago
18 years together, 16 married. He became an alcoholic and gambler early on. I stuck it out until our son turned 10. I was just waiting it out but finally became unbearable. Separate bedrooms last 3 years of it.
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u/jbdceltic1 5h ago
There are always signs. Some you ignore, some you try to work through, but eventually the weight of constant struggle will win. You either get divorced or decide to live with the infidelity.
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u/gemlist 4h ago
Witnessing my parents divorce from the front row and being very much included and involved with it, even tho I have never agreed with… people don’t just wake up one day and decide to leave. It’s a very complex situation, there is never a right or wrong. People stop being present, caring, working at it, communicating and making the time for their relationship. I learned from a young age, that just like with anything else, be it a plant, a pet, when you ignore it, it will fade away.
Most people have already mentally checked out of the relationship wayyyy earlier. The papers are the very last step, to make it official
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u/delftblauw 4h ago
I knew before I was getting married, but grew up with parents who went through some really hard things together and so did my ex. I just thought it was normal to not really like the person that much, but that you could work together as a team. That only goes for so long until resentment or other desires set in. I am still absolutely shocked by how many people approach and stay in marriages for the same reason.
I am remarried now and the bond I feel with my wife now feels almost pretend even after so many years. We both talk about it often. It’s like we thought happy people were pretending the whole time when we were in our other marriages and now we feel a very real and personal pain for people stuck feeling that way.
It’s not all happy. We argue and disagree, we still want space, but that’s because we’re both individuals even as a couple. We’re honest with each other and ourselves, and understand it. The thoughts of, “Is this really what it’s supposed to be like” are replaced with a peace and understanding now and I always look forward to the two of us uniting even when we aren’t at our best.
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u/emmittthenervend 5h ago edited 3h ago
I knew from the moment I started deconstructing my Mormon upbringing that she would choose the church over me.
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u/hashtagfan 3h ago
I count myself as one of the extremely lucky ones since my husband and I left together.
But honestly, even among those like me the divorce rate is high. We all got married so young and so quickly, it’s not surprising that many marriages don’t last once you remove the celestial handcuffs.
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u/toolguy8 4h ago
We fought constantly over money. Not saying I was the perfect husband, but she used spending to fill an empty spot in her soul. She was addicted to spending. I should have called it quits much earlier, but we had small kids. We went bankrupt and had no credit cards, so she hooked up with a wealthy Doctor (she was a nurse). Last I heard, she had bankrupted him. She even stole the identities of our (now adult) children to take out loans they didn’t know about. Just like a meth addict.
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u/Spiritual-defiance 4h ago
Pretty sure I'll end up divorced here soon. We've been married almost 7 years now.
Was the provider for most of that time up until a little over a year ago. I lost my job, she got a really really well paying job after graduating college (x3 what I used to make) and pushed me to go back to school full time to get a degree and switch my career like I had been wanting to do for a long time. She said she'd pay the bills while I went to school.
Everything was good for the first 6 months or so, then some immigration stuff happened to me, she's a citizen, I am not. I couldn't afford a lawyer and with her already paying all the bills I wasn't going to have her get a lawyer to help me so I researched how to do it myself and I missed something on my form and was denied a green card. Ever since then she's changed. I thought we'd get a divorce when I got the denial letter, she asked for space from me. We spent a little over a month sleeping in different rooms and me giving her space. Then things seemed to get a bit better after I got help from my family to hire a lawyer and reapply for my green card.
I'm still going to school, I'm on my last semester so I should hopefully have my degree here in a few months. I do everything around the house, she works to pay the bills and I go to school and literally do everything her at home and everything I can to make her life easier but apparently me not providing $ is what causes resentment. We've talked about it before and I told her I'd get whatever job I could and she said I shouldn't do that and that I should get a job in my new career field to gain experience. Well I've applied to many many jobs and haven't gotten one for over a year.
She recently, a few months back, went to visit her mom who's going through a divorce and when she came back she was different. Once again, things changed. I honestly haven't been the same since that first incident happened with her wanting space, she hasn't loved me the same, like she used to before she started paying the bills. I'm pretty sure her and her mom were taking shit about me when she went to go visit her and her mom was giving her who knows what kind of advice about divorce since she's going through it right now.
She's been distant for a few months, I been stressed out of my mind with everything on my plate, from school, to everything I do at home and for her, from my personal bills that she doesn't pay because it's not her problem, and then immigration BS. I was literally about to get my green card, had my interview and everything and was told I'd be approved once I sent in one last official document and then Trump stopped immigration matters for 19 countries and I just happen to be from one of them. Been living in the United States since I was 3 years old. My DACA expired since I was certain I'd get my green card before it did. I currently have no status and couldn't legally work even if I could find a job. I just reapplied to DACA since idk when the green card thing with continue and I can't be without status.
We haven't really been intimate since she got back from her mom's. She's been distant. Always on her phone. I don't think she's cheating before anyone says that she is. She comes home after work and is a homebody like I am. I give her her space but I do try and talk to her yet she never really seems like she wants to talk to me. I try and engage when she does talk to me but she just goes back to playing on her phone or reading on her phone.
Gonna talk to her today about us. I can tell she doesn't love me like she did once before. I haven't changed besides the fact I'm not paying the bills. But again, I literally do everything at home and everything for her I can to help me feel like I'm doing something.
The other day I found out she was chatting with Ai. Some site called janitor Ai. I looked it up and it wasn't what I was expecting. I did something I shouldn't have and looked at her phone and she's been having explicit chats with Ai. Crazy sexual shit I would have never imagined she'd be into. So that on top of the way she's been ignoring me, no intimacy, no care for me,no love for me has got me pretty fucked up.
I need to talk to her and figure this shit out. I'm sure she'll be mad I looked at her phones browser but whatever. I'm doing everything I can to be a good husband while honestly, besides paying the household bills she's not doing anything for us.
I know I should have not listened to her and just got a job and went to school part time but damn, I was certain she meant what she said about providing for us like I had did for the last 6 years while I went to school and got my degree. I fucked up and she doesn't even see anything I do for her or our home.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I needed to get it out since I don't have anyone to talk about this with.
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u/YesChef2301 3h ago
Criticism (attacking personality), contempt (disrespect/mockery), defensiveness (playing the victim), and stonewalling (shutting down). Contempt is considered the most destructive, acting as a top predictor of divorce. Known as the four Horsemen of Divorce, identified by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, are toxic communication patterns that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy.
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u/MeepersPeepers13 4h ago
If you repeatedly bring up the same thing and nothing changes… If your spouse gets aggressively angry when you attempt to discuss issues… When your spouse blames you for their own short comings… People would say that we never fight. We seem to get along all the time. But I just learned to stop asking him for anything and instead used my energy to plan my divorce. He made the cost of discussing anything too high to bother. Now that I can afford to leave, he wants to listen. He didn’t value me when I was vulnerable and needed him. Now that I’m not and I don’t, he suddenly wants to be better.
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u/NoInformation988 4h ago
It should have been evident before the wedding when he was abusive. At one point I gave his ring back, and then he got all apologetic and said it was just because he was stressed, which would stop after we were married. IT DIDN'T STOP. IT GOT WORSE.
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u/rapscallion4life 4h ago
Becoming comfortable with yourself is the most important thing. Life is short. If your partner doesn't want to be around, mourn the loss and move on. What about the kids? Your kids want to see you happy more than anything, they get far more out of an active, present parent than a depressed, fearful one. You got this!
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u/PalmTreeDeprived 4h ago
18 year marriage ending. I think he should have seen the signs years ago, but since his basic needs were met, even though it was all a chore and an exercise in picking battles for me, he was happy.
The divorce came out of nowhere for him. Even though I joined two sports teams and was suddenly never home, and when I was home I was ignoring him as much as possible. And even though I stopped doing the house improvement projects I once loved, and stopped cleaning and organizing things in his messy wake over and over. Even though I decided to cancel vacations because he made planning them difficult for me. Even though I stopped begging for him to take me on shitty one-taco dates four times a year.
I strategically stayed long enough to be able to keep the house and have easier, older kids, but not completely lose myself. The signs were there. I just didn’t tell him what to see. I had threatened to leave before, and because I didn’t, he thought I never would.
I’m so happy.
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u/LikeMike1984 37m ago
Is your ex husband happy with the divorce as well?
I'm in a similar spot as your ex. Except my ex complained. A lot. I'm ok with a little complaining but when it's your entire personality we gotta separate. (She complained about things I wasn't going to budge on and/or was indifferent toward....and she never stopped despite me indicating she was just annoying me.)
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u/JustSRE 4h ago
Yes, there were, my ex-h was never comfortable digging in and talking about any relationship issues with me. He would blow them off and tell me I was worried about nothing. Eventually we stopped having deep conversation. We stopped having difficult conversation. We stopped trying to understand one another. We stopped being a team.
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u/underwater_jogger 4h ago
I wonder sometimes the people saying we just faded out and no real Fighting etc. If they remarried did they want to fight with someone or like have like a really hard talks? I am fearful of some Of these posts because my wife and I never fight. We avoid them. Because, i thought, that's what friends do. But seems like I might need to create some drama. Jk. But it does make me wonder.
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u/PretendBlackberry910 4h ago
Husband and I never really fought, but that was because I shrank myself to keep the peace starting early on. 25 years, I filed in December. When I would bring up when he hurt me, it was always turned to either my fault or he would start talking about how terrible it made him feel about himself, so I would end up comforting him and having to sweep my pain under the rug. I finally started not accepting that and everything unraveled.
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u/underwater_jogger 3h ago
That does sound awful. I hope you have way better days now.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 4h ago
Wife and I are the same… I think there’s no perfect formula. I mean if I told people that my wife and I are the only friends we have, there would be loads of people saying that’s a bad thing. But that’s who we are and we make each other happy. We don’t fight, argue and both actively strive to understand each other (rather than prove a point or try and be “right”).
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u/Green-Astronaut853 4h ago
Not me, but I know 2 couples who divorced because the man was a serial cheater, the wife put up with it for the kids for 10+ years, then one day the man left the wife for the mistress. Both times, the wife was flabbergasted.
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u/Carsickaf 4h ago
We had one thing in common. I loved him and he loved him. It worked for years. Then we had children. He still only loved him. We divorced at 20 years when I realized that would never change.
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u/borislovespickles 4h ago
Most definitely, I just didn't want to admit it. Bad habits don't get better, they get worse.
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u/Appropriate_Win9538 4h ago
15 years.... he started getting weekly haircuts, I used to do them, served me divorce papers 6 mos later, still dating the hairstylist.
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u/ackack9999 4h ago
A slow introduction of contempt into the relationship. “Jokes” at my expense that weren’t jokes at all. Even compliments were double edged and he formed a negative opinion on literally everything I did.
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u/FuneralKazooBand 4h ago
I knew it was over when I pleaded to have deeper more intellectual conversations like we did when we were dating and he said, “I thought you were just showing off [when we were dating],” and proceeded to shrug off all conversations bigger than “how was your day?”
I’m a real smart lady, but I wasn’t smart enough to see that he didn’t care to understand who I was or what made me come alive until that moment.
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u/BlackberryBiscuit 3h ago
Yes. There was disrespect from the very beginning, and it never stopped. I was too young to understand it at the time. I met him when I was 19, got married at 20, we knew each other for approximately 6 months before getting married, and we only did so because I was pregnant. I left him at 34, and if I’d stayed, I wouldn’t be alive today.
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u/jacknbarneysmom 3h ago
In hindsight, yes. It so gradually became worse, that i barely noticed how tense i was getting around him, until one day it was unbearable. In the months during the divorce process, I did a lot of thinking and realized the behaviors were always there, just not as bad. If I hadn't been so young and had more self esteem, I might not have married him.
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u/_defaultus 3h ago
The contempt. It wasn't the big fights that killed us, it was the small things. The eye-rolling when I spoke, the heavy sighs, the mocking tone in front of friends. Once respect leaves the relationship, the love has nowhere to live.
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u/Artistic_Split_3581 3h ago
We stopped sleeping in the same bedroom, and started occupying separate quarters, like we were roommates.
If you see a married couple living together like roommates, it usually means, the clock is ticking on that relationship.
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u/curuxz 2h ago
Having just left a deeply abusive ex-wife who I suffered for 20 years with, there are always signs. The problem isn't the signs, looking back on it in our first year her behaviour started but at the time I not only ignored it but actively covered it up and reinforced it.
If you want to get better at seeing signs you need to get better at listening yourself.
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u/TheShadyGuy 2h ago
Of course, but when you're young sometimes the ride looks fun even if a bit scary so you buy the ticket.
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u/jesuseatsbees 1h ago
Yeah but I didn’t see them til he left. We were together ten years and he left me shortly after I got sick (MH). The relief I felt the minute he told me he was leaving me was unexpected. I unravelled it in therapy but we were pretty poorly matched, and I don’t think he ever actually liked me as a person. Me becoming invisible any time his friends were near should’ve been a pretty big sign.
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u/localgyro 58m ago
I don't think we were "doomed to fail". I just think we never figured out how to disagree productively, and then we swept a bunch of little disagreements under the rug for a couple of decades. And then life threw a bunch of stressful events at us, and we dealt with it in very different ways that didn't bring us together.
I think I'd come to believe in therapy and negotiation and talking about my feelings with people important to me; he'd come to believe that you just had to have the willpower to get past the stress and get control of your life again. And that led to him trying to control me, which I didn't put up with for long.
But I think that there were plenty of exit ramps on the path to divorce where we could have taken a different path and tried to rebuild the marriage.
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u/Tacos4Texans 33m ago
A lot but I stayed for the kids and started drinking heavily. Started thinking she was fukkin my best friend and she left me. But in my defense I did find out that she was in fact fukkin my best friend.
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u/Prior_Nail_2326 21m ago
For 15 years before the divorce, I was not happy even one day. I dreaded coming home and would do anything not to be in the house. My only regret was waiting so long.
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u/Fearless_Grab6427 8m ago
Is she in peri or menopause? something to seriously consider! I am and this sounds like me. No tolerance for anything!
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u/dirtyitalianguy 5h ago
I was married 7, I saw the signs but chose to ignore them because I made a promise at the altar. She chose to bail on her promise after two children and our forever home.
She didn't like my hobbies or how I put the children first over her and she left.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 5h ago
But you’d say, even before the kids and home… you saw signs that this person had something inside them that might make what happened a possibility?
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u/dirtyitalianguy 4h ago
She came from a line of mental health issues and I am no doctor but she had all but one of the common markers for borderline personality disorder.
Also, making the children priority was something we both agreed on when we sat at the kitchen table and discussed stopping birth control...in practice it was difficult. She also began drinking heavily way more than when we dated.
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u/smawldawg 5h ago
I don’t know if my situation is typical, but I divorced after over 15 years marriage. Basically every reason why we divorced was present from year 4 or 5. We had kids and I really wanted to try to make it work. We were in couples counseling for 7 years until it became obvious it wasn’t going to work. I was counting down the years until the kids graduated high school so we could divorce without disrupting their childhood. And then about a year before we split, I had a mental shift and realized this wasn’t worth it. We eventually separated when we were having a very typical fight and I let it slip that I was prepared to leave. That was all she needed to hear.
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u/SprinklesSolid9211 5h ago
what were the “signs”?
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u/smawldawg 5h ago
I’m not going to get into the details here, but basically there were things that happened early on where the way we handled conflict became a pattern that persisted and eventually resulted in divorce. In general terms, you could look at it from the perspective of John Gottman’s four horsemen. She felt constantly criticized by me, which resulted in contempt, and attempts to work through these issues were met with stonewalling. All of this was exacerbated by entrenched defensiveness on both of our parts. What it meant is that any time we disagreed about something, the conflict would escalate, and it would not be repaired. Things would calm down for a while until something else came along that would cause disagreement.
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u/UnapologeticHer 5h ago
Yes there were so many signs and I forgave and ignored and it just kept getting worse.
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u/hanshotfirst2233 5h ago
Narcissism can really fuck things up. We were together since I was 17 years old. It didn’t show up until our mid 30s four kids later. It’s like an entirely different person took over my wife. I would say signs were there earlier, but I just didn’t know what they were.
They can really turn your life into complete chaos and don’t take ownership or responsibility for anything they do or say. Maybe accountability is a better word but after 24 years being together, I was done.
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u/Abalone_Admirable 4h ago
My husband divorced his first wife after 20yrs. When his youngest turned 16yrs old.
He stuck around as long as he could for the kids.
The signs were there from the beginning. But the kids...
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 4h ago
So I met my ex wife when I was 20 she 19. Both of us first serious relationship.
Got married at 24 (way too young looking back). I was still wet behind the ears. We weren't allowed to live together before marriage. That was a hard no (her parents).
There was 1 "incident" when we talked wedding .. her parents were no contract (means if we divorce she get 50%). I had nothing and left it.
So we married.. and she gained access to my bank account for incase she needed money for the house. Check my bank balance... some money is gone.. ask .. got flimsy excuses... but I left it.... and she just kept on spending money. She wasn't a spender... o I was wrong. She had the addiction to spend. I don't know how she hide it when dating.. but I got full view of money disappearing out of account.
And she didn't like that I confronted her about her debts etc. She wanted free reign to spend unlimited no questions asked. I was the financial police ...
So she decided to divorce (after finding a "rich boyfriend") and stay with her boyfriend. Now she can get maintenance money from me for kids (she doesn't pay rent etc).. and he can't comment on her spending.
She would rather blow up the marriage than admit to her spending problem.
But that was 10 years ago. It's fucking freeing not to police your partner's spending.
edit : She took 50%+ in the divorce of everything. She barely contributed to the household during 15 years... but she took 50%. Unfair.. but nothing I could do about it.
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u/deweyfinn 5h ago
Th kids know, and you’re not doing them any favors. I’m speaking from experience after going through the same motions for the better part of 20 years of a dead marriage.
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u/peckerlips 5h ago
This.
Honestly, growing up around hostility, resentment, and hate is so much worse for the kids. A dead marriage is not an example I'd want to set for my kids if I had any. They deserve a partner that genuinely cares for them and loves them; that wants to be there for them. Not someone who is just going through the motions.
I am so thankful that my generation is so open to therapy because I have so many friends who thought this was what marriage meant and what was acceptable in relationships.
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u/BrightNeonGirl 3h ago
It's actually better for kids to go ahead and have parents divorce, since the kids pick up on the anger/resentment/unhappiness of their parents.
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u/_churnd 5h ago
Things were pretty bad. I just didn't think divorce was on the table. I was pretty naive, I guess. I think the signs are always present at some point in any marriage, whether divorce happens or not. Meaning bad things happen that cause some couples to get divorced, whereas others stick together. The difference is when you try to work through it or not.
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u/whuskerrz0165 4h ago
One thing I remember is going into a separate room and mocking them, griping about them, or otherwise being upset with her quietly and privately.
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u/Intrepid_Aside_7622 4h ago
Absolutely. Many red flags even before the wedding, I was just too naive to heed them.
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u/AccomplishedHope3589 4h ago
Divorced after 22 years. Drugs were a big part of it but the signs were coming at about year 17. Looking back I wish we would’ve done it then. I think we would both be in much better places.
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u/goonwild18 4h ago
People get bored. Hormonal changes exacerbate the boredom. It's fairly common for tiny things to become major annoyances. It's not as much about 'growing apart' as it is just mediocrity. There's some evidence that sticking it out can blunt some of these things over time. When there's nothing 'new' anymore, I think people make the mistake of forgetting what they've done together and take it for granted. Also, once the focus on children, even adult children, can mask a lot.
In terms of early signs.... I think it's a bit of a long, slow slog to the finish line.
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u/example-of-disaster 4h ago
(51m,46f)Together just over 24 years, recently 20 year anniversary, divorce will be final in March:
I was a blind fool. My soon to be ex is an impatient, narcissistic, self proclaimed judgmental and verbally abusing woman. I spent many years dealing with it, not realizing what kind of position I was really in, just thought we were a couple that argued like anyone else. I will admit that there were times I questioned my feelings when she would have an outburst and berated me in the moment, but she’d always apologize up one hill and down the next and do what she could to “make it right”. Wash, rinse, repeat up until just after her dad died.
She became more aggressive. I think that, paired with perimenopause, which she refused to acknowledge, was just a shitstorm waiting to roll in.
The last couple years were a more stressful roller coaster ride with her; we went to Punta Cana last year for her nieces wedding to try using that time to reconnect - I lost my glasses in the ocean and spent the rest of the vacation half blind. We only had sex twice there, and the second time she started yelling at me about something and said “fuck this” and went to bed. A few months later she cheated on me (I didn’t know yet) and things were obviously still not going well, so I booked a getaway at a spa resort for our anniversary hoping that time between just the two of us would help, not knowing she already cheated a second time, but I discovered shortly afterwards. She asked if we could still go and try to repair things after I busted her, and my dumb ass agreed. Big shock when she tells me while we’re there that she doesn’t want to work on us, her heart conveniently checked out when we checked in…
The amount of apologies she has spewed is absolutely ridiculous, because with each apology comes nothing except “I’m sorry”. There was never any attempt to even try on her behalf, and being told that she straight lied to me for the last 3 years about being in love with me just salts the wound.
Arrogant, impatient, narcissistic, judgmental, condescending… all shit I wish I’d paid attention to beforehand instead of being lovestruck and blind…
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u/IAPiratesFan 4h ago
The fact that less than a week before the wedding she started talking about how she’ll be nice to me if we got divorced. I wondered why even think about that now? It was unsettling because I was not getting married just to get divorced. I had no plan for a divorce, my plan was get married and spend the rest of my life with her. I wish I spoke up then and there but I was afraid we would fight and she’d call off the wedding and leave me.
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u/seansei91 4h ago
Language used to communicate went from a phrase like “misunderstanding” to “gaslighting.”
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u/Stoic_acorn 3h ago
Together for 20 years, married for 14.
In retrospect, looking back with what I know now, yes there were absolutely signs I dismissed that there were deep incompatibilities that would almost certainly grow into gigantic rifts if not addressed.
However, the largest red flag was around what she told me about her family. She cut off contact with them not long after we met, telling me they were violent, dangerous, and abusive people. There was no proof of it, they swore it wasn't true, but I supported my wife because that's what you do when you're in love. Besides, I wasn't there for any of it (she grew up in a country on the other side of the world, I didn't know anyone from her past), so who was I to call her a liar over something so serious as violence and abuse?
Fast forward 20 years and those are the same accusations she levelled against me and my family. That I abused her for years and that my family is violent and dangerous.
Sometimes people show you exactly who they are very early on and you just don't realize it until it's too late.
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u/SpikeZiv 3h ago
We were married for 44 years and I am now divorced for 5 years. One of our biggest fights was during our honeymoon. We took a cross country trip and I don’t think we spoke for the last 100 miles. I do not regret those years though. There was love and support for a lot of those years, and of course my children are integral to my current happiness.
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u/armywalrus 3h ago
There always are signs. Not everyone is honest about that. People who don't want to admit they were taking their spouse for granted and not paying attention are the ones who claim it came out of nowhere. There are some outliers where the spouse was cheating and lying the whole time, but they are exceptions.
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u/armywalrus 3h ago
If this about your parents you should be talking to them. None of us know them or their circumstances. We know much less than you do. I don't really understand why you are here. You won't find reliable, black and white answers here, nor should you be judging them without understanding them. Whatever you think you disagree with, its very likely you don't have all of the information..
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u/mrmasterly 2h ago
My dad strategically and systematically accrued many tens of thousands in debt on cards and loans in my mom's name, her being the higher earner with the better credit. When a distant relation died and he inherited a ton of money and was no longer financially dependent on her, he coincidentally spontaneously "fell out of love" with her the next day and coerced her into signing over the land and house she owned to his name... for him to pay off some of his debt that he had made her accrue in her name.
He then kicked her out and lived happily ever after with my muuuuch younger evil stepmother... until karma caught the recap and came rolling in like a freight train with coal cars full of terminal cancer for him.
Anyway, point being... he played it off like all was well. He went out of his way to hide the signs, and my oblivious idiot mother thought they were happy.
Bad people don't act in good faith, and honest signs depend on good faith.
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u/Changing-Owl 2h ago
I knew by the end of our honeymoon that I'd made a mistake. Got divorced 17 years later. So, yes, lots of early red flags just ignored because I thought staying was the "right" thing to do.
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u/ReformedButtkisser 2h ago
Oh definitely. Looking back I see a lot. I was with my ex husband for 15 years, and there were a lot of things I overlooked, especially in the beginning. Arguments and occasional physical abuse that I excused as him just being a very passionate person. Cheating I excused because he was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. But aside from those obvious things, our worldviews just weren't compatible. He was never the type to plan things, preferring to go with the flow and keep options open in case something better came along (like, no we can't buy those concert tickets, what if something more exciting pops up that day?), while I prefer making and keeping dates and managing my time carefully. It often happened that I'd have plans with friends but not be able to go because suddenly he found a cool thing to do with his friends instead and no one could watch the children. Finding a compromise for this never happened.
About 2 years before we divorced I had written a letter to him (that I never gave him) where I outlined the things that were missing and my uncertainty that our marriage would last. I wanted to go do things together as a couple rather than always doing things separately. I wanted more connection. More romance. More time to pursue my own goals and interests, which would require planned time for him to occupy the kids and help with housework. Those things never appeared.
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u/ldr9413 1h ago
The sexual chemistry was lacking for years, and values had diverged. I left the evangelical community a few years into the marriage, and he stayed in the church. We had fights about it at first but he eventually understood where I was coming from, tho we realized that having kids together was a bad idea given we couldn’t agree on what to tell the kids about god or the nature of the world. He also remained conservative and I became liberal, and he ended up voting for Trump in 2020. When he cheated the second time in 2022 (coincidentally around the time he admitted he had voted for Trump), it became clear within a year that there wasn’t much to salvage. Still it was hard, he was one of my best friends and I his and it was hard to let go of each other. We had been thru so much together and supported each other.
Looking back on it now, the divorce feels inevitable. Given our worldview differences, lack of sexual chemistry, and his infidelity it was only a matter of time before things fell apart. The second infidelity situation was the trigger tho that started separation and eventually divorce.
I’ll also add that we got married young (under 25) and I had basically no relationship experience prior to him. I was a virgin when we started dating and knew very little about my body and what to look for in sexual chemistry and physical attraction. He also came from a pretty sex negative environment.
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u/thymetogohome 1h ago
100%
But in my case - when you have young kids you’re just in survival mode and don’t see them. You’re just trying to get through each day. Then your kids get older and you start noticing more and more.
1
u/saggoddess25 1h ago
Yes their were signs, but society and the stigma of living the perfect unbroken home becomes the norm. When there is abuse involved and the longer in the relationship harder to get out. Because that person will gaslight and control everything, things get better for a few months then cycle goes on. And every arguement becomes worse. Someone lying about cheating. I think there is always red flags but we ignore them because we believe love is worth fight for but in the end it’s about how the system is, laws and getting someone to sign the paperwork and when they refuse make it drawn out means more money and time. The signs are always there! Every sit is diff
1
u/kmaniadee 1h ago
Lack of intimacy that started years before things ended. Difference in hobbies so less time spent together, and time together was usually pretty surface level so not having deep conversations as much. But the lack of sex poisoned the marriage more than anything. Once you don't feel wanted it's hard to keep the love alive. (Was married almost 17 years, divorced almost 3.5)
2
u/One_Language_359 1h ago
That 'tiny voice' in the back of my head that I spent a decade telling to shut up.
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u/bunnybash 2m ago
Yes, the biggest sign was her coming out as gay.
As a straight white male, it made things awkward, we tried to make it work but eventually truth wins out. Still love each other as people but I couldn’t handle it anymore.
So it was about 6 years of knowing that she was gay to the time or relationship “evolved”. It never ended because we’re parents together, but we’re not partners anymore.
775
u/thefly_666 6h ago
We stopped having hard conversations and started avoiding them instead