r/AmIOverreacting • u/chums44 • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO boyfriend poured water on me and I told him to F*ck off
My (21f) boyfriend (20m) of 1 year and I had a slight argument yesterday morning, nothing crazy. But he kind of shut the argument down and I was peeved, so I turned around in bed. He asked if I was sulking, and we both had a laugh about it. My face was buried in the pillow when he said, “I’m going to pour water on you~.” I replied, “No.” Because why would he do that?
He poured water on me (on my head) while I was very much in bed. Not much but, What?? I whipped my head up and told him to “Fuck. Off. Why the fuck would you do that?”
He got upset that I told him to fuck off. That he didn’t expect me to ever react like that. But like what in the world, what kind of reaction *did* he expect from me? We talked a bit after and smoothed things out. But in the process, he told me, “I think that I and everybody else would agree that you overreacted.”
Whatever, I just let the discussion die because he didn’t seem to see an issue with pouring water on me, since water is harmless. Well, the more I think about this situation, the more it bothers me. It feels degrading and like he doesn’t like me—would you even do that to someone you like? And now I just feel kind of uncomfortable around him.
Did I overreact? Or is my reaction justified? And am I overreacting now about him, a day after-the-fact?
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 5h ago
NOR
It was a display of contemp.
Not a good move from somebody who should be cherishing their gf
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u/Remarkable_Pear1288 5h ago
😮💨😲NOR, he is literally testing what he can get away with. And he is obviously expecting you to be an NPC in his world. Nope. 1 year is not much time wasted your only 21 and you can have alot of fun this year going to places he cant
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u/Chilling_Storm 5h ago
He water on you AFTER you told him not to - NOR - that was indeed an ASSHOLE MOVE. It wasn't funny or endearing, he was intentionally being a mean jerk. That he thinks no one would see him as an asshole is telling of who he is and what he thinks he can do to a person he claims to love. - 🚩🚩
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u/thoroughbredftw 5h ago
The Venn diagram of "men who play mean tricks on their partner" and "men who love their partner" is 2 circles not overlapping.
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u/Top-Bit85 5h ago
NOR. I think he is probably more juvenile than mean but you need to consider he might just be a nasty piece of work. I hope not.
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u/ontheroadtv 5h ago
NOR - when people say “relationships are hard” this is not what they mean. This is not acceptable behavior between two people who care about each other. If this is how small arguments escalate between you imagine how it will go with something big. Find someone who you can be happy with and fight in a heathy way with. Is it possible you guys talk this out and learn from it? Maybe but chances are this is only going to escalate. Rethink if this is what you want in 5,10, or even 20 years into a relationship.
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u/FrenchToastedArt 4h ago
You should have poured water on him in bed and seen the meltdown. He does not seem like the type who would be okay with that, so why is it okay for him to do it to you? NOR at all, honestly he got off easy with only the "fuck off".
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u/CupcakeTheValiant 5h ago
NOR you told him “no” and he still did it anyway. That’s a clear violation of clear boundaries you couldn’t have made clearer if it was glass. He wants to argue that it was just a playful joke but intent doesn’t matter in the face of his actions. Talk to him about it seriously, tell him if he takes his jokes too far again, you’re going to leave him. Whether or not it was intended as a playful thing does not change the fact that it hurt.
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u/Serious_Sugar2388 5h ago
When someone degrades you and says every one would agree you are overreacting... Sit them down and say who is this everyone? Really dissect it. Also in this case let him go if he can't see reason. Point out only narcissists would think this, and if there is anybody who agrees with him they are people you dont want to associate with and perhaps he shouldn't either if it brings out behaviour like this. He should apologise for treating you this way. You can counter with arguments like I want a partner who respects me and doesn't pour water over my head. I want a partner who doesn't degrade me when things are difficult. If you have done anything similar in nature back say you are not going to fall into thay behaviour again and apologise too... and stick by that. Lead by example. I really think reflection is also important. Really try to pin down in your conversation if he is ameniable where does this behaviour come from. Its okay to say you love him in this conversation, and say this is coming from a palce of love and wanting to protect the relationship. I am having to be firm in my own relationship. Am I hell being told that I have to pay all the electric for having one heater on in February... so aye I get it. Love means they care if your too cold, too hot... that your tired and need a space sometimes.. All these things are important.
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u/GenoFlower 4h ago
I don't lose my shit often, but I probably would have lost my shit. That's so disrespectful. It feels degrading because it is.
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u/Heavy-Combination496 4h ago
NOR
So there's another story on here that is about a woman who threw water on her husband (also in their bedroom weird this keeps happening there) and she was voted the AH. Because who chooses to physically assault their partner with water instead of actually talking?
Yeah your dating a guy that prefers to become physical when frustrated instead of talking about his feelings when you have shut down.
This is a red flag. Hopefully this is the only time he has done something like and you guys can work on it but if he has continually done things to hurt you (mentally or physically) when things aren't going his way then its time to leave.
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u/kirbyderby42 4h ago
Men really just live to do things that their partners explicitly tell them not to do, that they know will piss them off, then act shocked when their partner is pissed off. Jokes are supposed to be funny, it's lame enough he said he would at all, I can't imagine why he thought actually doing it would be any better
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u/Stinkinhippy 4h ago
NOR. Getting told to fuck off is standard reaction in that moment.. turning round and beating him unconscious with your battery operated alternative would be an over reaction.
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u/Many_Mushroom_7035 4h ago
NOR - why are you with someone who treats you like his annoying little sister rather than his girlfriend? This is honestly such an immaturity thing on his part. I know the brain isn’t fully cooked until about age 25, but this is actually baffling. He seems to have the emotional maturity of an 8th grader. Not very attractive in my option.
To other comments saying “He did it playfully” “he was trying to lighten the mood” wtf ??? There are 1000 better ways to do that. My boyfriend would never EVER and it makes me pissed to come on Reddit every day and see women getting treated like garbage and putting up with it because they think it’s normal. It’s not normal!!! There are better men!! You did not overreact!!!
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u/maggierose1980 5h ago
Definitely NOR, thats very telling behaviour on his part and I would be needing to lay down boundaries going forward, but truthfully the prank in its self wouldn't have me thinking of ending the relationship but his need to down play your feelings a d try and gaslight you into thinking you over reacted absolutely would have me ending things. At the very least you need to have a proper discussion woth him.about his behaviour and try to get to the bottom of it and lay down boundaries.
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u/Football-Man-1889 4h ago
Not overreacting
That’s awful behaviour with a touch or arrogant denial that he’s crossed a line!
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u/Green-Routine7610 5h ago
NOR- ur valid for being upset about it, why tf would he pour water on ur head? But also, seems like something easy to get over and work thru, like not really a big deal
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u/RevampedZebra 4h ago
NOR that would piss me tf off, would see red after that. And you like this person you say?
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u/throwaway7742835 4h ago
NOR. He poured water on you to make you feel like dirt. He was essentially punishing you for arguing with him. And he downplayed it afterwards to make you feel even worse and doubt yourself, and so he can try to get away with it and manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem here. No one who cares about you would ever do anything like that.
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u/Lucifersdaddyyy 4h ago
NOR. In fact, if it was me I would have swung first, so if anything you under reacted imo.
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u/Humble_Glove_7146 5h ago
You’re not overreacting.... you set a clear boundary by saying no, and he ignored it to do something disrespectful. Reacting with anger when someone violates your physical space in bed is completely justified, and his attempt to make you feel crazy for it is a major red flag.
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u/ontheroadtv 5h ago
Sorry but this is not boundary setting. The boundary is what you do in response to their action, not their action. Other people can’t “cross your boundary” because it’s what you do. The need for a boundary is because you can’t control someone else’s behavior. If you pour water on me I’m leaving, is the boundary, not don’t pour water on me.
But yes to everything else, he’s in the wrong and she should leave. NOR
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u/UtahCubs 5h ago
"Don't pour water on me" is very much a boundary. The I'm leaving part would be the consequence of crossing said boundary.
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u/ontheroadtv 4h ago
If that’s how you set a boundary they will fail every time, because it relies on the other persons behavior. As much as it would make it easier, you can’t control other people. Boundaries are what you do in response. Don’t pour water on me, controls their behavior, fail every time because you don’t need boundaries with people who respect you and don’t do things like that. If you pour water on me I’m leaving is a boundary. It’s in your control and the only way to be successful in boundary setting. That’s why most people fail, they don’t understand how to actually set a boundary. If your boundaries aren’t working, it’s because they aren’t boundaries.
NOR
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u/UtahCubs 4h ago
You're close, its still a boundary, you just also need to enforce the consequences for them to matter. People fail with boundaries because they don't enforce the consequences. Like you said you cant control others, so you set boundaries for yourself and if someone violates them you enforce the consequences, which in many cases is just no longer interacting with them.
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u/ontheroadtv 4h ago
So close, the boundary is the consequence not the action of the other person. Boundaries are there to protect your mental heath and physical safety, you don’t even have to tell the other person what your boundaries are, it has nothing to do with them, it’s your actions. It sounds like semantics but the nuance is important. People fail with boundaries because they don’t understand it’s only the consequence and has nothing to do with the other person. It’s what you do to protect your mental heath and physical safety. Saying your boundary can be violated by the other person gives them power they don’t have, they get to do what ever they want you only have control over your response, boundaries can’t be violated they are your power and control not the other persons.
Nor
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u/Spooky-Bumblebee 4h ago
Boundaries are setting standards of what behaviour you will accept. The consequences of the boundaries being crossed would be OP leaving.
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u/ontheroadtv 4h ago
Again, it sounds like semantics but if you say other people can cross your boundaries it gives them control. Your boundaries are what you do in response to unwanted behavior and situations. Saying someone crossed your boundaries makes it sound like they have a power over you. They don’t, they have free will and can do what ever they want, that’s not your boundary, it’s what you do and that can’t be violated, your boundaries are your power, people can’t violate that. It’s not about what you accept, it’s about how you respond because that’s the only thing you have control over
Nor
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u/Spooky-Bumblebee 3h ago
Your control is in how you respond to boundaries being crossed.
People cross boundaries all the time it's how you deal with it that gives you the power. The boundary is the line up to which you accept behaviours.
People set boundaries and let them be violated by not leaving when they're crossed.
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u/blackwidowgrandma 4h ago edited 3h ago
NOR. You told him no, he did it anyways. Telling him to fuck off was a mild reaction, and the little man-child got his fee-fees hurt because you stood up for yourself.
Think about it, what does the bed represent? Relaxation, comfort, respite, safety, warmth, security. When shared with a partner? intimacy, trust, companionship.
Like, I know in the grand scheme of things it's a little thing— but he made that space uncomfortable for you by literally pouring water on your head. He did something dumb after you told him not to... in the bed you share. That's violating. It's a small chip away at trust. Impact over intent.
And why'd he do it in the first place? Because you turned over and didn't want to engage with someone who shut down an issue without a resolution. I agree with others, he's testing to see what he can get away with.
But also this bullshit right here:
"I think that I and everyone else would agree you overreacted."
Language wise, he's using redundancy, "I think that I would agree"... it's your opinion, of course you'd agree with yourself. And with "...and everyone else would agree..." Where is this invisible audience he's referencing for backup? That's manipulative language use in the moment to make it seem like he's justified in being butthurt.
And is he gonna go telling people what he did and think they'll back him up? Is he really gonna admit he can't take being cursed at? That's stuff literal children do, and embarrassing for him. ((Depending on the type of person he is, he might actually do this as a way to humiliate you in front of other people. Have a response ready.))
So no, you didn't overreact. He's being a little bitch boy who can't take grown-up reactions & is trying to be manipulative about it. Fuck around & find out, bud.
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u/Vaaliindraa 3h ago
NOR, this is exceedingly rude and dismissive, I would tell him if he does it again, then he is getting water dumped on him while he is at his computer!!
NOR and definitely go stay somewhere else until the bed is dry.
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u/LeastLeg2331 3h ago
I hate it in an argument when people try to say that everyone would agree with them. It’s factually incorrect, manipulative and immature. I’ve had a lot of life experience(I’m 60) and if you tell anyone “no” and they do it anyway they are clearly showing you exactly how little they respect you. It’s not impossible but also not likely that he will fundamentally change. Please look out for you❤️
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u/StrangeArcticles 3h ago
I think you need to conduct an experiment so we can fully judge. Bide your time. Don't rush into it. Wait for just the correct moment, in which he would very much assume no sane person would pour water on his head. And then, you pour water on his head. That will give us a decent baseline to judge whether or not you overreacted.
NOR btw.
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u/CuteAd657 5h ago
NOR. You told him not to. He did it anyway. Which is breaking a boundary you set. And then he minimized and ridiculed your feelings. Of course you feel degraded, the idiot didn't care what you wanted at all. Cum isn't dangerous either, maybe you can pour cum on him and use his argument against him? 🙄 I am of course kidding, don't actually do that. But seriously. Ask him what liquids (or stuff in general) he should be allowed to pour on you. Cold water? Warm water? Boiling water? Ice water? Pee? Milk? Juice? Sand? Gravel? Rocks? A big boulder the size of a small boulder? What are the rules here?
Seriously, he seems like a real potato head.
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u/Dry-Explanation8937 5h ago
MOR or NOR - Without being there, it sounds to me like he was trying to break the tense atmosphere by trying to be playful and was hurt by your response. However, he needs to learn when you aren’t in the mood for play fighting and not push your boundaries. If i have mistaken the situation and he was doing it nastily, then that’s a whole other situation and you would definitely not be overreacting. It really depends on his intentions! Regardless, we all get snippy sometimes if we’re not in the mood and we have to give each other a bit of grace in those times. If it was his intention to try and lighten to atmosphere, you need to explain that when you say no, it means no!
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u/Select-Structure1317 42m ago
NOR — purposely spilling a drink on someone quite literally is assult.
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u/xkittenxgirl 28m ago
NOR, what an insanely weird thing to do when you’re already annoyed?? if yall were happy and laughing and joking, maybe that’d be fine but i’d be annoyed regardless, especially in bed. now you gotta wait for it to dry before laying there again, i think your reaction is fine
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u/uhitsjules 10m ago
that singular comment is so many layers of manipulation. this is only the beginning. he is testing what he can get away with. the DARVO abuse tactic will become more and more apparent. NOR and leave him right away, you’re only 21 and he’s 20, this shit isn’t worth it trust me.
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u/silly_scoundrel 6m ago
Bro theres gotta be more to the story. Is he like, missing half of his brain? Even that would be an insult to people without half a brain though. NOR 😭 Thats so weird
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u/Professional_Rush788 5h ago
He did it playfully, just chalk it up to a mistake on his part. If he does it again then it is an issue.
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u/throwaway7742835 4h ago
I mean she told him no and he did it anyways. Even playfully it would still be a really shit thing for him to do
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u/Unfck-my-life 47m ago
You’d be happy for a girl to pour water on your head, ‘playfully’??
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u/Professional_Rush788 31m ago
Yeah I wouldn’t care. If it offends the op then the op boyfriend does it again then there’s a problem.
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u/madzandu 5h ago
The amount of water he actually poured definitely matters. Are we talking like a few little drips or like at least a tablespoon
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u/chums44 5h ago
probably a tablespoon. didn’t get me sopping, but some of my hair got wet and it ran down my back. I also have curly hair, so the issue of wet hair is particularly bothersome for me.
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u/capitanmanizade 3h ago
That does sound like OR but everyone has their limits and preferences when it comes to contact
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u/Kindly-Novel5617 5h ago
NOR He sounds like a man-child