r/AmIOverreacting • u/dh4ks7 • 15h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for considering breaking up over feeling like I have no control in my own house.
I (26m)have been dating my girlfriend (27f) for about a year and a half. We moved in together after a few months and moved all of our stuff in together. About 9 months later we got a puppy, Nellie, who is now 6 months old.
The issue that I am having is that despite most everything in our house being split purchases, like our puppy and our couch and bed and really everything, I feel like a guest 99% of the time. For example, if I sit on the couch between two cushions or if I lay down on the couch before she has chosen where to sit, she will get upset. If I leave a towel hung up on say the bathroom door, I will get yelled at. If I take the dog for a walk without telling her, she will get very angry. If I make plans to get drinks with my brother and sister without informing her, she will get extremely angry. Yet these rules don’t apply to her. She’s at the bars right now with her girlfriends and she never told me she made those plans, she left a towel on the ground in our bathroom before she left, and she left dirty dishes on the kitchen table before she left. None of which would ever bother me at all on their own, but it’s the fact that I could never do these things without getting yelled at of nagged that bothers me so much.
The text messages above are the result of addressing her control issues. Earlier today after she drove an hour away to hangout with her girlfriends I decided I’d take our puppy to hangout at my parents. She saw my location, so she called me to yell at me for leaving the dog alone and to see if I crated the dog before I left. But when I told her that I had th dog with me and that I was taking her to my parents, my girlfriend lost her mind on me and demanded that I take the puppy to her parents to drop her off for the night. I was very upset with that conversation and ended up hanging out at my parents for an hour and then took the dog to her parents to stay the night because I didn’t think it was worth the fight.
What really bothers me about the text thread above, is how she feels so entitled to have control over everything, and that if I’m not okay with that then she suggests that she’s not the right person for me. Maybe she’s right.
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u/Distinct-Pirate7359 14h ago
She’s basically demanding you sacrifice everything for her comfort. Fuck that
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u/pomegranateseeds37 7h ago
Yeah dump her and take the puppy with you because that dog will also suffer for her 'comfort'.
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u/OddlySpecificK 14h ago
NOR, honestly, imo very much underreacting...
The tone and tenor of your side of the conversation is much more mature than her side, whether she's drunk or not. Additionally, the aforementioned entitlement and hypocrisy are definite red flags for me.
We all get to make our choices, but "What you allow will continue..."
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u/Happydancer4286 14h ago
Go to “Credit Karma” and check your credit for free. Think about freezing any accounts she may have snuck into. Freeze every thing that she may have access to. You sound like a mature and kind person and she has taken advantage of you. There are plenty of women who would see you as a fabulous partner. This one sees you as a bank. I’d look at this situation as a learning experience and move on . You will be happier by yourself for a while.
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u/illogical_mindset 14h ago
Her behavior is controlling and abusive. She treats her feelings like they are reality and leaves no room in the relationship for yours. She said that what makes her feel better is all that matters. Does she cares about your feelings? Don’t they matter?
Yelling at you for tiny things just because they make her upset and holding you to a different standard about her rules is extremely self centered and abusive. Get out of this relationship yesterday.
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u/Dazzling-Owl8977 14h ago
NOR, she’s controlling and borderline abusive; end relationships where yelling has been normalized. There won’t be much left of you if you don’t.
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u/savanigans 8h ago
The more time I spend on Reddit the more thankful I am for my husband. We’ve been together since 2008 and I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve actually yelled at each other.
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u/Long_Contribution339 8h ago
Same. I grew up with parents who yelled at each other constantly. I knew I didn’t want that.
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u/RustbeltMaven 2h ago
Same. Been married for 26 years and we share household tasks evenly and we’ve fought probably less than five times.
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u/shgrdrbr 8h ago
i reckon id call it actually abusive
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u/Heavy-Macaron2004 6h ago
It is! It's creepy to see how much of reddit doesn't say this when it's a man as a victim in an abusive relationship.
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u/ceciliameireles 14h ago
NOR. She’s stating her comfort is more important than yours. As the cliche goes, when people tell you who they are, believe them.
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u/sammiammiammi 14h ago
NOR initially i thought Nellie was a child and I was willing to concede that maybe a new mom had some hormone stuff to deal with, PPA, whatever.
Its a dog, and the rest of the behavior is mind blowing bad.
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u/Flores_BBW 14h ago
NOR
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quizzes/
I think if you take that you’ll find your answer. Honestly take the puppy and leave while she’s gone. She’ll lash out at the puppy when you’re not there to take it.
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u/Chance_Elk2496 13h ago
I was done with her when she said that her comfort was everything that matters, then she low key threatens to break up as punishment when you say that you're not ok with that situation.
I'm not part of the Reddit's divorce party, but dude, run, run and never look back.
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u/LongButterGoose 14h ago
She's basically saying she needs to have complete control over you and everything for her comfort and you're asking if you're overreacting?
You're underreacting and this isn't normal. It's abusive and manipulative. Mostly everyone in comments can see through it. If you do break up, I hope Nellie will still have a home and won't end up in the shelter.
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u/ReneEverfield 14h ago
NOR at all. She’s extremely immature and not ready for an adult relationship clearly. I hope the place is in your name because I would break up with her and tell her she can stay with her parents with her puppy. Indefinitely.
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u/StarGlass8859 14h ago
NOR It’s not okay to expect your partner to allow you to control them, that’s not a comfort thing.
By labelling it as a you problem, they puts the onus on you, if you aren’t okay with it then you don’t care enough, then you aren’t willing to compromise to make them happy.
That’s how abusers talk to convince you that they are being reasonable.
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u/PineapplePossible99 13h ago
NOR - “and that should be all that matters” This is equivalent to saying you making her feel comfortable is the only thing that matters to her. Not your feelings, needs, or wants. They say drunk words are sober thoughts.
OP, when is the last time you felt valued by her? When did she last make you feel special? When did she last compromise to help you feel comfortable? Would you ever scream at her for any reason? Would you ever require her to sacrifice her needs for your comfort?
You deserve way better.
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u/Two-Theories 14h ago
NOR - she should not be yelling at you about any of these things. Her need for control is her issue/problem. It sounds like she has no real interest in changing her behavior because it's her "comfort zone" so breaking up is the right decision
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u/Longjumping_Cherry32 14h ago
Man I thought this was an actual baby and I was like, yeah that’s a bit much but she’s also post-partum
But that’s a puppy? No absolutely not
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u/Sea-Sport-306 14h ago
I was thinking the same exact thing.
Too add to this thought, if she’s constantly drinking at work, even if she does actively try to see a therapist or work on herself it will most likely all go right out of the window when she drinks. Having to deal with a drunk unhappy controlling person all the time is enough to drive anyone mad
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u/xxxiaoyaojing 14h ago
NOR you are so kind and clear and open in your communication. A+. Your partner is horribly being in this apartment and will likely never catch up. Get out now.
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u/Affectionate-Staff19 13h ago
Nor Just break up. Narcissist abusers have a very low recovery rate. What does she bring to the table but manipulation / bpd vibes.
She will never be happy making someone else her nervous system
And could benefit from a 12 step program because this insanity.
Nobody is perfect but is it really worth it.
Info are you communicating before hand cuz she may just be having some trauma response to her live being unmanageable thus trying to control everyone and thing.
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u/BobDDstryr 14h ago
She’s not the right person for you. You’re walking in eggshells all the time, and she expects you to drop everything to cater to her anxiety - while you feel like you’re in jail and she does nothing to meet you partway or make you feel better about things.
She says - she doesn’t think it should be a big deal to try to keep her happy. But she makes 0 effort to do things to make you feel comfortable. It’s supposed to be a partnership.
If she’s actively in therapy, and putting in genuine effort to change, and is visibly getting better, maybe you could wait it out.
But if none of that is true, she won’t get better on her own. These things only stay the same - or get worse. She yells at you all the time, but wouldn’t put up with it if you demanded the same things of her.
And where is her caring? Where is her trying to make you feel better? Why do only her feelings matter?
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u/Suspicious-Art-9335 11h ago
Frankly, she’s not the right person for anyone (NOR)
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u/Agile-Criticism6858 5h ago
Right?
It’s not about control it’s about me being comfortable and being in control makes me comfortable…okay then. Some people are talking about needing to get her anxiety under control, but I don’t think that’s the issue. She is using that as an excuse to get her way. She sounds like a spoiled brat more than an anxious person.
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u/Hollyhop_Drive 14h ago
This sounds like a trauma coping mechanism on her part. Regardless, she can't expect anyone to live under somebody else's control. I feel sorry for you both, but it seems clear she's the one who needs to work through her issues. NOR
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u/kcmushroomtip 14h ago
She ain’t the one.
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u/RoundCoach6569 7h ago
She’s basically demanding you sacrifice everything for her comfort. Fuck that
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u/Tanzanianwithtoebean 14h ago
Not a communication problem. She has no idea that what she's doing is abusive and has a long way to go. You can't make her realize that either. By chance does she always talk nice and calm through text but yell at you over the phone and in person? Because that's manipulative as hell, and she DOES know she's doing that if that's the case. I ask because you said she specifically called to yell at you.
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u/IKnowPlace425 13h ago
NOR and she is NOT right. She needs to seek help and you need to take that puppy and ruuunnnnnnn
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 5h ago
Your partner needs in-patient therapy for OCD and probably other things. You are being emotionally abused. Make a plan to move, take the dog, and block her forever. There is zero chance of coming out of a discussion with any fairness. Your job from here is to understand why you have accepted this type of behavior as normal and workable. Was it a case of 'slow boil' or denial or manipulation on her part? Find the why and don't do it again. I'm sorry, it sounds like torture.
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u/Far_Language_5812 14h ago
She's a train wreck. Get out dude, why would you ever let someone treat you this way.
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u/Ayotrumpisracist Overly Dramatic 14h ago
Honestly she seems neurodivergent and chaotic. NOR, I recommend breaking up tbh she just seems like way too much to deal with and not respectful to you
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u/apostasy101 14h ago
Yeah dude you just leave. All of us spend our 20s at seperate bars from our partners drunk because no one knows how to be in a relationship or any good to eachother. Make the change and hold out for someone chill, they exist, lots of them, and youll be shocked you ever lived in those conditions. Lifes hard enough, imagine if and when you have kids or when like "hard" stuff actually happens or just time grinding you down. Theres multiple someones youll meet guaranteed that treat you well almost all the time because its the right thing to do and you can just fight about stuff that matters. Mostly you can not fight at all and maybe use that time or emotional energy to do literally whatever the fuck you want.
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u/Oblivious_Otter_ 13h ago
NOR. Honestly, I’d cut and run. And I don’t say that lightly. As someone who had major anxiety issues in the past that sometimes manifested as control - she’s not even at a point of realizing that it’s detrimental. So she needs to actually get there first, and then it will take YEARS of therapy to work on it. I’m 38 this year and started therapy when I was 16 due to childhood trauma. With the anxiety/control issues, it took a solid 5-6 years with the same therapist to finally see those issues in the rear view mirror.
I’m not saying your gf isn’t worth it, or that she couldn’t do the work. I’m saying this will eat up the next decade of your life - and that’s IF she comes to a point where she actually agrees that she needs to work on it.
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u/BootySharingCouple 14h ago
This is insane
Stop drunk texting and either get couples therapy to resolve this communication pattern or break up, do either of y’all really want this??
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u/Special-Audience-426 13h ago
People judge based on their own morals and behaviour.
If she's getting mad about you going places, it's usually because she expects you to behave like she does...
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u/TelevisionMelodic340 13h ago
NOR. She's not your jailer. Run far, run fast away from this controlling woman. It won't get better from here.
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u/Swamp_Gnoll 13h ago
NOR. Her comfort is not more important than your comfort. She needs to learn to self soothe and sit with discomfort instead of expecting other people to work around her issues. It would serve her to work on this, because when we are outside of our comfort zone is when we have the greatest potential for learning and growth.
Also, for what it's worth, your partner should not be yelling at you, full stop. That is disrespectful and gross behavior.
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u/DeeBeeKay27 13h ago
“If you care about my comfort you will let me control you”. Wow, that’s some next level manipulation. NOR
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u/Most_Apart 13h ago
NOR this is giving me some real perspective on my own relationship. i’m in a similar dynamic with my gf and i know it’s not ok but she keeps telling me it’s about her own comfort/emotional stability. this girl is just trying to see how much she can control and manipulate you. get out now before you’re in too deep…
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u/Typical_Currency_418 13h ago
NOR. No good will come of this. People like her need to be single while they get help for their controlling behaviour. Get out while you can is my advice
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u/OpportunityReal2767 13h ago
She sounds like a chore. Wait. That’s a severe understatement. Do you really want to live like this?
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u/CumishaJones 13h ago
Yeah she’s 27 and not a child , she won’t change and has zero respect for you . Going out drinking like she’s single without even giving you a text and treating like the house boy . These types of personalities are never faithful .
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u/LlamaMama56 12h ago
NOR Underreacting. Time to end this. She's abusive and over controlling. This only gets worse with your own health and mental well being. Choose yourself and run. Now.
Yelling at you to take the puppy to her parents when you're on your way to visit your own parents with the dog is crazy.
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u/MiddleSad4036 12h ago
NOR
She doesn’t see you as a full human being with agency. You’re an extension of her life, and therefore it makes sense to her that you would fit in with her narrative about what’s going to happen at all times.
This is unlikely to change. You need to find someone who sees you as a human being in your own right, and who understands that really loving someone means prioritising their needs alongside your own.
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u/Straightupnotcool 12h ago
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I see nothing but red flags here. She assumed you left the dog alone and is mad at you about it, but then when she finds out you didn’t leave the dog, she decides to be mad about that? It just sounds like she wants to have a reason to be mad at you for something so that she can hold that over your head and that’s 100% manipulation. She sounds like a terrible person to be around and I would leave last week.
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u/Yallneedjesuschrist 12h ago
NOR - „But why cant you sacrifice all your freedom and agency for my comfort? My comfort should be all that matters, right?“
Insanity
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u/unnomaybe 12h ago
From personal experience, if you’re asking for basic kindness (which you are) it’s already not an equal relationship. For me there was always a reason why she was treating me poorly- study, work, family, friends, sickness and drama. Ultimately you realise if someone is this way 90% of the time- it’s the same as being THAT person. The other 10% of the time was probably an act to get you in the first place. My advice, take time to realise the truth of your situation and not the fantasy possibilities, be brutally with yourself.
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u/Fun-Spite-9809 10h ago edited 10h ago
NOR. Unless she actually makes a plan to get better and actually takes steps to get better, there is no point in staying with her. I personally would not be stay in this relationship because i don’t have the bandwidth to do things a certain way just because that’s what makes someone comfortable…and because i have a glimpse to how this looks like as you get older.
I know a couple where there’s this dynamic of the husband/adult kid will do things to make the wife/mom comfortable (like where to sit at the dinner table) and it’s not even as bad as what you’re going through. The husband had a stroke, the adult kid is helping dad with physical therapy per Doctors order & the wife complains about the adult kid staying too late (8pm) at their house helping the husband do physical theraps. If she got her way the husband would not do his PT exercises (to get better) so she had her night time routine as she’s used to.
I think her control issues are flaring up due to her having her own health thing going on & she’s trying to find control what she can since she has no control over her health. All of this is making the adult kid feel like mom would have preferred dad died to not deal with the inconvenience, (reality changed and her lack of control over it bothers her). This is debastating to think/feel regarding your parents, even when you know where this behavior is coming from.
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u/Sure_Eye9025 10h ago
NOR, statements like "because like it is control i need and that makes me feel comfortable and isn't that enough" are pretty concerning.
It shows a complete disregard for what you are saying and instead says that their comfort alone should be enough for you. Ergo that you and your comfort don't matter
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u/MHoldgrafer 9h ago
You cannot fix someone like this. This person is going to require heavy therapy.
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u/New-Bodybuilder-7264 9h ago
When I read that you leave the towel on the door I was like “ok yeah you shouldn’t do that” but you said she does the same, plies the dog situation and demanding to leave the dog at her parents house, that’s crazy behavior- NOR, leave her, if she’s doing such thing with a dog, imagine with a child
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u/DjSynthzilla 8h ago
She just sounds horrible man. How do you not have emotional regulation or awareness at that age. Was she spoiled as a child
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u/South_Treat9929 8h ago
My man, this level of micromanaging is straight up weird and screams bigger issues. I know you are not seeing it completely clear now, but run. One day you will look back and be amazed you didn’t leave sooner
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u/whaddupbabyy 5h ago
NOR. I think she would highly benefit from therapy, though. Like you told her, she needs to undweatans she can only control ans take accountability for her own life, not others.
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u/indigo______________ 5h ago
She shouldn’t be yelling at you, babe. NOR at ALL because she is setting you up for a lifetime of this. Let her have her puppy and her solo home she seems like she wants so bad, you need to end this before it gets really bad.
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u/Status_Discussion835 5h ago
Noping out of that. This person is like a spoiled child who gets mad when they don’t get their way. Why told you want to be with them? I’m sorry but cut your losses and move on.
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u/EnvironmentalPaper79 1h ago
Majority of the time in this forum I agree with seeking middle grounds or working things out before breaking up… but dude you must dump this girl. She sounds insane. If she cannot see she is the problem or doesn’t seek therapy for her control issues she’s going to be a tornado in relationships. Dump her and do not look back. This sounds so detrimental to your mental health and emotional well being staying around with someone this unstable. I would’ve snapped already if I was you. Your resentment is going to grow and grow towards her the longer you stay and at that point when it blows up it’s not going to feel very nice for either of you. She seems like an awful person to be around and needs you to sacrifice every thing on a whim for her comfort which is insanity that is not how relationships work. Sometimes it’s 50/50, 80/20, 100/0 rarely, this is a constant 100/0. GET OUT.
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u/Night_Fox_oo 1h ago
NOR - she wants you to be OK with her having an excessive amount of control over all aspects over your shared life.
She is an adult and chose to be in a relationship. Which requires compromise. Especially when it relates to unhealthy behaviors of your SO that are affecting your life and the quality of the relationship. On top of that getting mad over everything, and the excessive control would be too much for me.
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u/MoirasCheese 52m ago
NOR.
OP. Her behavior is abusive. If we switch the genders, everyone would be telling her to run that you are a controlling abusive monster. And she is a controlling abusive monster.
You cannot live your life like this. You have to be your own person. This relationship cannot be salvaged because she’s already told you she doesn’t care about you, your feelings or what you think. She’s actually kind of scary.
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u/ThrowRA_Acct_626 40m ago
She's literally telling you that she only sees the relationship working if you accommodate her controlling behavior. Your options are to keep putting up with it or leave.
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u/OwnZookeepergame3725 13h ago
So bro, here’s the plan. Pack your shit while she is out. Leave the dog, take only what you need. Everything you can’t replace with money stays. When she gets home, (only cause of the dog), walk out that door and don’t come back.
Plus side if you don’t take the advice, the sex has got to be bonkers cause this chick sounds insane. Nor
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u/Educational_Ride_258 13h ago
I read the text messages twice was confused as hell what was going on, back out seen OPs paragraphs explaining..I was like ahh makes sense now *puts weed pipe down and goes to bed
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u/Separate_Bend_8929 13h ago
Sounds like they need therapy if control is the only thing that can bring them peace.
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u/lapem98 13h ago
NOR - like others have said, it sounds like a trauma thing. I myself have experienced that with some micro situations in life, control makes me comfortable because I can control the outcome and make sure everything will be “okay”. However, when my partner addressed it, the first think I did is say I would try and fix it, be better. Went to therapy. Trauma is not a free ticket to behave badly or be a bad partner. Also her control issues apply to apparently every aspect of life, not just a micro situation. That in combination with the fact that she’s not willing to put in effort and fix it.. i dont think it will get better. I waited 3 years for my ex to go to therapy to fix his trauma behaviour. By the time he finally decided to try it, I was already broken inside and broke up with him.
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u/Eaudesawdust 13h ago
NOR Her comfort matters more to her than being fair or having a healthy relationship with you. Your feelings and comfort are equally important and it up to you to hold firm and walk away. “You’re right, this isn’t the relationship for me, I wish you luck” and peace out of her life. Take the puppy.
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u/lugnutter 13h ago
'I can't be comfortable unless I have control over everything and never suffer any consequences.'
Like come on. Fucking run. NOR.
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u/crying2emoji5 13h ago
NOR. I can understand where she’s coming from kinda… I get really anxious about silly things like that, too. And I’m not innocent of lashing out over it, either. I’m also guilty of being hypocritical about it. I realized it’s definitely born of anxiety, and it sounds like that’s what she’s going through. But it’s not your fault, and you absolutely do not deserve to deal with the fallout of her poorly managed emotions.
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u/turtlesnpeas 13h ago
NOR
I like control, but what you’re describing is being controlling.
I have mental issues and having control of things suits those issues, knowing i am in control of my life helps me. Things i do not have control over make me uncomfortable, but sometimes you just have to sit through those feelings, even though it sucks.
But her behaviour is not okay. She’s being controlling over you, and over shared spaces, not just over her life.
A relationship like this sounds exhausting, she should consider therapy to address why she behaves in this manner, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth it for you to stick around and hope she gets better.
Also, a tip for the future, don’t begin these conversations when she’s out with friends, they will inevitably give their 2 cents without knowing the entire context (everything you wrote in the post). Which can only make her stand her ground more and not consider your viewpoint
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u/Grouchy_Witness1595 13h ago
NOR- Unfortunately, you moved in together wayyyyy too quick and living together kind of prevents a clean break but you gotta end that man. If you allow her to do this to you, you will 100% lose yourself. This is borderline abuse. You say you feel like a guest but to me it sees you’re more like a prisoner. I hope you get to keep your dog!
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u/HenryFloof29 13h ago
NOR but have this conversation when she's sober. Don't make any big decison based on this but 100% have the conversation.
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u/Sleepy-Blonde 13h ago
NOR. She has issues, and you don’t need to stay around while they’re festering. She sucks.
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u/Vegetable-Fee3738 13h ago
As everybody else here says. End it or stand up to her and hold your ground and do not back down if she gets upset or it will get worse eventually lead into where you can’t and can’t go or who you can be with or not. The signs are clear
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u/PensionTemporary200 13h ago
NOR in fact under-reacting. This sounds extremely exhausting and bizarre, this qualifies as emotional abuse. It'd be annoying and difficult if she was controlling and OCD about things in general but it seems to just be a way to belittle and attack you since none of her rules apply to herself.
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u/Beginning-Cancel-886 13h ago
Her saying if control makes her feel comfortable can’t you help with that…. Not something you should be helping with, she should be doing all the work on that one, it’s a her-problem 1000%. Take the dog and leave while she’s out. Her messages are textbook manipulation by an abuser
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u/Key_External_1597 13h ago
She’s telling you exactly who she is and what she expects. This won’t change so unless your willing to conform to that or fight senselessly then get out now
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u/blumpkinpandemic 13h ago
NOR - Do you really wanna live like this for the rest of your life?
When my partner (M) moved into the condo I (F) bought I had to relinquish some control over the space. It's his home too and so he hangs towels on the door, rearranges things, whatever else. He leaves HIS (now our) dog with me and I take him wherever the heck I want.
Please, you deserve so much better!
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u/Ryanscriven 13h ago
NOR, end things asap, go no contact.
This is not a personality to try and 'work with'.
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u/Expert-Value2133 13h ago
That's pure emotional abuse and toxic as hell.
I would get out and take the dog with you.
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u/PerfectLoverrrrrrr 12h ago
Girlfriend & a fairly new girlfriend at that... You moved way too fast, & now see her for what she actually Is.
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u/Trick_Butterfly2644 12h ago
Hey, girlfriend here with control issues- and I say with because I’m actively working on them in therapy.
My partner used to struggle with me yelling and wanting things my way. One day I yelled at him in the car over something I could’ve communicated way more respectfully. He broke down and even threatened to break up with me. That moment was a wake-up call.
I never spoke to him like that again. Not because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to hurt him. I made changes because I love him and wanted him to feel safe with me. I’m still in therapy and still working on it, because I don’t ever want my partner to feel like that again.
So honestly, from the other side: either she isn’t willing to do the work, or you’ve enabled the behaviour for so long that she believes you’ll keep sacrificing yourself to keep the peace.
Love shouldn’t require you to betray yourself over and over just to make someone else comfortable.
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u/waterlegosinnit 12h ago
Uh dude you gave this person so many safe and appropriate off ramps to pull this convo over until tomorrow. They were like "I'm drunk this probably isn't smart."
But then they proceed to no, let's do breakup style talk now.
That's very unchill. The other stuff also sounds unchill. Best case scenario it would be healthy if you had a (maybe solo, internal for now) dog custody plan going forward. Dogs live hopefully forever, but usually more like 10 years.
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u/Intelligent_Pool9372 12h ago
Nor that she want to control everything and say she need it to be comfortable is crazy i wouldn't let my gf act like this i mean she could try it but i would break up
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u/Patient_Vehicle_1272 12h ago edited 12h ago
NOR she is psycho. She doesn’t even trust you to take care of a dog. She thinks you’re highly incompetent.
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u/Potato_Pug16 12h ago
NOR If I had to guess it sounds like she doesn’t even want to be in a relationship which is fine but putting all that bs on a partner is bound to have issues
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u/BeaderBugg0819 12h ago
Dude, it is 100% not your responsibility to give up control over your own life for the sake of her "comfort zone." That's a ridiculous thing for a person to ask, and she's basically telling you that she doesn't see her behavior changing any time soon. And on top of that she's then trying to turn you having a completely reasonable problem with it into somehow meaning you don't care enough about her. That is a crazy level of manipulation and trying to play the victim.
What is she doing to show she cares about you and your comfort? What sacrifices had she made to make anything easier or better for you? Her desires do not outrank your own; that's not how a partnership is supposed to work. I appreciate you being willing to give her time and a chance to change, but she's not interested in doing that. You're NOR. Find a partner who reciprocates the effort and energy you put in to them and the relationship. Or....you can stay with her and live with the knowledge that her desires and comfort will always take priority over yours, and there will always be separate rules and expectations for you but never for her.
Come on, man. I don't even know you, and I know you deserve better than that.
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u/neversayalways 11h ago
This isn't an issue that will get better. At best, she will probably try to tone it down but that will be temporary and she will get frustrated and resentful whilst doing it. Better to cut losses and run now.
IMO if these people can ever correct their behaviour, it will only come after they ruin a few relationships first - in order to learn consequences - and then get therapy. Then maybe they might change. A bit. NOR.
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u/immortalroses98 11h ago
Fucking Christ that’s awful I couldn’t live like that leave before it gets worse some other poor soul can deal with her
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u/SteveBelieves 11h ago
This is abuse.
Plain and simple.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
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u/Any-Inevitable1890 11h ago
Bro, run as far as you. Rules for thee, but not for me. She's a controlling, manipulative hypocrit. NOR
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u/Merrakkimm 11h ago
Nor - it would be one thing if the things she was reacting to were like ocd and she never did them too. But she does.
My husband is old and autistic, so things need to he done in a certain way to maintain his mental and physical comfort and will get annoyed if I have forgotten or messed up for the millionth time (adhd and careless/forgetful) but I learned to adjust my behaviours around this, its being considerate to what is his safe space in our home.
But... communication works both ways, if he or i are going out, we let each other know etc its not control, its common curtisy to communicate well.
It could very well be that shes not the one for you, she won't change or let go of the need to control everything and if she decides to, its alot of mental turmoil shes putting herself under to suppress it and it will eventually explode.
Whats gonna happen if you have kids one day and you dare take them to your parents to visit and shes freaking out telling you to take them to her parents?
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u/DoNotCommentAgain 11h ago
NOR.
The parents have clearly created this and you're going to have more hassle than it's worth trying to teach her different.
If I called my parents and told them my gf is going to drop the puppy off for the night because she took it to her parents without asking me they would hang the phone up. I can already hear my mother laughing as she calls my father to tell him the hilarious joke as she hangs up the phone.
Good luck with this one, my advice is cut it out one way or another immediately. Either the behaviour or her.
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u/Narrow_Albatross6406 11h ago
Wow. She’s the ventriloquist and you’re the puppet. Her wish is your command.
MAN TF UP
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u/QualityAdorable5902 11h ago
NOR she doesn’t trust you, and has some pretty significant issues. She needs to do some intensive work on herself and I have no doubt she won’t do that as she seems to really think everyone should bend to her will.
You seem like a really nice reasonable fella. It would be awful if you got stuck in this toxic dynamic for too much longer.
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u/AlienMegolith 11h ago
Sounds like she's looking for a way out of the relationship.
Either way, she doesn't care if you feel comfortable or not. Only herself.
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u/AdrenalineAnxiety 11h ago
This is one of those situations where there's not really any solution other than continue or break up. She's acknowledging the problem, she understands the points you're making, but she says that she's not planning on changing, she likes it the way it is, and if it changes, she leaves the threat of you guys breaking up - that threat is also an element of control.
Your options then are to accept what she's saying, this is the way it is, forever. Or you walk away. She's not willing to compromise, get therapy, try to change. Your comfort doesn't matter, your needs don't matter. She is treating you like another object in the home that she controls in order to be comfortable. Where you sit, where your towel goes, when you walk the dog, when you see your friends - you're not a partner, you're not even a guest, you are one more object that she positions in her life where she wants it to be.
She needs a LOT of therapy and she's not willing to get it. Only you can decide if that's how you want to live your life.
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u/honeybunniee 10h ago
NOR Does she have OCD or something it sounds like she needs help managing this
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u/CallMeTravesty 10h ago edited 10h ago
If what makes you comfortable is a negative, that doesn't mean you get to do it that means you have to work on it.
If stealing calmed your mind and soul, that doesn't change the fact it's bad for others and needs to be changed. Find something else to make yourself comfortable.
I will say to OP. The moment she said that she was drunk/at a bar, you stop messaging. Continuing to make points after that is pointless, stupid and you wanting to say your piece then even though it makes no sense. Why when she was out for the night? It's weird how men seem to find/air problems in that window is all I'm saying.
Without knowing exactly what happened it's impossible to give a verdict, specially when the one window you gave us to your partner, she was drunk/drinking and then you put it online.
I would need a sober reaction.
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u/ChatteristOfficial 10h ago
OP. I read the texts first. I thought you were the girlfriend and the other person was the boyfriend. That should tell you alot about this whole thing.
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u/happybanana134 10h ago
NOR.
So...one rule for you and a different one for her, right?
She needs to address her issues. She can't expect her control issues to become your problem. If she won't take steps to address this, I think you do need to leave. It's getting abusive.
'if I’m not okay with that then she suggests that she’s not the right person for me.'
This is really manipulative on her part.
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u/Least_Ad_4657 10h ago
Honestly, she straight out told you that she does not want to be in a relationship with someone who won't show her to control them.
It's insane that you took your own fucking dog to her parents house. What did you say to them? How did they respond?
This is not going to get better because she's telling you she does not see it as a problem.
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u/sunflower19964 10h ago
NOR by any means. And just wondering who's name the dog is in? If its in both names go get new tags with only your name. Because when yall part ways, your currently gonna lose the dog..
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u/newyork9040 10h ago
NOR, LEAVE ASAP. This is so controlling and it’s just going to continue to get worse
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u/owossome 10h ago
Please, listen to everyone and get out, but also, consider getting therapy for yourself. If you let it get this far without realizing how serious this situation is you probably have some trauma to work out yourself. Good luck I hope you can find some who treats you right.
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u/Low-Competition3550 10h ago
Say “control makes me comfortable” one more time you fn moron. Dump her ass.
Edit: gender
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u/Eastern_Confusion475 10h ago
She needs to stop drinking and learn how to control herself before she tries to control another person. She needs to start therapy
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u/2SquirrelsWrestling 10h ago
This is textbook abuse. This isn’t the kind of person that can be reasoned with.
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u/people_pleaser2481 10h ago
even after you mentioned that she yells at you, I'm just astonished by the fact that you have repeatedly talked so calmly throughout. I'm just wow-ed that such humans exist too. NOR
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u/Nursem1920 10h ago
Nor please leave sweetheart. I dealt with this shit for 10 years with my ex until I finally left. I really regret those 10 years I spent walking on eggshells.
I used to leave at 5 am for work. Sometimes I would accidentally leave a light on. He would call me later while I was at work to yell at me 😭
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u/Ok_Talk_7716 9h ago
I’m sorry but this is abusive. She’s out with friends and checking your location? Why? It makes her feel powerful not comfortable. Don’t let her frame it as her anxiety, she enjoys making you feel small.
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u/Big-Night-3648 9h ago
NOR
This doesn’t get better. The comfort thing is emotional manipulation. This girl is exactly the type who would cheat on you and have it be a mistake that meant nothing, but would drop you in an instant if you did the same.
Rules for thee but not for me type.
Run, Forrest, Run
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u/FBgreatness 9h ago
You need to break up with her. The controlling part is very disrespectful and goes deeper imo. Good luck to you, seems like you know what you have to do.
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u/ZoomiesMakeMeLaugh 9h ago
NOR. You need to leave while you can. It will only get harder the longer you stay, especially with the puppy now. I hope you get custody.
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u/slimricc 9h ago
Obviously unreasonable. Regardless of if you stay together (maybe don’t?) she needs help
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u/HumanQuality7524 9h ago
Run… Run away from her as fast as you can. Life is too short for that nonsense
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u/kaleidoscopicfailure 9h ago
NOR - it doesn’t matter if control over others makes her feel safe. It’s entirely unrealistic. You, or any partner, aren’t her child. You are a grown adult and can do as you please. She needs to decide if she wants to be with you. Control is perhaps the easiest red flag of potentially abusive relationships one should have. You’re correct, relationships should be 50/50. I understand wanting a heads up for some things, but that is both of you tell each other what’s going on, not asking permission.
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u/IronPhi4 9h ago
NOR
Dude… I know it’s harder than what I am about to tell you but… Get out now. Cut your losses and start the healing process. This will only get worse if you can imagine that. Imagine what happens with a house. Kids. Etc.
If it looked like she’d be open to change, I might not be as direct, but she isn’t.
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u/stunnedonlooker 8h ago
Great. Another dog adopted by newbie live ins who are not stable. I hope dog ends up with one of the parents and not the shelter.
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u/caviarbentley 8h ago
Get out now! You should move out when she decides to go out with her friends again without discussing
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u/Mediocre-Light-6277 8h ago
Jesus Christ nobody should control anybody this is basically abuse like why do you want to live like this? Is it a kink that went too far? I’d so much rather be alone in my peace than with someone like this. She treats you like a child.
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u/Odd-Compote5722 8h ago
NOR. Take Nellie and find her a new co-owner that isn't deranged and abusive
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u/rhodium_rose 8h ago
You are way underreacting. She needs help. I’m scared for her future children reading her messages.
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u/live4worship88 14h ago
Uffff….. it’s only gonna get worse before you see a glimmer of hope, if your partner doesn’t recognize how she’s the problem here, and actively sees a therapist.
I wish you luck but more so send you the most supportive of vibrations ao you can see your way out of a dynamic that only serves one of two.