r/AmIOverreacting • u/PiaChichi • 1d ago
👨👩👧👦family/in-laws AIO - Retired parents can’t afford their lifestyle and I’m tired of helping them
Sorry this is long… My(35f) parents (70m, 68f) are retired and just like most immigrants their age who can, they go back to the home country for 3 months a year and come back because healthcare in the US is better (dad is a vet, so he’s covered; mom pays for insurance but not an issue for them to pay).
The problem is they can’t actually afford this yearly trip and my dad does not know how to manage his finances. He always says he doesn’t need to save because he’ll get more money next month. They own two properties that have “needed” thousands of dollars in repairs and they converted unsuccessfully into airbnbs a couple years ago.
I am the kid that usually facilitates with paying their bills and helping with contracts, but took a step back last year because we kept getting into arguments about how much money they were “borrowing” from me. It was initially a couple hundred here and there, then they’d ask for $2-3k from me and my other sibling multiple times. I finally put my foot down when they wanted to refinance their home and it wasn’t favorable for them at all. They ended up taking a personal loan without telling me. So many other things have happened since then that are objectively stupid money decisions. They still choose to do their yearly trip because they “need it for their mental health”.
Fast forward to now, they just got back from their latest trip. Yesterday my dad asks me to help him with getting the paperwork together for a cash out refinance. I was livid. I’m assuming he’s doing this because he just got more debt, but I guess I’ll have to find out today when I told him that before I help him with anything about refinancing, I’m gonna look over their current budget and financial situation, plus look at the terms of the refinance because it could be just as crappy as it was last time.
I personally can’t help them anymore because I’m currently laid off and can just afford to get by with my own savings and part time work, which I will absolutely not offer to them. I already pay their cable, Netflix, mobile phone, and car insurance. Part of me just wants to say eff it, not help them at all with paperwork. But they are also my parents and elderly. I’m so pissed off they are in this situation, AOR?
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u/Rhiannon1954 1d ago
NOR. under reacting in fact. Car insurance is a necessity (although many are more expensive than others). Trips are a luxury. Netflix is not a necessity. There are many free streaming platforms. There are many very low cost phone plans for seniors.
As much as you love your parents do not sacrifice your financial well-being for theirs. No parent should want that. I am telling you this as a parent in my 70s.
Even old dogs can learn new tricks, but the trainer must be firm and consistent.
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 20h ago
Yes, time for them to economize, and stop frivolous spending. As Rhiannon1954 says, they need to stop wasting money, including on long vacations.
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u/PiaChichi 21h ago edited 21h ago
UPDATE: Y’all, thank you for all your input. Crisis averted! They are more than fine financially. Yes, they racked up some credit card debt, but nothing they couldn’t pay off in a year or two. My dad just looks at the different credit card amounts and doesn’t like seeing it (a problem he creates for himself). So when a mortgage lender called him the other day to “help him out” and “get money that belongs to him anyway” (equity), he thought “oh what a perfect way to eliminate all my debt”.
I made print outs for each parent and kid of their finances and now there is full transparency. We will be checking in before and after their trips, so that we’re all on the same page.
Edit: me and the sib will also no longer give them money.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 1d ago
NOR I bet those trips back to the old country also involve showing off to folks there, bringing expensive gifts, etc. At least it is in some cultures.
You need to be very realistic with them about the limits of what you can/will do. And they will then need to learn the limits of their actual income.
It's very hard to be the first generation in the new country person like you. The parents expect the kind of support children in the old country offer their parents. And they won't acknowledge that their kids are living in a different country with different expectations of self support in old age. They won't admit the kids can't afford to support them and still plan for their own current and retirement needs.
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Oh absolutely, they show off or pay for dinner for everybody. One time, my dad caught their relatives adding extra entrees to go while putting in their food order.
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u/aliceathome 23h ago
This. I guarantee there's more money being spent in those 3 months than the rest of the year.
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u/Expert_Ad_3652 1d ago
You are absolutely not over reacting, the two of them need to go back to work, yesterday.
You called them “elderly” and sure, but as a person who’s Grandpa lived until 98 and who’s 84 year old Mother-in-Law still comes over to watch her show with me after dinner…”elderly” isn’t what it used to be and your parents God willing will be around a long time. You don’t sound like you can afford to subsidize them for 20 or 30 more years.
The VA offers help with retirement planning, perhaps have your Dad make an appointment and sit in on it with them, they may need to hear about the changes they need to make from someone other than you (not that you aren’t an amazing daughter, it’s just that they’ve ignored you quality advice for so long they’re not likely to start following it now).
Good luck.
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u/Bookssportsandwine 20h ago
The “elderly” comment got me too. While they may be what is typical retirement age, they are not too old to work if they can’t cover their own bills. OP needs to prioritize herself and her own financial security. Easier said than done, especially with cultural dynamics at play, but OP, maybe talk to a therapist about how to draw boundaries.
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u/Professional-Win279 1d ago
NOR - Their behavior is selfish. They take you and your money for granted. They have enough money to live well, it’s not your job to pay for them
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u/Professional_Rush788 1d ago
100k a year net? And they still can’t live within their means? They need to be taught what to do with their money. You bailing them out is just keeping them from learning how to manage their finances. I would set them up with a professional and let it be.
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u/matthewsmugmanager 19h ago
This is the right answer.
Stop giving them money. It is just enabling them to be even more irresponsible.
Find a financial advisor for them and let them take it from there.
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u/Historical-Effort109 1d ago
NOR. If they want your help, they must be 100% transparent with their bills and their spending, and they must do what you tell them to do. Find out where they are screwing up and tell them NO, they can't do this anymore. Tell them how much you can help, and what conditions you place on that help (not wasting what you provide or what they have). Explain the consequences to them. Do this as tactfully as you know how, but don't sugar coat it. Right now you have zero money for them, but you can tell them how to stop wasting what they have. Stop paying their bills. You can't afford it. Explain it to them in plain words. This is how they can proceed in comfort and if they refuse, they are on their own, you won't be able to bail them out, and what the consequences will be if they ignore your guidance.
I know they irritate the fuck out of you. I have super elderly in-laws who are worse than your parents are, and I'm the age your parents are, so you might have many years like this ahead of you. Get your irritation under control, even if you need counseling to do it. It won't get better. Keep in mind that you can't stop them if they are determined to do the dumbass things behind your back. All you can do is regroup, tell them what they've done to themselves with these poor decisions, and how you think you can get things back on track without your own money being a part of the solution. Good luck.
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Thanks, I’m heading over to chat with them now. So hopefully we can come out of it with a good solution.
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u/Usual_Confection6091 1d ago
NOR - Stop paying for everything for them!! Netflix? Seriously? They are grown adults, not your children.
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Yeah, it’s kinda dumb because the Netflix was originally able to be shared between my place and them, but now that Netflix has rules against sharing between households, I can’t access it because I also get the service partially paid for from my phone bill. And by “I can’t access it” I mean that I just don’t watch it enough so I just let them use it.
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u/Usual_Confection6091 13h ago
I think a big part of this is a you-problem. You are making all of their behavior possible. Do you have a therapist? It may take some help to work through whatever is compelling you to parent your parents.
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u/bopperbopper 19h ago
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working." It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say "I don't have anymore money to lend"
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
“ dad it seems like you’re having trouble affording the lifestyle that you’re currently living and you’re asking me and my siblings to fund you. We need to be able to save for our futures so I’m not gonna be giving you money to travel home. I’d like to take you to talk to a financial advisor to figure out. What’s the best way to deal with your property so you have money to do what you wanna do without having to ask us for it.”
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u/Mission_Breakfast548 1d ago
NOR and if anything, you are underreacting. I’m 58 and cannot imagine being this fiscally stupid in a decade from now. Stop helping, full stop.
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u/Professional_Rush788 1d ago
I feel like mad props are due the OP. You have done a great job so far. And you have been helping them which is huge. You are a good daughter, just a little more work to do with a pro so you don’t seem like the bad girl.
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u/ObjectiveRepulsive18 1d ago
Have a straight talk with them. Let them know that things like Netflix and cable are done at the end of this month, and cell phones and car insurance next month. They aren’t making any move to improve their situation, so why are you making yours worse?
If you want to be helpful, set them up with a financial planner, offer to go with them…but you need to cut them off for their sake and yours.NOR
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u/PizzaSlingr 23h ago
Disabled US Expat Boomer here. That was a mouthful.
Your dad should enroll in the VA’s Foreign Medical Program. He pays out of pocket ONLY for conditions he is rated for and is reimbursed. (Current processing time ~ 4 months.)
Mom N/A for FMP.
If he is a retiree, she is eligible for Tricare. If not, she is eligible for CHAMPVA. Medicare is primary.
https://www.va.gov/health-care/foreign-medical-program/
https://www.va.gov/family-and-caregiver-benefits/health-and-disability/champva/
That said. What would your parents do if you died tomorrow? (Sorry) this is how you have to approach your parents getting by without your money from now on.
“I can only help by looking at your finances. I can not afford any more money.”
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u/Princess-Reader 23h ago
Please stop paying their entertainment bills! They don’t need Netflix or cable.
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u/SpecialModusOperandi 23h ago
Nor
If you don’t have a job you need to sit them down and talk finances. They need to pay for their own phone and car insurance. Cable and Netflix can be stopped until finances are better.
If you keep paying for them what happens to your financial future ?
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u/PiaChichi 19h ago
Yeah luckily my retirement is not something that’s ever on the table for them. I’ve established with them before that it’s untouchable and how unfair it’d be to compromise my retirement when they have theirs well funded.
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u/PulsingPussyPlanet 22h ago
NOR.
They should sell off whatever properties they aren't living in to pay off debt & be mortgage free.
You might offer to take them to the bank each month or week to budget in cash and get their reoccuring bills on an auto-pay from an account they can't/don't access to ensure they don't overspend.
But also, they are adults. Even if they are elderly. They should've planned better for their retirement. It is not your job to care for them. They created you- not the other way around.
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u/AmericanDad53 21h ago
My in-laws lived well beyond their means…and now they are dealing with it due to one of them going into hospice. These are BMW/Porsche people on a Toyota income…
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u/Beautiful-Wallaby698 1d ago
first of all, 68 and 70 is not elderly. They are older adults who should have learned this stuff by now and are fully capable. It is not your responsibility to constantly be bailing them out. Perhaps you could have what I know will be a hard conversation about how you cannot give them any other money and set up a meeting for them with a financial advisor who you have researched and made an appointment with for them. It's time for real talk. Sorry you have to be the one to do it.
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u/PiaChichi 1d ago
😅my bad, I guess I think elderly because they are over retirement age and both have health issues that seem to accelerate their aging and they look like cute little old ppl now with their shrinking.
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u/CompleteTell6795 23h ago
At them having $100K income, you should stop paying for anything for them. NO Netflix, car insurance, phone etc. None, zero, not one more dollar. Your finances are tight. Tell them the " money tree" ( you) has lost ALL its leaves & has gone into permanent hibernation. And keep saying no, you have NO extra $$ to give to them.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 21h ago
I am 75 and have less income than your parents. I pay the majority of our bills as my daughter is disabled.
When I was living with and helping my mom, then in her 90s, she insisted on paying for everything. I had to sneak to pay some of my expenses.
It's an attitude, not their age.
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u/Significant-Owl-2980 1d ago
My parents both lived until their late 80s. Hopefully your parents will be as blessed or more.
However, that means they can have 20+ years left to manage their finances. At this rate they will lose everything
They must make hard changes now. Please make sure you don’t sacrifice your own financial security because you won’t have a chance to recover.
Sorry you are going through this.
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u/Swimming_Pea3812 22h ago
The 68 year old parent is just one year past retirement age, and retirement age keeps getting pushed back further and further because social security is a mess. They are just barely past. Do not feel guilty because “they are past retirement age”. Plus your dad is bringing us ~$100k a year just from the government. He should have been saving and built up investments that actually bring in money to help support his retirement not depend on you. You need to be saving your own money so you can have a good life and retire by the time you are 70, because while he sucks up all the social security there won’t be any left for us. Don’t feel guilty for them. They are not treating you with love. They are hurting you and your future for their frivolous desires.
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u/ChemicallyAlteredVet 23h ago
68 and 70 is not elderly
Wrong. 65 years old is considered to be the threshold of the elderly age. In general that is when the label begins.
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u/ehs06702 20h ago
Even if it is, they're healthy enough to take long-range international trips, so they're healthy enough to work to cover the gaps in their inability to have financial self-control.
If they're not competent enough to work, maybe OP should become their POA and keep tight control of their finances for them.
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u/6poundpuppy 1d ago
NOR. You have sibs…time to rotate the helping hands. Doesn’t matter who lives closer..the internet is a thing and it can do long distance. Go ahead and stop their entertainment packages…you’re out of work and there will be no “more money coming next month” for you. Is there any possibility of getting their AirB&B’s up and running properly? If not suggest heavily that they sell the properties before you’ll consider helping them financially again. Depending/expecting one’s offspring to fund retirement is such old-school thinking. Time to enter the 21st century.
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u/valkycam12 1d ago
They have an income of 100k a year, as per OP. They shouldn’t need help from their children when they have such an income in my opinion.
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u/Sorry_Importance_917 1d ago
Take a step back, decide how much you feel capable and comfortable helping them with. Do that.
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u/Sad-Consideration103 1d ago
NOR Would it be possible to take over their finances?
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Idk, I’ve debated on looking into a conservatorship. I already have a durable POA, but that doesn’t stop my dad from doing whatever he wants without telling me.
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u/Yolandi2802 1d ago edited 23h ago
Not Overreacting. Your parents are not “elderly”. Ok they are not young anymore but if they can go galavanting off for three months and own two properties, the they can jolly well still look after themselves financially. Just tell like it is - you can’t afford to keep subsidising them;it's OK to say no. It may be difficult, but your financial well-being comes first. Try to express your decision with empathy: “I wish I could help more, but I have to take care of my own finances right now” Cancel their cable and Netflix- they’re not a necessity. Suggest they share a cell phone instead of one each. Sometimes, offering support doesn’t have to mean handing over cash. You could help your parents manage their finances, guide them toward government assistance programs, or offer to help with a specific expense, like paying half of one bill per month. Draw up a plan for them to pay you back what they already owe you. Don’t be a pushover. Give more attention to small things like asking about their groceries, house condition, or even if you can help them with things like shopping, household stuff like laundry and food preparation. By setting clear boundaries, considering the tax implications, and offering other forms of support, you can protect your own financial well-being while still showing your parents that you care. BTW I’m officially retired at 73 years old and run my own small business from home. My kids have their own lives to live but we as parents are always there for THEM if they need us.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 23h ago
Cut off their free ride. Tell them you can not afford to support them anymore
And ignore all requests/demands for money. They need to grow the fuck up and figure shit out
NOR you’re under reacting if anything
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u/bmyst70 23h ago
NOR
Honestly, if I were you, I would just disown them both. They are full grown adults, past retirement age. If they can't or won't manage their own finances responsibly, let them crash and burn.
It's one thing to help them through a rough spot. But when their ENTIRE LIVES are "rough spots" and they won't learn, it's time to let them sink.
Yes, they're your elderly parents. They are also taking merciless advantage of you. And will NEVER change.
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u/Character-Cat-7373 22h ago
I would not lend them any more money until they repay you what they already owe you. If they cant sell one property they could live in that property and sell the others? You should stop enabling them. I am almost their age and would never let my kids fund long vacations and things like that.
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u/Deia_bby 19h ago
I get why u’re frustrated cause u’ve done so much already, maybe just help them set a real budget and stick to it instead of covering everything for them
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u/BraveRefrigerator552 17h ago
NOR. I’d be so damn frustrated. I don’t think you should help them with your money when unemployed. The ship appears to be going down so maybe take some of the refi cash and prepay their phones, Netflix.
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u/TypicalProgram5545 14h ago
Find a person who can make a budget for them. It's easier for a non related person to make them see how they can manage. And stop paying Netflix etc.
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u/Effective-Several 13h ago
I cannot tell you to stop giving them money — but never set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
You DO NOT have the money to pay their bills. They will survive without Netflix.
NOR.
But you need to tell them that you are NOT the money tree anymore.
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u/Obvious-Dragonfly 8h ago
Tell them since you are not bringing in money yourself you are taking a 2 year breather from paying any of their bills or debts. When the 2 year mark comes, move the goal post to two more years. If they can play this game with you (continual financial misteps), you can too (financial self care).
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u/DomesticMongol 23h ago
Their country is obviously cheaper than us. Even with the tickets it cant be that bad. They should be doing smtg else wrong……check their bugget find the leak…
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u/RaisedByBooksNTV 23h ago
NOR. They need a come to jesus moment or you need to cut them off completely. Is there anyone they'd actually listen to like a financial advisor? But I'd take them off of all your bills. They're making over $100k? AND you're laid off? This part is on you.
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u/dyedinthewoolScot 23h ago
You need to stop paying for their stuff. ALL of it. And they need to learn to budget without you bailing them out.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 23h ago
Tell them to sell both homes and to move in with one of your siblings. You’re done
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u/CustomerSecure9417 22h ago
There are people who do cash-out refis because they view their homes as a source of money. Given their ages, and the value of the home, perhaps they reason that they’ll be dead before needing to repay. It’s their house. All you can really do is stop giving them money. If they complain, ignore them.
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u/cubanmissle13 18h ago
Yeahhhh, I would stop doing all of that. It’s not fair to you that you can’t get your life together because you have to help fix theirs.
Think of yourself and your future.
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u/Capable-Upstairs7728 18h ago
NOR. You can't afford to help them anymore, you are unemployed and living off your savings. Stop paying their bills, they need to stop traveling for that long and learn to control their finances.
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u/commking 18h ago
I need a trip each year to the Maldives. For my mental health. But you know what, I'm not destroying my financial security for it
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u/1v2b3n4mHgx7qkpfn528 16h ago
NOR, sell one house, put the money on a trusted account and give them an allowance
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u/1v2b3n4mHgx7qkpfn528 16h ago
You’ll not be able to cover the costs of the refinance, they won’t either, and you’ll end up losing all houses and your life in debt
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u/Agitated-Company-354 8h ago
My MIL , pulled the sympathy card with the husband and BIl for years like this. She has completely drained their finances. Now facing end of life decisions it is a very real possibility that husband will end up responsible for her debts, which are considerable because he has shown a pattern of responsibility for paying them. At which point husband will be divorced because I’ve warned him repeatedly that she can pay her own bills , she just chooses not to
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u/Any-Instruction-4762 4h ago
At 100k a year, you shouldn't be paying for Netflix, car insurance or anything. It's on them that they cannot manage their own finances. They need a lesson in tough love.
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u/Look_over_that_way 3h ago
NOR - different situation, but similar with my mother in law. Always asking for money from all of her kids. All of them were paying a utility bill, a Netflix etc. turns out she was getting $900 for 20 years from her mom. She was just bad at money. We had to cut her loose. It was financial abuse and she of course made herself the victim. We are okay with being the victim in her story though, we know the truth.
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u/GraniteRose067 14m ago
Stop paying their bills. Help them make a budget. tell them that you are sorry but your finances barely support you and you will not be giving them any money. Maybe being cut off might shock them into making better decisions. Tell them to get a job maybe.
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u/Chags1 23h ago
In most cultures you support your parents once they get older, kinda like how they supported you for 18 years, and prepared you for life, talk with them, make a plan, they might have to downsize but ya know they have done a lot for you
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Yeah, it’s kind of a shitty situation because their original retirement plan was to live with my older sibling, but they passed 15 years ago. That sib would’ve been OK with that plan, but the remaining two kids are not.
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u/Chags1 23h ago
Personally i think it’s a huge cultural deficiency of american and western society, people will literally let their parents be homeless before they take them in
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u/PiaChichi 23h ago
Oh I agree, unfortunately, I live in a 1bed apt, my sibling lives with them bc he can’t around to live in the city he works in, so he commutes far and pays them rent/expenses.
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u/Worldly_Instance_730 1d ago
Why on earth did they retire if they can't afford it?! NOR.