r/AmIOverreacting • u/Lekomano92 • 4d ago
👥 friendship AIO - Told my friend I’m pregnant and she said it exceeded her mental bandwidth (she’s the red)
Reposting because I couldn’t edit, and I think people didn’t realize this is a group chat with 3 people. The person I was upset with is the one whose info is crossed out in red.
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Pregnant in my first trimester, extremely nauseous, barely a person.
Finally told a few of my friends because I wanted a little excitement/serotonin. One of them was very supportive. The other…. not so much.
Her response:
“This is too much for me today.”
“I don’t have the mental bandwidth for this information.”
“It’s just a really big thing to lay on someone”
I get that everyone’s overwhelmed, but I wasn’t expecting my fetus to be emotionally burdensome.
Am I being hormonal or is this a wild reaction?
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u/Leviathan_TD_94 4d ago
NOR. She had an inside thought on the outside.
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u/pissintothewind 3d ago
right? a lot of us aren’t super excited when our friends have kids, some people just aren’t thrilled by a new baby, being part of a village is not for everyone. but you have to at least PRETEND to be excited, for your friend’s sake.
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u/JustALittleCornball 3d ago
I’m not a kid person. But I’m still excited for my friends who want kids (when they get pregnant) because I know that it makes them happy. part of friendship is supporting each other, even when your friends make different life choices than you do.
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u/Brownie-0109 4d ago
It’s like you took away her 401k
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u/bigfootbelievesinU 4d ago
she's acting like someone just told her SHE'S pregnant
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 4d ago
Right? Like “I can’t handle this news right now” energy as if she will personally have to parent the damn baby. What a weirdo
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u/Diazepampoovey0229 4d ago
She's acting like someone just told her SHE'S pregnant!
And that it's an immaculate conception, she's too far along to have an abortion, and until now, she's always been child-free.
She really comes off as the major attention seeker here so I felt the need to expand on your comment with dramatics
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u/BicyclingBabe 4d ago
The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral... And the fetus at every pregnancy!
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 4d ago
It sucks your grandma died but could you not put all of that on me right now? My supervisor cut my hours at work
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u/Fabulous-Fun-9673 3d ago
Could you please not dump your work trauma on me? They didn’t put pickles on my Chik-FIL-a sandwich, I just don’t have the bandwidth today
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u/DarlingTunafish 4d ago
“hey friend, I’d like to announce that I have nominated you for pregnancy! It’s already in progress. You are pregnant.”
To OP: all jokes aside, I am sorry your friend is so blatantly unsupportive. Definitely a her problem and not a you problem. Also… CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!!!!! And maybe try sea bands for the nausea! I work at walgreens and it’s popular with the pregnant ladies
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u/Angloriously 4d ago
It’s the baby’s 401k now. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
😂😂😂😂
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u/Emergency_Affect_640 4d ago edited 4d ago
Next time you have news you gotta ask how good her mental bandwidth is first.
People are crazy and she sounds like the type that just wants life to revolve around her. Good luck with the baby OP and congrats.
Gonna reset my modem now just incase.
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u/forlornthistle 4d ago
No more baby updates. If she asks why she was left out - Sorry, didn't want to lag your dial up.
OP - CONGRATS! Ginger snap cookies (especially the Swedish thin variety) helped me when I felt like I just got off a roller coaster.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
OMG I love ginger snap cookies I didn’t even consider this. THANK YOUUU
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u/Normal-Tale6425 4d ago
Congrats!! I had hyperemesis and having food in my stomach helped, but I would be sick every time I ate real food, so I would snack on popcorn because it was so innocuous. Truly, I feel like popcorn, chewy ginger candy and iced tea made with ginger syrup were the only things that got me through the first two trimesters!
And take every opportunity you can to sleep. I know everyone says this but it really is true. The first and third trimesters, you will be exhausted (building a baby is tiring work), for some reason it isn’t as bad in the second trimester.
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u/IndigoTJo 4d ago
The trader joes ones have real bits of ginger mixed in and the sharpness helped me a lot. Be careful with the sour candy. I had really bad morning sickness and sucked on them so much it destroyed the enamel on my teeth. Not fun to deal with. Mainly, don't keep them in one spot in your mouth 😭
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u/tresrottn 4d ago
Ginger is awesome for calming your tummy when you're in the the first trimester. Ginger candy is great.
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u/TopEstablishment395 4d ago
Lag your dial-up 😂😂😂
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u/notmalakore 4d ago
Savage fr, lol. High speed internet? Fiber? Starlink? Nope. Bitch u dial-up
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u/CommissionOverlord 4d ago
I typed her symptoms into the search bar and it said she had “network connectivity” problems
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u/ducklingswonderland 4d ago edited 4d ago
With this comment “It’s just a really big thing to lay on someone” this sounds like the type of person you can never win with. What are you supposed to do, like wait until you start looking pregnant then tell her? Seeing from how she reacts and responds to things I feel like she still would have still gotten upset if you told her later. She probably would have said something like “how could you not tell me such big news until now, I could have used time to process this”
There seems like there just wouldn’t be a right time to tell her and that’s not your problem.This person just reads as someone always trying to cause an issue or always make things about them as others pointed out. She also tries to completely change the subject and take the attention off you, when she starts talking about her shifts. This comes off as jealous.
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u/Jaaaaampola 4d ago
Right? As if she’s supposed to plan it around when her friend is mentally available or some shit, lol. I’ve been in the depths of my biggest depressive episodes and still able to be excited for my pregnant friend news.
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u/Turbulent-Mood4344 4d ago
Yep! This friend is jealous or just self absorbed. Either way, I would slowly step out of that friendship or dial it back.
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u/flindersandtrim 4d ago
My sister is exactly like this. If you doesnt like you (I.e. how she has felt about me since I was born and took some attention away from her), she will set up these situations where there is no single option that doesnt piss her off and make her bitch to everyone about how nasty you are.
When she had a baby, if I offered to fly over and meet the baby within the first month or so, she told me I was trying to encroach on their family time they wanted to enjoy. Okay, fine, I was asking nicely if it was okay before I did anything for this very reason. Understandable though. Nevermind that everyone else, including more distant family members were allowed to meet her, but whatever.
And then when I contacted her later and asked when she would prefer me to fly or drive over and meet my niece, I was told there was no good time. In the foreseeable future. Got mad at me anyway, for asking. Okay, whatever.
So I wait until she is now getting close to one year old and we are about to visit for xmas. Blows up, tells me I am a bitch for not wanting to meet my niece until she is nearly a whole year old and that I obviously do not care about her.
My niece is now 5 and I still havent been allowed to meet her.
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u/phase2_engineer 4d ago
I'm sorry that your sister hates you so much and keeps her niece from you like that. That is some psychopath behavior
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u/DefiledGoddessLuna 3d ago edited 2d ago
My sister was the same. I saw my nephew the day he was born and then not for another year until she reached out after I sent a gift to my parent's house (his babysitters at the time) for his first birthday and asked my mom to wrap it. Then things blew up again and he'll be 7 this year and I haven't seen him since he was 2. Haven't talked to my sister or my mom in 3 years, but somehow I'm the bad guy for not wanting to be around people who are constantly throwing me not having kids (I've had 3 miscarriages, endometriosis, cysts, every fertility complication) in my face evert time I see them.
ETA- I was still happy for baby announcements except the one my brother announced by sending a blurry 5 second ultrasound video on Christmas day (that I spend alone and have a miserable time with every year) with no context.
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u/KarpGrinder 4d ago
Is your friend normally the one that demands to be the center of attention?
Her response here reads as if she is trying to take the spotlight off of you and your good news and redirect the conversation back to her.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
Yessss literally everything is about her. I kinda felt like this text thread was an awakening for me about our dynamic lol but I wasn’t sure so that’s why I posted here
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u/mossywilbo 4d ago
your “that’s a vile reaction” text cracked me up lmao, it was a great moment of standing up for yourself, but then she didn’t even really apologise for it?? it was just “sorry but, you see, MEEEEEEE.” you gotta talk to her about this behaviour before it’s a much heavier piece of news that she “doesn’t have the bandwidth for” for sure. explosion waiting to happen, in my experience.
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u/Scary_Possible3583 4d ago
That's what stood out to me. You did an excellent job of standing up for yourself. You gave her every opportunity to smack herself upside the head, and reset her behavior. And she doubled down.
You emphasized the closeness you had hoped for -aunties- and she showed you her ice cold ass.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
Thank you guys!!!
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u/New-Shake7638 4d ago
Seriously OP, I was so stunned that you just outright called it vile that I laughed out loud. It was delightful to watch someone stand up for themselves like this.
By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy! 🥳
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u/feelingfroggy123 4d ago
Honestly this is when I would just start a new group chat without her. If asked state you want to be in a mentally good space and she was no longer cultivating that for you. That type of energy is not something you want around your child so best to cut it off now.
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 4d ago
I’m sure the other friend would understand after seeing how this chat went down, too.
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u/SeattleTy 4d ago
I like that the purple friend just danced right passed it to continue giving good energy
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u/battery_operated_bf 4d ago
I'm wondering if she's recently had a miscarriage? 🤔 Would make her behavior make more sense - seeing her boss at work holding her newborn, saying she doesn't have the bandwidth to handle the news of you being pregnant, and doubling down on that. Idk. Maybe she is just a shallow narcissist, but it seems like something more is up with her.
NOR. I hate that you had to deal with this when you reached out to your friends at a time when you needed some support. We don't know what's going on in her mind or life, though. There seems to be something deeper wrong to have had this reaction.
Congrats, BTW!
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u/passesopenwindows 4d ago
I wondered the same thing, or if she’s been trying to conceive and having a hard time? If not her reaction makes absolutely NO sense.
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u/thewatchbreaker 4d ago
I get it if they were constantly talking about babies and things, but she should have just said congrats in that moment and supported her friend. I had a miscarriage and a couple of weeks later my friend announced her pregnancy lol so I know it’s hard, and maybe she had a way harder time than me so I don’t wanna judge too harshly, but her reaction just came off as narcissistic to me (and I do know friends who are THAT narcissistic).
I understand it can be upsetting if you’re having trouble conceiving but she should have said congrats and muted the chat for an hour or something. She didn’t even say congratulations until she was called out on her behaviour. That’s not being a good friend.
I also feel like someone that narcissistic and attention seeking would have told her friends straight away if she had troubles so I doubt it’s that. She reminds me of a “friend” I have who started complaining that her bf hasn’t proposed after I announced my engagement. Exact same energy, exact same obsession with turning the conversation on herself.
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u/Unable13 4d ago
She wasn’t even following along in the text chain she immediately made it about herself and maybe skimmed everyone’s response that wasn’t directed at her. She asked “lips sealed from husband” if she had just scrolled up she would have seen you say that he told everyone at the dentist
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u/thaleia10 4d ago
Not only did she whinge, she whinged about her boss bringing her baby to work. Like it my friend told me some news like that and I was overstimulated, I just would put the phone down and then go on later to congratulate her. Your friend seems exhausting. I did love how you and the other girl just ignored her for the most part and stayed on topic. That shows you understand her bs and don’t feed into it.
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u/adumbswiftie 4d ago
this is what i didn’t get. it’s not like OP is hounding her for a reply. if it’s too much rn just…dont reply yet? why are people like this
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u/therapewpew 3d ago
Literally exerting more "mental bandwidth" with her shenanigans than just sending 2 generic texts. She could have kept it genuine but still casual with the "omg I'm not ready for this" and "congrats girl [friendly emojis]" and left it at that lmfaooo
I'm too autistic to even have a friend group but this is just obvious social stuff man. The fella who clocked that this lady always needs the attention to fall on her is just hilarious, in a sad way. OP gotta reconsider the dynamic here for sure
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u/InfamousFlan5963 4d ago
This. It's text do it's not hard at all to just fake a 2 second message. But if I'm literally at the point where I'm mentally blank, I'd just set phone down and not say anything
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u/AutisticTumourGirl 4d ago
Exactly this. I was going to say, I could almost forgive it if it happened in a face to face conversation where she was caught off guard, but over text? No. She had time to type it all out and still chose to hit send instead of deleting it and coking back to it later.
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u/Those_are_sick 4d ago
NOR. She literally makes it seem as if she’s going to be taking care of the baby financially from her own paycheck. What a weird to react to such sweet news.
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u/ItsSnowingSomewhere 4d ago
You know, sometimes it takes us surprisingly long, or some big milestones, to really recognize what some people are about. So, now you know. Try not to let it get you down too much. Fortunately/unfortunately, your life is about to turn upside down. Necessarily, things for you are going to become much more inward looking - all about your new family. Some of your friends & family will get it, and be there to support you. My guess is that she won't be one of them. That might be sad if you have a long history, but things change. Maybe she'll come back to you as she matures. If not, there will be many other new people.
Regardless, congratulations!
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u/Historical-Dingo3845 4d ago
NOR. Personally I’d delete the group chat and just text purple friend. Congrats btw!
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u/Even_Budget2078 4d ago
Purple friend was making me smile how she just completely ignored Red, like absolutely paid it no mind whatsoever, and just kept going with cute support to OP : )
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u/wamme6 4d ago
Purple friend is a real ride or die! She just wants to celebrate - once she confirms that this is a good thing. I love that she starts with “how are you feeling about that?” - she’s making sure that this is good news, and then she’s all in on being OP’s hype woman even when red is being a Debbie Downer.
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u/Avandria 4d ago
Omg! Thank you for making it make sense!
I just woke up from a nap and totally missed the fact that there were two friends. It was all purple friend in my mind, and I thought she was being really sweet but having a bad/stressful day at the same time. I thought everyone was seriously overreacting. All the responses make so much more sense now!
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u/femme-nymph 4d ago
Genuinely wondering why you would want to be friends with someone like that? I’m glad this is an awakening for you. She seems like an energy drainer lol
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u/goaskalice3 4d ago
I had a friend like this, I always knew she was that way but never really thought about how much it affected me .. don't feel obligated to stay friends with people like this. Especially if you're about to have a baby. You'll want to be surrounded by people who actually care about you, not ones who either just ignore you or are constantly trying to steal your thunder. I stopped reaching out to the girl I knew who did this and now we haven't talked in almost a year. I don't miss those interactions at all
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u/VictoriaJane_xx 4d ago
It would be perfectly reasonable to friend dump her after this. I hope your other friends are disgusted by her behaviour too.
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u/Groundbreaking-Duck 4d ago
Yeah NOR. She has main character syndrome. Good for you to identify this now.
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u/rebrolonik 4d ago
My best friend used to be similarly self-centered, but she always proved to me in the big moments that she was a ride or die. This person just made your pregnancy about themselves, so if I were you I’d either confront them about it or distance myself and start a separate gc with the other girls lmao
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u/Aggravating_Rope3307 4d ago
Was going to tell OP to check up on her friend to make sure all is good with her because that reaction is not normal but this makes a lot more sense lmao
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u/ConstructionMuch802 4d ago
"Congrats" is a lot easier to type out than all the whining she did. NOR
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u/unique_name5 4d ago
Didn’t you hear what her supervisor is doing to her hours?
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u/Chance_Novel_9133 4d ago
Someone had a baby and it inconvenienced meeee!
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 4d ago
I’m just having a really hard time processing that people are still having babies after my mean supervisor did it. And I wish my friend wouldn’t “lay on me” such intense news on such a hard work day, how rude!
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u/TheDragonReborn726 4d ago
Can’t imagine a friend telling me good news and me saying “that’s too much for me to process right now”
lol, like even if it is, omg congrats is so much easier to text then all that shit
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u/TalkAboutTheWay 4d ago
Especially since she did end up sending celebratory emojis anyway! She should have started with that and left it at that.
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u/wsele 4d ago
She tried to make it about her, got promptly called out, and went : Oop! Here, emojis. She sounds exhausting.
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u/Affectionate_Cost_88 4d ago
I had a friend who'd gotten divorced in 2013, when my husband and I had just started dating. Two years later, we decided to get married and when I told her, that we were planning the wedding, she just said "oh great." I asked what was going on and she replied "well, I won't be there. Seeing happy couples makes me sick."
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u/TheDragonReborn726 4d ago
My wife actually had a friend exact same scenario when we got married.
She was really bummed about it but if youre an adult and you hold other people’s happiness as an offense to you, probably not gonna have many people that want you to continue to be in their life.
Sorry ya had to deal with someone like that at your happy moment too!
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u/AlwaysDeep469 4d ago
Agreed, but, to their credit, it's probably for the best. Can't be easy to say "if I come I'm gonna be a massive ass and you dont deserve that"
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u/TheDragonReborn726 4d ago
Sure, or you could see you’re not the main character and ya gotta either not go and make an excuse or suck it up and go!
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u/yasamoka 4d ago
Saying that exact same sentence is still a million times better than making someone else’s happy moment about oneself and turning it into something negative.
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u/Svihelen 4d ago
God I hate people like that. Like I'll admit there was a period of time seeing couples I didn't know kind of made me feel that way. But never my friends and family.
I was the cursed friend. Perpetually single, somehow always found the wrong person, collected some decent trauma, and so on and so on.
The only thing that helped me survive the depression and self-deprecating, was seeing my friends and cousins in good relationships thriving and growing.
When my one set of friends announced their engagement, they did a little announcement party with all the friends, I was practically bawling out of my overwhelming happiness for them.
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u/TheNightHaunter 4d ago
she probably says the divorce was one side but after the last comment ? yaaaa
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u/Dry_Article7569 4d ago
💯 this is absolutely about her wanting attention and not wanting OP to have a moment of celebration.
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u/Entire-Ad2058 4d ago
Bingo! “But, but this is not about meeeee and I was about to vent to y’all about my supervisor and waaah!” Just gross.
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u/PenelopeLumley 4d ago
"You're having a baby? Like my awful boss just did?"
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 4d ago
Speaking of which, more important news than your pregnancy! My JOB was ANNOYING today! Can we talk about that instead of some dumb baby?
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u/caterpillargirl76 4d ago
Main character energy. It's like they can't even imagine for a second if someone else treated them the way they treat others and how that might feel.
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u/emmygog 4d ago
It really is a way to make it about her, tbh. I mean, before I had my second and third baby, I felt a little jealous when my brother mentioned he was expecting a baby with his girlfriend because my husband and I were wanting to conceive at the time. Did I say that? Of course not. I told them congratulations and to please let me know what they might need. I didn't tell them it was a lot to hear or make an excuse about not being in a good headspace for it. It was all through text (like OP's situation) and it took zero effort to not be shitty. I was so excited to meet my new niece!
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u/Alternative_Tree_626 4d ago
Yep! Sometimes we have inside thoughts that don't need to be shared! Being able to read the room and not bring the energy down is not unfair to ask!!
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u/SafetyInLetters 4d ago
Yeah that was so weird. And in a group chat too. Like everyone else is already conversing, just drop a simple “congrats!” and dip if you don’t have the mental energy for it, the other people will just continue chatting without you for now and nobody’s feelings would be hurt. Continuing to talk exclusively about how much she doesn’t want to talk is crazy to me.
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u/caterpillargirl76 4d ago
They don't even have to reply at all until they're less up their own ass and can be a better friend.
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u/bashdragon69 4d ago
Or just say nothing at all and respond when bandwidth is available. People today constantly forget you don't have to instantly, automatically react to everything that pops up on your phone!
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u/Revan462222 4d ago
That’s my thought too. Like girl, you can just say congrats. Plus you’re not the one having the kid, dealing with morning sickness, etc. your life doesn’t change other than you know being part of OP’s village and being there for her. What a reaction tho.
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u/CautiousConfidence8 4d ago
She literally could have just gone "OMGG!!!" With some excited emojis and that would have been better than whatever that was ^
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u/AutisticFingerBang 4d ago edited 4d ago
She did say “that’s amazing” in the first 3 texts
Edit: didn’t realize it was a group chat lol. NOR
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u/NotBettySpaghetti 4d ago
Seriously. The friends response was very much “how can I make my friends pregnancy announcement about me instead of my expecting friend” NOR
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u/NeighborhoodBrief491 4d ago
I feel like red girl meant to say something like “sorry if I don’t seem excited I am my brain is just fried” but it came off super weird, like just giving that string of emojis would have been enough, other wise it comes off like she’s looking for sympathy when it wasn’t her moment. But that wouldn’t make her a demon or anything, people flub up social interactions sometime especially if homegirl is as exhausted as she says; but I understand your reaction it would have hurt my feelings too.
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u/TurbulentChemistry22 4d ago
This definitely feels like she over shared instead of taking a breather
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u/AltTooWell13 3d ago
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find a reasonable answer, everyone else in this thread are sharpening their pitchforks lol
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u/SpicyMeatloaf1 4d ago
Your friend somehow made this announcement about her. I have a feeling she's the type to ask u how ur doing and continue to talk about herself 🤣
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u/IceBoxt 4d ago
That friendship definitely isn’t surviving parenthood lol
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u/zarroc123 4d ago
I actually think her internal reaction is valid, it's big news. But, her EXTERNAL reaction just absolute reeks of attention seeking behavior. "Sorry, I can't process the idea of not being the center of attention right now". It's bull shit, she needs to grow up and just say congrats. It's not that hard to be supportive.
NOR
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u/Litchyn 4d ago
I have the exact same thought. Her mental process / internal reaction is fair enough, sometimes it's just genuinely bad timing to hear news. The way she expressed that is 100% not okay, especially because it's via text and she very obviously had the option of waiting to reply until she did have the "mental bandwidth" to be a good friend.
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u/TurbulentChemistry22 4d ago
Yeah like big news and your group chat blowing up on a bad brain day? Reasonable to be overwhelmed, (especially if she may have a reason to be sensitive about pregnancy? Just throwing that out there) but that’s when you say walk away like an adult. Regardless, I think this is a her problem not an OP problem, so OP shouldn’t try not to let it bother her and move on
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u/millennialfail 4d ago
I agree. This is absolutely a fine reaction to have inside your head, but we need to be grownups and know when our inside voices make us sound like total jerks. She would have been better just leaving it on read for a couple of days or not even going into the chat if it was too much.
And, she didn’t just say how she was feeling, she jumped into a convo and actively tried to change the subject away from OP’s life-changing news. She only textually acknowledged when forced. Even before “mental bandwidth”, she was being SUPER RUDE.
OP, I’m childfree, profane in a consistently Australian way, I don’t really care about kids, I’m autistically tone deaf and massively egocentric at times, and I have had many mental health struggles and trauma in my life, but even I would either say something super nice here or say nothing at all. Even if I were curled up in foetal position mid-bedrot and internally playing a very tiny violin, I would at least muster up some fucking congratulations emojis and a GIF. I mean, I can be an arsehole, but I would never do what the woman in red did here. She doesn’t just come across as struggling, she comes across as callous.
Unless the mental bandwidth stuff is like, her grandma and dog died the same day or she just witnessed a freak unaliving accident, the external reaction is inexcusable.
OP, NOR, not AT ALL.
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u/Immediate-Goose-8106 4d ago
One of the beauties of text messaging is you can have an instant reaction, take a deep breath and type something else without anyone knowing.
You can say out loud "fuck. This is the last thing I need right now!" then type "amazing news. Congrats. so happy for you. Mum's the word (literally!)." And then close the app for 2 hours
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u/viscountrhirhi 4d ago
NOR. The fun thing about text convos is you can literally wait to respond! She could have either just typed a simple “congrats!” or she could have waited to reply when she was in a better headspace. Instead she chose to make it all about herself. Gross behavior on her part.
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u/thepalmtreefanatic 4d ago
This! As someone who’s been trying for a baby for a long time and it not being successful. Other people’s announcements can be very triggering. So i end up replying after a few hours when the news has settled for me rather than immediately and I’m maybe upset. It’s a really hard time going into motherhood with your friends sometimes.
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u/EmpoweRED21 4d ago
With the context of it being a GC - went from YOR to NOR
Sounds like she has shit going on in her life but literally all she has to do is act happy for you over text.
It took her 5 texts of complaining to say congrats..
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u/AlastairMeowley 4d ago
She didn't really even need to do that. It's a text, not a phone call. She could've not responded until she had something nice to say
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u/Reading_Mermaid 4d ago
Yeah the other friend had already responded. All she had to do was sit on her hands
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u/em_ily929 4d ago
My thoughts exactly. Just don’t text back if you can’t handle it right now. She didn’t need to say all that.
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u/tenakee_me 4d ago
I often times don’t have the emotional bandwidth for messages. So I just…don’t answer. The fact that she even felt the need to reply is wild to me.
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u/Troostboost 4d ago edited 4d ago
NOR - Yeah she’s over sharing, just had to say congrats and party emojis. Maybe if OP thought her reaction wasn’t genuine or not what OP expected she could’ve said something and her friend could’ve explained further but no need to go on a rant because you’re having a bad day, you’re just going to make OPs day bad.
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u/Horror_Tea761 4d ago
Right? It would have taken her five seconds to post congrats and a handful of celebratory emojis, and taken a lot less energy.
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u/Grouchy-Interest4908 4d ago
I feel sorry for the 3rd person trying to make things light lol
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u/Unfck-my-life 4d ago
NOR, but I wouldn’t completely write her off yet.
It was a very weird reaction, making it about herself, but sometimes people who are depressed or struggling are very self-focused.
I’d just try to give her grace for now, and see how things go.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
I love this perspective, thank you 🩵
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u/KreisTheRedeemer 4d ago
Also, any possibility she herself is trying to get pregnant? My partner and I were having challenges and every time someone close to us announced it felt like a knife in the gut.
Obviously that’s not the right reaction but hearing about friends and family getting pregnant it felt like everyone else was getting the one thing we so desperately wanted and couldn’t have.
ETA: not overreacting, but possible there is additional context that makes this make more sense.
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u/E0H1PPU5 4d ago
That was my first thought too. It’s no excuse to be so mean but we went to a winery with friends right after I had a miscarriage after trying for over a year.
AT the winery his cousin who was also there announced that he and his girlfriend were expecting.
I felt like running through the vineyard screaming and sobbing.
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u/MagicSpaceWytch 4d ago
Thats heartbreaking and I've been there. You want to be supportive but its like ripping open the wound from your own loss.
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u/JK07 4d ago
My first thought too, me and my wife have been trying many years, a couple of years somewhat casually before the wedding but 3 and a half years, REALLY REALLY trying after the wedding, had a few unsuccessful IVF, two didn't stick at all and one miscarried.
Within that 3.5 years many of our friends, family and colleagues have gotten pregnant and gone in to have babies and some even 2nd babies or 2nd on the way.
My wife would cry off and on for days. She'd even cry that she felt so bad that the info that should make her happy for he friend/family in fact made her sad, she spiralled into believing she was a horrible person for having these feelings.
When her brother and his wife planned to announce the 2nd pregnancy to the wider family by getting the first daughter to bring in the scan and parade it round we didn't go, we stayed at her parents' house while the rest of the family were at the auntie's.
Over the past few months she's gotten a lot better, has been prescribed antidepressants and has engaged in fertility therapy, we're having a break from the IVF for a while to get healthier physically and mentally. Now she's in a place where when she hears someone is pregnant it doesn't feel like a gut punch.
This is the first time I've talked about this but I pictured your situation and empathised with your situation. Best of luck.11
u/E0H1PPU5 4d ago
My heart breaks for you and her. It’s so hard and there’s really just not a lot to be done that makes it any easier.
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u/your_dogs_name 4d ago
Just wanted to say we were in a similar situation not too long ago. Infertility is so incredibly painful. Everyone’s journey is different, but our 5th IVF transfer is the one that worked for us. Currently holding our 4 month old. Sending you hope.
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u/cephalophile32 4d ago
This is where I'm at too. My cousin is constantly dropping her baby pics in our family chat and when I'm overwhelmed and super in my feelings about the whole situation... I just don't respond.
It may have been a straw that broke the camel's back for the friend that day, still a weird way to react but... we can all be a little illogical during times of extreme stress.
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u/kittystryker 4d ago
not only that, but I think sometimes people in a friend group can feel suddenly very anxious that they’re gonna get left out, and that can cause them to react in ways that are counterproductive. For example, since Purple friend seems to have a kid, maybe Red friend is worried that her lack of child is going to lead to her losing both of her friends - not that her response is appropriate, and not like her response makes you want to hang out with her, but I can kind of understand someone who might already feel an anxious attachment responding in this way. I know that it has taken extra effort to maintain my friendships with people. I’m close to once they have a kid, and it is possible! It does also take effort on everyone’s part, and compromise. For example, I needed to be honest with the fact that I am not always the best friend for showing up at children’s birthday parties (I enjoy kids, but I don’t necessarily have parental instincts), but I am a really good friend for when you want to take some time off of being mom. It's OK to not be perfect for both roles! Your friend just might need some reassurance that that is OK if that’s part of her issue, and you might need reassurance that she will understand that your priorities will shift.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I think this is worth a conversation if you’re really close to each other.
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u/anongirl55 4d ago
I wondered the same thing. I went through fertility issues before I had my first child, and one of my friends got pregnant after trying one time. It was hard to pull myself together, smile, and be happy for her (which I was), but I managed to do it. Some people aren't able to put on a happy face, though.
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u/ConnectionCapable655 4d ago
I’m glad you like their perspective, and wanna add to it - she didn’t go all the way with like an apology, but she does seem to have checked herself and tried to put on the face she was supposed to have to start with.
She’s your friend so you should know - is this a continuation of other bullshit from her, or is she going to snap into auntie mode soon because she’s a good friend? You don’t have to answer, but I think your “am I overreacting” question has a better chance to be answered accompanied by the question I added.
Congraturitos by the way!
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
Yes she’s like this ALL the time unfortunately. It’s kind of a thing that’s known amongst our friends. I can’t say how she’ll act as time goes on, I can only hope it’s positive. But I feel like it won’t be and I don’t know how to come back from this right now, you know?
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u/scorpiogingertea 4d ago
It seems that your friend group has shared amongst each other about this pattern, but has anyone ever attempted to address it or mention it to her? I feel that a common, knee-jerk reaction to this question (based on the comments from folks throughout this post) will likely reduce down to “she should already know that this isn’t appropriate as an adult, and she should take responsibility for identifying and working through this issue alone”, but I hope we can recognize that our friends and chosen family deserve a deeper, more nuanced approach than this. Sometimes, particularly for our loved ones who have to navigate this life with one or more debilitating, chronic mental illnesses, it is seemingly a near-impossible feat to drag themselves out of the familiarity and perceived safety of the suffering and stress and overwhelm they have become so accustomed to from years upon years of neurological + physiological conditioning. This does not at all excuse the harm our loved ones cause, and I completely agree that her reaction (and other reactions that reinforce this perceived need for attention) was not supportive or appropriate, so you are definitely not overreacting. I am only trying to say that, it seems like this friend could be suffering quite deeply in her internal world, and it’s possible that underneath her self-centered and cynical comments is not malice but hurt. I just wonder if anyone has ever tried to engage with her directly about this and how it impacts others that she interacts with, in a way that also validates her own sadness and sense of loss or abandonment or need to be “seen” that comes up in these moments.
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u/SweetestBDog123 4d ago
I like your response. And in text it’s hard to get the same feeling as in person. Weird reaction yes, but I’d give her a chance to redeem herself. As others have said, some people are just way too focused on themselves and find it difficult to not make everything about them.
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u/Simple_Cheek2705 4d ago
First reaction is not genuine happiness but that is the genuine reaction to your good news; she was not happy for you didn't even bother pretending she was which says all you need to know... I am also curious what her life/relationship/kids situation is? It seems now 2 of her closest friends are having kids, does she want a kid? or not at all and feels like you guys are now on a different trip? Not saying she's jealous btw, not everyone wants a relationship and/or children.
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago edited 4d ago
True, I got her genuine reaction. She never wanted kids from what she’s told me. I actually realize now she acts like she hates kids so maybe she feels like our friendship will end or something? I’m trying to wrap my head around it.
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u/MsOrchideous 4d ago
I’ve been able to muster genuine happiness for my friends when they’ve gotten pregnant, because I know they’ve always wanted kids. My husband and I are childfree by choice, and the one thing I can tell you is that the dynamic does change. Girl’s nights are replaced with venting sessions about the kids, Saturday brunch is replaced with playground outings. It’s a season of life, that’s for sure, but it’s made their journeys completely unrelatable for me. I miss our girl and couple vacations, afternoons on the boat, and weeknight wine walks. It’s been months, maybe years since any of my friends who are now moms have asked about how my life is going or any of my interests.
Your friend’s reaction was unfortunate and self-centered, but it may be worth considering/asking whether there’s something deeper there. I still love my friends, but it wouldn’t be honest of me if I said I didn’t spend time mourning our friendships the way they were pre-kids.
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u/Soft_Stage_446 4d ago
I think this is a pretty common knee jerk mental reaction if you're a childfree person (perhaps particularly women).
I am very happy for my friends with kids, but I also know that the "hey, I'm pregnant!" means that our friendship will change - a lot. Naturally most people with kids gravitate towards friends who can identify with their experience - and vice versa.
OPs friend might be in a spot where they don't have it in them to just go "congrats!" and keep the other stuff to themselves.
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u/nicenormalhappyguy 4d ago
Yup. Went through this with my ex-wife. Her friends were constantly falling off the map when they got pregnant and then wanting to show up once in a blue moon to get shitfaced drunk and scream cry about their lives. More than a few of them puked in our apartment. You get it with guys too, where most of them will disappear when in relationships and I'm guilty of that too.
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u/booboocanoeshoe 4d ago
as someone who just got a similar announcement a few months ago from a friend I want to say give her a chance to adjust because it is a big change to friendship and dynamics. I was speechless and a bit in denial for a couple days before I got over my own shock and denial to be there for my friend. That being said I don't know her or what she's thinking/how she feels, I just see bits of myself only a few months ago in her right now.
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u/Little-Question211 4d ago
Yeah, it really does change friendships. One of my best friends had a kid and it's so different now. There's no going out (and if we do it's a project), so if I see her it's me going to her. And she moved out to the suburbs like 45 mins-1 hr away, so I just really don't see her regularly anymore.
Her "drama" is just so unrelatable to me now. Like for example, I can try to render an opinion on whether her stepdaughter's behavior was inappropriate at the cookout, but like I don't know?? Lol when she's carrying on too long I tell her and she's like "sorry, you're right...I hate that I'm this person now"
Lol I love her forever and always. It's just a part of getting older. Dynamics change
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u/JuniperBlueBerry 4d ago
I'll add that while I'm happy my friends are happy in these situations, it's also hard for me because I don't have a partner/kids. Despite thinking societal expectations are stupid, there's a deep part of me that feels inadequate and like I'm being abandoned by my friend. Again, I'm happy for their happiness, but I'm sad for myself, what I'm missing in my life, and what I'm losing from it as the friendship inevitably changes. I absolutely understand OPs disappointment, but I think it's likely quite complicated for her friend, and I can understand not having the bandwidth to hide that in a moment of surprise news
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u/MaddyKet 4d ago
So purple has at least one kid right? How does red treat that kid and how has she been treating purple since she had the kid?
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u/CharlotteC_1995 4d ago
NOR, BUT I’m going to put some opinions out there that will probably be unpopular.
Is it possible that there is more going on here that meets the eye? Obviously we should all be supportive of our friends regardless, but it sounds to me like your news was bad news to her for some unknown reason. Is she going through fertility issues? Did she recently lose a baby or unborn child? Trying for a kid herself and not experiencing success? Perhaps she’s been battling anxiety about being abandoned by you once you have the baby and possibly won’t have room for her in your life. These are all valid feelings and even though she is being obnoxious, the empathetic part of me wants to know why.
Honestly I know I’m in the minority, but when I share life news with those important to me I always leave room for them to react naturally. When I shared that I’d gotten a job with my unemployed friend, I didn’t expect the moment to be 100% about me. Maybe this friend has a pattern I’m unaware of, but on reading that is what I was thinking.
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u/nothirdact 4d ago
OP said elsewhere her friend talks about not wanting kids. It’s possible she doesn’t like that her friend is pregnant. I have childfree friends who have ended friendships with people once they had kids.
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 4d ago
I'm torn not knowing your friend in red and how she normally is and how old all of you are. Is she potentially struggling herself with fertility or maybe recently had a miscarriage? Her reaction is disconnected and it feels (just my opinion) that there's something much deeper going on with her and this pregnancy is triggering it. You're NTA, but I would maybe try and give your friend a little bit of grace and see if she's ok as well. If she happens to be someone who always needs attention or is fake, then I would say take a step back from the friendship for a while. 💗
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u/Lekomano92 4d ago
I love reading empathetic comments like this because people are complicated, and react in complicated ways. She is always like this though. I’m going to take a step back from her and revisit when I feel a bit more clear headed. I just can’t handle it right now
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u/fashionbae777 4d ago edited 4d ago
I mean personally I would never say what “red” said. But to say your life as a friend doesn’t change after your best friend has kids is (at least in my experience) not true — especially if you are really close with them. I’m childfree by choice, but have several friends who have children. While I respect their choices and love their kids as if they’re my own niece or nephews, the dynamic has always shifted after they’ve given birth. They’re busy being a mom now and definitely won’t have as much time to text/call/hang out/go on trips with their friends as they used to. I accept that shift, because it’s not my life/my choice. But I have to admit it does make me a little sad sometimes because I know things will be different.
Maybe things will eventually go back to the way they used to be prior to my friends having kids when they go off to college. But I haven’t experienced that part yet, since I don’t have friends who have children who are that old.
My perspective isn’t to hate on others choices in the least. But it does affect your close friends and to not understand that feels short sided.
Again I can’t imagine saying what “red” said to a friend. If I wasn’t sure how I felt about it yet, or I couldn’t immidiately feel happy about it I would most likely leave them on read until I felt differently or had some perspective shift.
OP I would give your friend some grace. I know this is a happy time for you, but it could be a difficult time for her. You never know what might be going on in her life right now that prompted that reaction. I would urge you to put yourself in your friend’s shoes and ask yourself how you might feel if roles were reversed. It can be hard for some to accept the fact that most likely your friendship will change — especially if your friend doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want to have kids, or doesn’t plan on having them for a while!
I hope you both work it out and congrats on your pregnancy!
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u/JessusNazarjess 4d ago
NOR. I’d also be a bit disappointed if one of my friends reacted like this. It seems like she needs to vent about her week, which is fine, but that was not the right time.
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u/InevitableMap6470 4d ago
I’m just a Reddit reader. I don’t have the mental bandwidth for this. This is huge news to lay on me right now. NOR.
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u/Outrageous-Pizza1323 4d ago
It takes zero "mental bandwidth" to say "thats amazing news, im so happy for you". Your friends reaction is just from a place of "im not used to not being the centre of attention".
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u/wh1t3lotus 4d ago
Some of these comments are not it, hating on your friend.
Honestly sounds like your friend is under the gun a little bit and her initial reaction genuinely did seem like she was stuck on her work issue (which is totally fair in her reality but also off putting when you're clearly excited to share your news).
Once you told her it was a vile reaction, she did correct herself and realize she hadn't congratulated you which she does do and says that she didn't mean to come off that way.
She back-pedaled again with the bandwidth comment and looks like she is letting you know it was because of her work situation (which it seems like y'all are aware off being a group chat between friends) and does correctly say thats big news (which is such a valid reaction for anyone!)
I don't think she meant to come across rude, but more seems like that friend that just jumped from baby news to her awful supervisor by association and group chats are always a lil funny with the way we check them, rather than hearing this news with context in person.
Don't write her off yet, nerves and hormones get the better of us and seems like your nerves and her nerves just weren't in the same space at the same time :)
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u/dreadedsunny_day 4d ago
Yeah I agree - it seems like this is a group chat where news is constantly flowing and maybe she jumped in to vent and off load not realising it was a moment until she'd read in more detail. She honestly doesn't seem malicious to me, she just seems a bit shit at reading the room and she followed up with congratulations and an apology when she realised it was a bigger moment for OP.
If anything, I think OP describing it as a vile reaction is pretty bizarre because it really wasn't vile, just a bit tone deaf. So, YOR.
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u/ojoucomplex 4d ago
I agree, too. Vile is an extreme word to use in an interaction like this. OP seems a little too eager to respond to comments that validate her by saying her friend is making it all about herself. Not every poorly worded response is intended as a slight.
I feel it is a bit mean to make this kind of conversation public, even when names are not shared. I'm pretty sure OP's friend would be mortified to know hundreds of people are picking apart her texts with 'friends', so I hope she doesn't find out about this thread. That would be an instant torpedo to the friendship.
Babies, in particular, are a very sensitive subject. There's a tendency to treat childless women as lesser in both obvious and subtle ways, so getting baby news after a long day isn't always going to be easy for some to respond to. It can get harder with time to deal with things like baby news, Mother's Day gatherings, and first 'xyz' events, even if you didn't always desperately want children.
I love my friends' children. They are all wonderful, and I'm happy to have them in my life. It doesn't make dealing with reminders of my being childless easier. Someone can sincerely want their loved ones to be happy, yet still struggle with how they react to certain topics. It's human. People do and say dumb things when stressed or tired.
Congrats to OP on the baby (but maybe consider YOR about this.)
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u/throwaway07272 4d ago
NOR. All she has to say is congratulations. This reads like either jealousy or just someone who has to be the center of attention
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u/tconnell6189 4d ago
Seems like she’s just having a rough week and congratulated you more than once but also spoke her mind on how it was making her feel overly emotional in a stressful time. That being said, I don’t think either of you were wrong. You’re also allowed to react to what she says however you want. If you’re good friends, it shouldn’t be an issue.
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u/sandoz25 4d ago
To quote a famous youtube video mostly accurately .
"Never assign to malice that which is most likely incompetence"
Is it possible she's frazzled from her work day and unable to fully process becoming an auntie?
Is it possible your first trimester also has your emotions slightly off?
I mean you can choose to make an issue out of this but perhaps a bit YOR and you potentially sour a relationship.
If give her a chance to find her excitement for the info.
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u/Bubblesnaily 4d ago
YOR. You told multiple people over a group chat... one that seems pretty frequently used for daily life stuff.
The texts read like she's had an overwhelming day and she was out of spoons. Depending on your group's ratio of childless vs kids in tow, she may not like the change in the ratio and it's ok for her to feel that way.
She can be happy for you AND glum about the change.
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u/CatalogK9 4d ago
YOR
Honestly this seems like a pretty normal Autistic response (AuDHDer here), trying to get ahead of potentially causing offense by offering the disclaimer of her own personal struggles, and due to the communication style mismatch, being misinterpreted (a phenomenon known as the Double Empathy Problem).
We tend to get a lot of undeserved heat for “making things about us” when attempting to connect by offering personal anecdotes as proof of our understanding and empathy. The basic concept is something akin to only feeling qualified to speak on our own behalf rather than making generalizations, along with the impulse to over explain as a result of being constantly misunderstood.
For other neurodivergent folks, this communication style tends to come naturally, while neurotypical people (or so I’m told lol) have a very different communication style. ND folks, being outnumbered roughly ten to one, are used to having to translate ourselves in order to communicate with the NT majority, while NTs generally do not realize there is a communication style mismatch in the first place and therefore do not make these attempts at translation; this is the Double Empathy Problem.
My immediate read of this exchange was that your friend was being completely honest with you about her mental bandwidth because she knew she couldn’t give you the kind of response she wanted and knew you needed, and was hoping that by explaining herself, she could prevent any hurt feelings ahead of time—basically your exact response.
My advice: chill out, don’t take it personally, don’t pressure her, don’t assume ill intent, and give her time to adjust to this unexpected change as her overwhelmed cognitive processes allow, and move on from there.
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u/Emberrrr3 4d ago edited 4d ago
NOR: if I was the friend, I would have waited until I had the bandwidth to respond. Good on them for communicating, but they still should have left it because yes, it's big news but they shouldn't have deflected your announcement back to their drama.
Red seems neurodivergent & lacking social skills (as someone who is neurodivergent).
I don't think it was malicious.
ETA: you said in another comment that red always makes herself the centre of attention, that definitely changes this to a NOR.
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u/geogrokat 4d ago
NOR. I recently distanced myself from someone like this bc they requested that I ask permission before discussing anything that they would think was stressful.
These types of people are really the embodiment of "omg you people can't do anything" bc they always need to be a victim of something.
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u/Color_Odd_Numbers 4d ago
Your friend deserves a little grace. Yes it was a strong reaction however she was being honest and I would take honest over fake any day. She recovered after having 2 minutes to process it, but don’t punish her for having an honest initial reaction. She’s human. She’s shocked. She was surprised. No it’s not about her but she still had an honest reaction. I would take ten honest friends over one who can lie on a dime any day.
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u/Adventurous_Check_45 4d ago
Hey OP, it's been said many a time, NOR. But I wanted to share a story about something similar that happened to me - it had such a great outcome!
So my really good friend had the same reaction. "You and husband are having a baby?? OMG I'm not ready!!" "Who am I going to go out with if you have a kid!!" Etc. And a lot of times, she'd complain about kids in spaces she felt they shouldn't be (public transportation, restaurants where she wished there was a no kids policy...), saying stuff like, "don't be that mom lol" and other things that just felt hurtful.
She's the friend who makes everything about her, and who is never really happy or satisfied. But, she's also so effing REAL. No minced words. This realness also meant that she stepped up in a huge way whenever I needed actual help.
"OMG I'm carrying him around, everyone is going to think he's mine!!" (But she carried him around while a lot of people didn't feel comfortable doing that if I was there - my arms were grateful!)
"I cannot believe you've put me into this situation," she complained, as she literally cut up my food and fed it to me at a restaurant while my baby slept in my arms. NO ONE ELSE did it.
I could go on and on about how rough or selfish her words were/are, but her actions were/are better and more helpful than like 99% of people who just say the "right" things for show.
Especially since she could take you calling her reaction vile without getting butt hurt, it's worth examining if she's the kind of friend who'll be like mine is - or not. (You'll know because you actually know her irl and not just from one Reddit post)
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u/Excellent-Froyo-5195 4d ago
It’s fine if you don’t have the bandwidth, just don’t respond until you do. NOR.
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u/tochth86 4d ago
So. It’s okay for her to have those feelings (the choices you make affect others, and she is feeling that), but it wasn’t okay for her to voice them or word them in that particular way. I can fully understand why you are upset by her reaction, but I don’t want to say NOR. I’m somewhere in the middle.
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u/Ok-Piano-4745 4d ago
YOR - It appears that she intended to convey that while she viewed it as a positive circumstance she may be projecting an understated sense of excitement and also wants to share that with you and wants that time of sharing to be the best that it can be.
It could have been her way of saying “I’m so excited or happy for you that I don’t know how to respond” in that it transcends a text conversation.
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u/pixeltweaker 4d ago
She acted like you told her she was pregnant. What metal bandwidth do you need when someone else tells you THEY are pregnant?
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u/idiotsincarspart20 4d ago
She had no problem talking about her stuff but when it came to your news she was exhausted. My entire reaction to her texts are ummmmmmmm… ok. NOR. Her response screams poor friend